The Blind Threat

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Xanti ran through the forest. His heart thumbed loudly as he glanced behind him. His pursuers followed closely behind him. He turned to his right hoping to lose them. Pushing through the thick branches and plants he hid behind a tree. While he tried to catch his breath he noticed the silence. He stepped out from behind the tree. It was too quiet.

“Show yourself!” Xanti called into the still trees. From the way his clothes were torn and the way his hair was going every which way you’d have thought he was a madman.

Xanti was here just like any other man who thought he was brave enough was. To find the creature that was causing all the havoc here in the Crescent Forest. Strange things had been happening in the forest for years. Some who went in never came back out, others were found dead, and the rest returned as raving madmen. Only the bravest men even thought about going into the forest now. All of them thought they were going to be the ones that Karimah had chosen to rid the land of this evil creature.

All of them were proven wrong when it was too late.

Xanti drew the sword that always hung at his waist, his eyes darting everywhere. Suddenly a crack broke the silence. Xanti spun to the direction where the noise came from. What he saw was not what he expected.

A young girl with short black hair and long bangs that covered her misty electric blue eyes that looked about ten years old approached him. Confused he lowered his sword.

“What are you doing here?” he asked the girl “This place isn’t for girls especially not for little ones.” The girl had stopped walking and folded her arms.

“So that means it’s safe for boys?” she asked, indignantly. “Who are you?”

“My name is Xanti Moruni. I am the leader of a small village east of here.” Xanti answered rather proudly “Where do you live?” he asked “I’ll be willing to take you home.” The girl smiled and walked closer a few steps before crying out in pain and crumpling on the ground. “What’s wrong?” Xanti asked rushing over to her.

“I think I’ve hurt my ankle.” The girl sniffed as Xanti picked her up. He began walking back to the way he’d come. Little did he realize that he had just made the worst mistake of his life.

“Don’t worry I’ll get you some help.” He said trying to remember where he had come from. It had been so long ago since he’d entered the forest. It was going to be wonderful to see Yelena and Keitaro again.

“Are you sure?” The girl asked, the pain gone from her voice. In its place was smile that made Xanti shiver. Suddenly an enormous pain shot through his entire body starting with his back. He dropped the girl and collapsed on the ground. Reaching for the cause he pulled a dagger out of his back. It was covered in the crimson blood that he’d seen a lot in all the battle he’d fought in.

“Quick get out-” he stopped midsentence. The girl just stood there, smiling. In her hands was a small bow with an arrow loaded in it. “Who are you?”

“The Blind Threat.”

Those were the last words Xanti ever heard before the girl’s arrow ended his life.
Last edited by MusicFreak on Thu Jun 30, 2011 4:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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wow thats deep. that would be a great beginning to a book
well keep writing:)
It's Never Sunny In South Philadelphia




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Hi MusicFreak: Original text in red, my corrections in blue.

His heart thumbed loudly as he glanced behind him. His heart thumped loudly From the way his clothes were torn and the way his hair was going every which way you’d of thought he was a madman. You'd HAVE thought. A young girl with short black hair and long bangs that covered her misty electric blue eyes that looked about ten years old approached him. Confused he lowered his sword. You need punctuation, and this first sentence should be rephrased, as it is very hard to read. Those were the last words Xanti ever heard before the girl’s arrow ended his life. Um, wait, he dies?!!! Well, anyway, great start; let me know when you write the next chapter!

TS
Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf




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Hi,

Well, I saw some mistakes. Like, grammar and spelling. For example, it's YOU'D HAVE not you'd of.
“What are you doing here?” he asked the girl “This place isn’t for girls especially not for little ones.” The girl had stopped walking and folded her arms.

There were mistakes. It should be, "What are you doing here," he asked the girl, "This place isn't for girls, especially not for little ones." The girl had stopped walking and folded her arms."
There are a few mistakes like this. Overall, I really liked this and I cannot wait to read more. If you ever post more, make sure you tell me! I really liked his name, and how you put the title as a piece of dialogue. It was very clever. Good job!

Farewell,
A.
You think you are any different from me,or yourfriends?Or this tree?If you listenhard enough,you canhear every living thingbreathing together.You canfeel everything growing.We are all living togethereven if most folksdon't act like it.We all havethe same roots,and we are allbranches of the sametree.



The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitudes.
— Viktor Frankl