I wander here

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Points 904
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A group of miners break into a system of tunnels, after exploring for a while they come across a skeleton clutching a piece of paper to it's chest. The paper reads

"I wander here
I cannot stay
not to wither
no decay
Here I wander
I sit to pray
send the angels
take me away"

Spoiler
Not the greatest, I thought of it while thinking morbid thoughts of being trapped in a system of tunnels while slowly losing sanity.

I'm a cheery person, really!
Help, help! I'm being repressed!




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Gender Female
Points 1493
Reviews 82
I really like this, it has a steady rhythm and is morbid. I expect that from you, and you lived up to that! :) You really should create an ACTUAL back story to it, and if not I'm asking to use it as plot-starters before you copyright it- by the way, did you steal my angel obsession? >.<
:) Keep writing, I'm looking forward to a real story. *hint hint*
'Evil exists in all of us Torak. Some fight it. Some feed it. That is how it has always been.'

"There is always a choice," said Torak, and he backed off the cliff.




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Gender Female
Points 367
Reviews 165
Yeeeeees! I liiiiike it! I am in a slightly morbid mood this evening so this works. Ooh, it gave me the shivers! I agree with Renn, you should make it into a story.
Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.




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Gender Female
Points 6396
Reviews 273
Hey! You get my first review since January, so please bear with me if it isn't too good.
I don't like the intro part. A good poem should stand on it's own, no introduction required. The context of the poem shouldn't matter, be it a skeleton or death or what have you. It should be universal and the reader should be left to interpret it for themselves.
As for the poem itself, it was short and sweet. The lack of punctuation annoyed me, but that may be a stylistic thing, in which case it's no big deal. I do have a few nitpicks, however.

no decay

No should be nor

send the angels
take me away

Perhaps "send the angels to take me away" would sound better?

So, that's about it. You are a good writer, as you can keep a steady rhythm and have rhyme scheme that doesn't take anything away from the actual poem. I'd like to see more of your work around her. =]
"You can love someone so much...But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."



Review others the way you want to be reviewed.
— RavenAkuma