Father Time

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This is just something I conjured up while feeling a bit sentimental that my high school graduation is coming up, and that I will be saying good bye to more than half of the people I called friends there, and to most likely never see them again, so yeah. It's not one of my best, so don't hesitate to rip it apart.

Father Time

The rippling noise of snapping twigs muffled beneath Marisol’s feet as she wandered within the depths of the day-lit forest of well-aged trees. Much time has passed since she stepped into this very environment-- three years to state the accurate amount-- though her memory of all of it was not the least bit hazy or blurred. She traced the tattered bark on a nearby tree with her finger, leading pieces to fall from its body down to the dry soil of the earth. Everything that stood there had remained unchanged. The ground stayed the same shade of brown, along with the wood of the grand, skinny trees, and the color of their very leaves continued to burn the same hue of emerald green, this being Marisol’s favorite sight once returning back to the familiar area. The only thing left absent from the picture she would need to complete and match identically with the one imbedded in her memory would be Her.
Pacing furthermore into the woods, Marisol picked up on the scent of moisture trailing through the air. Eagerly wanting to reach the body of water that sent off the smell, she quickened her step and swiftly maneuvered herself through the natural obstacles while her waves of raven locks ribboned behind her feminine stature. Nearly stumbling on a jagged stone, Marisol grabbed her balance and proceeded to travel north.
Breathing heavily and skin dewing with perspiration, she witnessed it before her. The stream sitting there as it always had been. The water, clear and crystalline, ran down, hurdling over the waterbed, earth, and stones in its path. Beautiful it looked in Marisol’s vision. Beautiful as always.
Finding the large boulder she knew to be present, Marisol sat down, her face directed towards the aquatics; her back in the direction of the forest she had recently marched through. If being three years earlier, She would be sitting right next to her. She would be talking to Marisol about how She wanted to wade in the water as Marisol objected, shaking her head and waving her hands in protest. “Puella.” Marisol whispered the girls name, with the slimmest hope that somewhere, somehow, the girl would hear it; feel it. The image of the sixteen year old girl sat in Marisol’s conscious. The girl’s wide smile appearing after splashes of stream water would hit Marisol due to the motioning of Puella’s own hands. Marisol even felt the nostalgic wetness hitting her face during her mental vacation into her memory.
Her heart fell into a pit at the bottom of her stomach. Remembering all of this pulled back the yearning she felt to see the girl before her eyes, to touch the girl’s hands and to graze the sides of her arms with her fingertips, and to inhale the aroma of the girl’s flowery scent while holder her in an embrace once more-- preferably plenty times more.
Minutes, hours, days, and years have passed since Marisol was close to the other girl. Time flew by, and Time shifts everything. This she knew very well to be true, for it had been her enemy for three years and counting. The father of what we call Time has kept the two women apart, nothing else. Today, they would stand, hands clamped into each others’ and smiles heavily visible, if time had not interfered, thrusting them in separate directions. There is no use of battling with it, for Time will persistently be the victor. Time shifts, molds, and changes everything, for she knew this be true.
Last edited by SpencerNolanRivers on Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.




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AWESOME. Great Job! I love it!
"Think Sideways" -Edward De Bono




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Heya, Kiki. :) I'm here to review!

This is only a short piece, so my review may be a little short too. If you have any questions about this review when I'm done, be sure to let me know by posting on my wall, PMing me, replying to this thread or whatever. I'll be more than happy to answer any questions that you have.

Although this piece was short, I did rather like it. You had some nice descriptions in here and I was able to get a clear image of what Marisol's surroundings looked like as well as what Marisol herself was doing. Your grammar was good, although you did slip up once or twice, but there was nothing too serious at all. You mostly did little mistakes like misused commas, and things like that tend to fix themselves through practice anyway. At times, your sentences could also be a little long, but in general, the flow of this story was smooth and easy to follow.

One thing I would like to see more of though are Marisol's emotions. You did a good job at describing her surroundings and you also did a good job at creating the sad, but also happy atmosphere and mood of the piece, but I didn't quite feel the emotions. This piece is mainly concentrated on emotions, so you really need to emphasize them. For example, because of the lack of clear emotions, I'm a bit unsure of who the girl being mentioned in this is. Is she a lover? A best friend? I'm not sure. I'm edging on lover, but I don't think you've portrayed Marisol's emotions clear enough for me to be able to tell.

I also can't quite be sure about whether she's more happy than said. Your descriptions are positive, so it makes me think happy, but you mention how she misses this girl, so that makes her seem sad. I'm getting mixed signals, basically. Obviously, she can be a bit of both, but I'd like to see which emotion is stronger maybe. It would add more flavour to everything, I guess. Experiment a little bit and see what you can come up with. I'm sure you'll think of something :P

I'd also like like to know some more about Marisol's background and her life with this girl. You mentioned in your author's note that you're about to graduate, so is this about Marisol going back to her old high school and seeing everything again? Or is it about her going to some other place that's sentimental to her? You never really make it clear. I think it's the second one because you don't often find streams in high schools, but you never know. How old is Marisol? Why is it now that she's coming back to this place? What's her life like now? What was her life like when she was spending time in this place? I'd just like to know more details.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

More emotions
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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For example, because of the lack of clear emotions, I'm a bit unsure of who the girl being mentioned in this is. Is she a lover? A best friend? I'm not sure.

In my head, Marisol and Puella were best friends. Not to sound snobby in any sort, but I actually deliberately wanted their relationship to seem vague enough for some to possibly suggest that they could have been lovers, because I like pieces of literature that aren't always straight-forward and can have the readers themselves decide the relationship between or among certain characters. Basically, in my view of the story, they are best friends, but it's not entirely wrong for a reader to come to the conclusion that they were romantic with one another.

Thank you for the review!
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.



When I use caps I do not want you to read it like a little screech, I want you to read it like a 5,000 year old ogre with the strength of 10,000 men.
— avianwings47