Tainted Blood: Ch.1

Chapter 1

Life can be hard when you live in a town like Haven. Life is like baseball, I guess you could say. Then, if like me, you don’t like baseball, just believe me when I say life can be a real bitch when it throws you curveballs. My name Is Luna wenchester, I’m seventeen years old and have a twin sister named Lini. We both live with our mom Lexi. Our dad’s not in the picture, you’ll find out why, but not anytime soon. In a town like Haven, you either get with the program or you get out. Haven is the kind of town where the freaks and weirdos are out all day and all night. Okay, let me put it this way, you’ll never see me going down a dark alley in the middle of the night.
“Luna! Get up!”
Yea, that was my little sister Lini, my younger, identical twin sister.
“Damnit Luna!”
She shook me. I groaned and rolled around in bed.
“Five more minutes” I whined.
“In five more minutes we’re gonna be late for school” she retorted.
My eyes flew open and I jumped out of bed. I put on the first things my fingers touched.
“I’ll be waiting downstairs.” Lini said and headed for the door. Before she made it I stopped her.
“Wait, here. You drive.”
I tossed her the keys. She caught them as she left the room. Pulling on my shoes, I grabbed my bag, and brush as I ran out of my room. Lini and I were off to the car.
“Bye, have a good day at school! I love you!”Mom shouted.
Yep, that’s our mom. Her name is Lexi. And she works for the FBI and has a mean right hook. Her hair is long and black with lightly tanned skin. Being a single mom isn’t easy, but she does her best. Hell, at least she’s trying.
“Bye mom! Love you too!” Lini and I said together.
And with that, we were out the door and heading toward the car.
“Damn Luna, you sleep like a fucking rock sometimes” She mumbled.
I smiled guiltily at her. “Sorry”
She shrugged. “Your apologies are of no use to me now since I think we’re gonna make it to school on time.”
We had just made it to a red light when my phone went off. Mom was calling.
“What’s up mom?” I asked.
“I forgot to ask if you guys needed money for school” She answered.
“Its ok mom we have money for school” I assured her.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes mom I’m sure”
“Well ok” She said sounding disgruntled.

I laughed. “Mom, it’s o.k., we’re good”
“Well then have a good day in school then, bye”

“Bye mom, love you”
“Love you too”
I hung up the phone as we entered the school parking lot Lini found a spot up front and went for it cutting somebody in the process. They honked at her and I smiled at her.
“Well done” I laughed.
She smiled devilishly at me. “Oh, I know”
Laughing, Lini turned off the car and got out. We had almost made it to class when realized I hadn’t put my phone on vibrate yet, I put it on vibrate and told Lini to do the same as we walked into class. Two of our friends met us at the door. She walked up to me and gave me a hug.
“Hello my finely feathered girlie girl” Amber greeted me.
She was one of the most beautiful women I knew. With her beautifully long tanned legs and mahogany colored wavy hair. Her eyes were the color of hazel and green. Her smile could light up a room. And she had this beautiful chocolate colored complexion that had all of the guys drooling. She had nice curves too.
“Hello my finely feathered friend” I greeted back with a smile.
Amber moved onto Lini next as Robbie came up and hugged me. He was one of the hottest guys in school. With his blond hair and his sapphire blue eyes he could hypnotize almost any girl in school.
And then of course there’s me and Lini. Since we’re identical twins when you describe one you describe the other. The only way you could tell the difference between was our eyes and the way we wore our bangs. My eyes were this beautiful moonlight silver with dark violet flecks in them. Lini’s eyes were the exact opposite of mine. And my bangs went passed my eyes. Lini’s didn’t. Because of our Latin and Cuban blood we had a much tanned complexion, and a curvy body along with long shiny hair. Lini and I were also two of the hottest girls in school.
We walked into class as the bell rang and took our seats. Mr. Seymour (I call him Maxi) walked into and started writing on the board. Maxi and I have known each other since I was born. He and my mom are best buddies. She would drop me and Lini off by his place when there was no one to watch us.
“Okay class,” He said. “This is a question you should all know by now, since this is mythology, I am going to ask you this question and if I don’t get an answer you’ll have to write a three hundred word essay and it’ll be due tomorrow”
Everyone in class groaned in unison. He smiled looking pleased with himself. He was one of the hottest teachers in school. His eyes were golden honey with flecks of emerald green and shone brilliantly. He also had the body of a god. Long thick bands of muscles rolled in his arms as he wrote on the board. His snuggly fitting sweater showed off his broad shoulders and very nicely defined chest. His jeans hugged him in a way that showed off his long thickly muscled legs and superbly round and firm ass. And his hair looked like waves of sun-kissed honey. It was absolutely delicious.
“Anyone?” He asked.
Nothing. It was so quiet you could hear a pen drop.
“No volunteers?”
Still nothing. Crickets were chirping in the background.
“Okay then, how bout I volunteer some body?”
Nothing again. He started walking around the class room. His eyes scanned over us, looking for somebody to pounce on. I slouched in my seat squeezing my eyes closed, knowing what was coming. And then-
“Ah! Luna, thank you for volunteering” He smiled.
“But I didn’t” I said.
“Ah, but you did,” He countered. “Unless you want the whole to have homework” I could feel the whole classroom’s eyes on me. Dammit. Maxi was still looking at me. I glared at him. All he did was smile and say, “We’re waiting”
Maxi was one of the coolest teachers I knew, but sometimes, he was an ass. Well fine.
“Mythology is purely that of myth. Things that go bump in the night.” I shrugged. “Plain and simple”
Maxi pulled off his glasses, which I knew for a fact he didn’t need, and looked at me.
“So that’s your answer?” He asked.
“Yep” I nodded. “And I’m sticking to it. Unless you want me to be more specific”
“How is this?”
“Well,” I start. “If you were talking about mythology, then I keep to my answer, but if you were talking about Greek and Roman mythology then I’ll have to change it”
He smiled and then turned to the class.
“Exactly,” He said. “Keep in mind those are two different things as Ms. Wenchester has so kindly pointed out”
Mr. Seymour went on talking about the differences between the two and then onto the lesson. Robbie turned to me.
“Hey, Anderson’s having a wild party down at his house tonight. He’s also gettin’ the good stuff, if you know what I mean. You there, or what” He asked.
I looked at Lini who looking at me with the same question on her face. I gave her a silent Why [i]Mrs.[/i] I looked back at Robbie and said, “Why not?”
This made Robbie smile. He and I had always been the closest of friends since we were kids. We like to hang out and talk. We’ve always come to each other when we were having a hard time with something. I’d always thought Robbie liked me a little more than he led on, but I never said anything about because I was never sure.
For the rest of the period we all sat and talked about the party. When the bell rang we all got our stuff and headed for the door. Mr. Seymour called me over to his desk. I told the others to head off to class without me. I walked over to his desk.
"Have a nice week end, and i'll see you all monday"
we didn't have school tomorrow for some reason that we didn't care about, and planned to enjoy vey much.
“What’s up Maxi?” I smiled.
“C’mon now man” He look behind me at the door. “You can’t call me that in school. There’re enough rumors about me floatin’ around and I don’t need another one”
“Maxi” I said. “Half of those rumors are true might I remind you”
“Yea except the one about me and Mrs. Serrano across the hall” He said. I raised an eyebrow.
“Ok, maybe it’s true, but I didn’t know she was married”
“Well what would’ve clued you in? Maybe theMrs.. Part didn’t give you a clue?”
“Look I just wanted to say good job in class, and you wanna bag on me for mistakes I made-”
“Dude, those were some major mistakes, and I thank you for telling me that, and now I have to go to class so I won’t be late”
“Ok then, I’ll see you Monday” He said.
“Ok then” I said and headed for the door. “Bye Maxi!”
“I said not to call me that!” I heard him hiss as left the room.
On my way to class I started thinking about the tonight and forgot to watch where I was going. I bumped into someone.
“Oops! I’m sorry” I turned around. “I wasn’t watching where I was going and-”
“It’s ok” the man said and kept walking without turning around.
Frowning I walked into class as the bell rang and took my seat. The rest of the day zoomed by faster than it usually does. When school ended Lini told me she was riding with Alex. I told her good-bye and decided to go visit an old friend. When I parked my car I was greeted by my aunt Susan. But I like to call her Zuzu. She walked up and gave me a tight squeeze.
“Hey honey, how have you been doing?” she asked.
“Good, I just came to see how my baby’s doing” I answered.
“Well come on and see, she’s been kinda down lately and I think seeing you would cheer her up” She grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her. When we reached our destination, she let go of my hand and said, “Here’s your Echo”
I walked into the stable and saw my beautiful baby staring straight at me. She came right over and kissed me, or rather licked my face. Smiling I kissed her moist snout and hugged her.
“Hey girl! How’ve ya been doin’?”
“She’s been looking a little melancholy for the past few weeks. Where have you been?” Aunt Susan sounded angry.
I winced. “Sorry Zuzu, I got arrested and mom grounded me. I’ve just been liberated” I held my breath and waited for her to say something.
She stared for what seemed like forever. And then finally, she sighed. “Very well then, are you gonna take her out for a ride? It’d probably cheer her up”
“Well,” I looked at Echo, who was still licking my face and said, “What do you think girl? Should we go for a ride?”
She bobbed her head up and down in agreement. I smiled and looked at my aunt.
“Will you get her ready for me? I have to call mom and tell her where I am”
“Of course I will honey” she said and started away. “I’ll be right back” she motioned for Echo to follow her out.
I pulled out my phone and dialed mom’s number.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hey mom it’s me” I said. “I’m down at the stables visiting Echo. We’re about to go for a ride and I just wanted to let you know”
“Ok honey, give Echo a kiss for me” she said.
“Will do” I nodded. “Bye mom, love you”
“Love you too” she said back and hung up.
I stuck my phone back in my pocket as zuzu came back with Echo, looking ready for anything. Hopping onto to Echo I smiled.
“Thanks for getting her ready for me”
“No problem honey. Before you came I was bored out of my mind” she laughed.
“Well then,” I looked down at Echo. “Ready to go riding girl?”
She neighed and started jumping around.
“I’ll take that as a yes” I laughed and looked at zuzu and smiled. “See ya later”
Zuzu winked at me. I nudged Echo and she was off. It was good to finally see Echo. I missed her. She’s been my baby for as long as I can remember. I was the one who delivered her when she was born. We’ve always shared a bond and always will. We rode all around the ranch and stopped to let her rest and drink some water. Before I realized it the sun had gone down. It was seven at night. The party starts at eight.
When we got back to the stable Zuzu was there waiting for us. She put up the riding gear and I put Echo back in her pen and kissed her good-bye. I did the same with Zuzu. Then I took my leave.
I’d just walked through the door when Lini walked up to me
“Hey, where’d you go after school?” she asked.
“I went to go visit Echo” I answered. “Zuzu told me she was feeling a little under the weather, so I took her for a ride”
“How is she?’ Lini asked.
“She’s better” I said happily.
“Are you about to get ready for the party?”
“Yea, are you?” I asked as I headed for the stairs.
“Yea, Robbie called and said he was heading to the party early” Lini said as she trailed behind me. “I went ahead and put your stuff in the shower for you”
I stopped at my door and headed for the bathroom. “Thanks”
“You’re welcome” she smiled. “I’m getting in the shower now” Lini headed for the door next to mine. A second bathroom identical to the one I just stepped into.
I closed the door and pulled of my clothes. Stepping into the shower I turned the water on full blast and popped a CD into the CD player. In the other bathroom I heard Lini do the same. But it sounded like she was listening to a different band. Three Days Grace it sounded like. I was listening to Flyleaf. It didn’t take long for either of us to shower. We got out around the same time. Instead of waiting for my hair to dry and I style it I decided to put it in a braid. Since my hair was out of the way all I had to do was find something to wear. Since it was a warm night I went with short shorts and a black tank top that said ‘talk shit get hit’. It’s adorable right? I know. I didn’t bother to put make up on. I don’t wear it too often. Next I put on flip flops and painted my nails lightening blue. Finally finished getting ready, I put on my black hoodie and grabbed my phone, keys, and purse.
I had just stuck my phone into the purse when Lini came into my room.
“I just texted Robbie and told him we’re on the way” she said.
“Ok” I told her. “Wanna drive?”
She took the keys from me without hesitation and smiled. “Hell yea I do!!”
“Then let’s ride” I smiled as we headed for the car.

Hey-oh! I'm here to review!

Zomigosh, long chapter. So much happens here! I'm not all that opposed to long chapters, but it seems like things just sort of skip from action to action here. There's not a lot of thematic cohesion to the chapter. It just feels like it ends at a random place, rather than at any sort of logical stopping point. I didn't feel like it was building up to any conflict or anything. I didn't even really get a sense of what this story was supposed to be about. It just sort of... was.

Luna, Lini and Lexi. Three girls' names that begin with 'L' introduced within the first few hundred words. There is a very high potential for getting the three of these mixed up. Luna and Lini I can see, them being twins and some folks liking to name their twin kids similarly, plus we've got Luna in first person so we can definitely always tell her apart from Lini, but their mom's name is just a bit much. Unlike in spoken language, where we can *hear* the differences in the names, in text, our eyes can skim over them quickly and all we *see* is the 'L' and a name and it can trip us up if we are reading quickly. Consider changing it up a bit?

Also, so many pretty people! It seems like everyone who got an ounce of description was outrageously gorgeous. What is this, like, a world entirely populated by supermodels? Don't get me wrong, I know a lot of pretty people, but I know a lot more people who are just okay-looking, or even kind of plain. They're pretty in their own way, but I wouldn't chalk them up as drop-dead gorgeous. It's kind of unrealistic and makes me sort of paint them as shallow. It's not fair, but after so many of them being described and after having seen so many television reality shows where everyone is remarkably pretty and incredibly shallow, my perception has been somewhat corrupted. Just... tone it down a little? They can still be good-looking, but their description doesn't need to gush about them so often or so long.

All in all, I liked the narration here, but I sort of felt like I was floundering around looking for a plot. There were snippets of interaction here and there, but nothing really than hinted at any kind of main conflict. What are these characters trying to accomplish? What is in their way? These things don't have to be huge, but they have to be there.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

janika wrote:Chapter 1
Luna
Life can be hard when you live in a town like Haven. Life is like baseball, I guess you could say. Then, if like me, you don’t like baseball, just believe me when I say life can be a real bitch when it throws you curveballs. My name Is Luna wenchester, I’m seventeen years old and have a twin sister named Lini. We both live with our mom Lexi. Our dad’s not in the picture, you’ll find out why, but not anytime soon. In a town like Haven, you either get with the program or you get out. Haven is the kind of town where the freaks and weirdos are out all day and all night. Okay, let me put it this way, you’ll never see me going down a dark alley in the middle of the night.
“Luna! Get up!”
Yea, that was my little sister Lini, my younger, identical twin sister.
“Damnit Luna!”
She shook me. I groaned and rolled around in bed.
“Five more minutes” I whined.
“In five more minutes we’re gonna be late for school” she retorted.
My eyes flew open and I jumped out of bed. I put on the first things my fingers touched.
“I’ll be waiting downstairs.” Lini said and headed for the door. Before she made it I stopped her.
“Wait, here. You drive.”
I tossed her the keys. She caught them as she left the room. Pulling on my shoes, I grabbed my bag, and brush as I ran out of my room. Lini and I were off to the car.
“Bye, have a good day at school! I love you!”Mom shouted.
Yep, that’s our mom. Her name is Lexi. And she works for the FBI and has a mean right hook. Her hair is long and black with lightly tanned skin. Being a single mom isn’t easy, but she does her best. Hell, at least she’s trying.
“Bye mom! Love you too!” Lini and I said together.
And with that, we were out the door and heading toward the car.
“Damn Luna, you sleep like a fucking rock sometimes” She mumbled.
I smiled guiltily at her. “Sorry”
She shrugged. “Your apologies are of no use to me now since I think we’re gonna make it to school on time.”
We had just made it to a red light when my phone went off. Mom was calling.
“What’s up mom?” I asked.
“I forgot to ask if you guys needed money for school” She answered.
“Its ok mom we have money for school” I assured her.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes mom I’m sure”
“Well ok” She said sounding disgruntled.

I laughed. “Mom, it’s o.k., we’re good”
“Well then have a good day in school then, bye”

“Bye mom, love you”
“Love you too”
I hung up the phone as we entered the school parking lot Lini found a spot up front and went for it cutting somebody in the process. They honked at her and I smiled at her.
“Well done” I laughed.
She smiled devilishly at me. “Oh, I know”
Laughing, Lini turned off the car and got out. We had almost made it to class when realized I hadn’t put my phone on vibrate yet, I put it on vibrate and told Lini to do the same as we walked into class. Two of our friends met us at the door. She walked up to me and gave me a hug.
“Hello my finely feathered girlie girl” Amber greeted me.
She was one of the most beautiful women I knew. With her beautifully long tanned legs and mahogany colored wavy hair. Her eyes were the color of hazel and green. Her smile could light up a room. And she had this beautiful chocolate colored complexion that had all of the guys drooling. She had nice curves too.
“Hello my finely feathered friend” I greeted back with a smile.
Amber moved onto Lini next as Robbie came up and hugged me. He was one of the hottest guys in school. With his blond hair and his sapphire blue eyes he could hypnotize almost any girl in school.
And then of course there’s me and Lini. Since we’re identical twins when you describe one you describe the other. The only way you could tell the difference between was our eyes and the way we wore our bangs. My eyes were this beautiful moonlight silver with dark violet flecks in them. Lini’s eyes were the exact opposite of mine. Why don't you describe her bangs as well, because I don't know what is the exact oppisite of silver with violet flecks is. And my bangs went past my eyes. Lini’s didn’t. Because of our Latin and Cuban blood we had a very tan complexions, and a curvy body along with long shiny hair. Lini and I were also two of the hottest girls in school.
We walked into class as the bell rang and took our seats. Mr. Seymour (I call him Maxi)I really think you should take this out, if any teacher acted like the way you wrote Maxi, he would be arrested, I realsie that they know each other well, but still. But it does make the story funny, on the other hand. walked into and started writing on the board. Maxi and I have known each other since I was born. He and my mom are best buddies. She would drop me and Lini off by his place when there was no one to watch us.
“Okay class,” He said. “This is a question you should all know by now, since this is mythology, I am going to ask you this question and if I don’t get an answer you’ll have to write a three hundred word essay and it’ll be due tomorrow”
Everyone in class groaned in unison. He smiled looking pleased with himself. He was one of the hottest teachers in school. His eyes were golden honey with flecks of emerald green and shone brilliantly. He also had the body of a god. Long thick bands of muscles rolled in his arms as he wrote on the board. His snuggly fitting sweater showed off his broad shoulders and very nicely defined chest. His jeans hugged him in a way that showed off his long thickly muscled legs and superbly round and firm ass. And his hair looked like waves of sun-kissed honey. It was absolutely delicious.
“Anyone?” He asked.
Nothing. It was so quiet you could hear a pen drop.
“No volunteers?”
Still nothing. Crickets were chirping in the background.
“Okay then, how bout I volunteer some body?”
Nothing again. He started walking around the class room. His eyes scanned over us, looking for somebody to pounce on. I slouched in my seat squeezing my eyes closed, knowing what was coming. And then-
“Ah! Luna thank you for volunteering” He smiled.
“But I didn’t” I said.
“Ah, but you did,” He countered. “Unless you want the whole to have homework” I could feel the whole classroom’s eyes on me. Dammit. Maxi was still looking at me. I glared at him. All he did was smile and say, “We’re waiting”
Maxi was one of the coolest teachers I knew, but sometimes, he was an ass. Well fine.
“Mythology is purely that of myth” I shrugged. “Plain and simple”
Maxi pulled off his glasses, which I knew for a fact he didn’t need, and looked at me.
“So that’s your answer?” He asked.
“Yep” I nodded. “And I’m sticking to it. Unless you want me to be more specific”
“How is this?”
“Well,” I start. “If you were talking about mythology, then I keep to my answer, but if you were talking about Greek and Roman mythology then I’ll have to change it”
He smiled and then turned to the class.
“Exactly,” He said. “Keep in mind those are two different things as Ms. Wenchester has so kindly pointed out”
Mr. Seymour went on talking about the differences between the two and then onto the lesson. Robbie turned to me.
“Hey, Anderson’s having a wild party down at his house tonight. He’s also gettin’ the good stuff, if you know what I mean. You there, or what” He asked.
I looked at Lini who looking at me with the same question on her face. I gave her a silent why not? I looked back at Robbie and said, “Why not?”
This made Robbie smile. He and I had always been the closest of friends since we were kids. We like to hang out and talk. We’ve always come to each other when we were having a hard time with something. I’d always thought Robbie liked me a little more than he led on, but I never said anything about because I was never sure.
For the rest of the period we all sat and talked about the party. When the bell rang we all got our stuff and headed for the door. Mr. Seymour called me over to his desk. I told the others to head off to class without me. I walked over to his desk.
“What’s up Maxi?” I smiled.
“C’mon now man” He look behind me at the door. “You can’t call me that in school. There’re enough rumors about me floatin’ around and I don’t need another one”
“Maxi” I said. “Half of those rumors are true might I remind you”
“Yea except the one about me and Mrs. Serrano across the hall” He said. I raised an eyebrow.
“Ok, maybe it’s true, but I didn’t know she was married”
“Well what would’ve clued you in? Maybe the Mrs. Part didn’t give you a clue?”
“Look I just wanted to say good job in class, and you wanna bag on me for mistakes I made-”
“Dude those were some major mistakes and I thank you for telling me that and now I have to go to class so I won’t be late”
“Ok then, I’ll see you tomorrow” He said.
“Ok then” I said and headed for the door. “Bye Maxi!”
“I said not to call me that!” I heard him hiss as left the room.
On my way to class I started thinking about the party tonight and forgot to watch where I was going. I bumped into someone.
“Oops! I’m sorry” I turned around. “I wasn’t watching where I was going and-”
“It’s ok” the man said and kept walking without turning around.
Frowning I walked into class as the bell rang and took my seat. The rest of the day zoomed by faster than it usually does. When school ended Lini told me she was riding with Alex. I told her good-bye and decided to go visit an old friend. When I parked my car I was greeted by my aunt Susan. But I like to call her Zuzu. She walked up and gave me a tight squeeze.
“Hey honey, how have you been doing?” she asked.
“Good, I just came to see how my baby’s doing” I answered.
“Well come on and see, she’s been kinda down lately and I think seeing you would cheer her up” She grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her. When we reached our destination, she let go of my hand and said, “Here’s your Echo”
I walked into the stable and saw my beautiful baby staring straight at me. She came right over and kissed me, or rather licked my face. Smiling I kissed her moist snout and hugged her.
“Hey girl! How’ve ya been doin’?”
“She’s been looking a little melancholy for the past few weeks. Where have you been?” Aunt Susan sounded angry.
I winced. “Sorry Zuzu, I got arrested and mom grounded me. I’ve just been liberated” I held my breath and waited for her to say something.
She stared for what seemed like forever. And then finally, she sighed. “Very well then, are you gonna take her out for a ride? It’d probably cheer her up”
“Well,” I looked at Echo, who was still licking my face and said, “What do you think girl? Should we go for a ride?”
She bobbed her head up and down in agreement. I smiled and looked at my aunt.
“Will you get her ready for me? I have to call mom and tell her where I am”
“Of course I will honey” she said and started away. “I’ll be right back” she motioned for Echo to follow her out.
I pulled out my phone and dialed mom’s number.
“Hello?” she answered.
“Hey mom it’s me” I said. “I’m down at the stables visiting Echo. We’re about to go for a ride and I just wanted to let you know”
“Ok honey, give Echo a kiss for me” she said.
“Will do” I nodded. “Bye mom, love you”
“Love you too” she said back and hung up.
I stuck my phone back in my pocket as zuzu came back with Echo, looking ready for anything. Hopping onto to Echo I smiled.
“Thanks for getting her ready for me”
“No problem honey. Before you came I was bored out of my mind” she laughed.
“Well then,” I looked down at Echo. “Ready to go riding girl?”
She neighed and started jumping around.
“I’ll take that as a yes” I laughed and looked at zuzu and smiled. “See ya later”
Zuzu winked at me. I nudged Echo and she was off. It was good to finally see Echo. I missed her. She’s been my baby for as long as I can remember. I was the one who delivered her when she was born. We’ve always shared a bond and always will. We rode all around the ranch and stopped to let her rest and drink some water. Before I realized it the sun had gone down. It was seven at night. The party starts at eight.
When we got back to the stable Zuzu was there waiting for us. She put up the riding gear and I put Echo back in her pen and kissed her good-bye. I did the same with Zuzu. Then I took my leave.
I’d just walked through the door when Lini walked up to me
“Hey, where’d you go after school?” she asked.
“I went to go visit Echo” I answered. “Zuzu told me she was feeling a little under the weather, so I took her for a ride”
“How is she?’ Lini asked.
“She’s better” I said happily.
“Are you about to get ready for the party?”
“Yea, are you?” I asked as I headed for the stairs.
“Yea, Robbie called and said he was heading to the party early” Lini said as she trailed behind me. “I went ahead and put your stuff in the shower for you”
I stopped at my door and headed for the bathroom. “Thanks”
“You’re welcome” she smiled. “I’m getting in the shower now” Lini headed for the door next to mine. A second bathroom identical to the one I just stepped into.
I closed the door and pulled of my clothes. Stepping into the shower I turned the water on full blast and popped a CD into the CD player. In the other bathroom I heard Lini do the same. But it sounded like she was listening to a different band. Three Days Grace it sounded like. I was listening to Flyleaf. It didn’t take long for either of us to shower. We got out around the same time. Instead of waiting for my hair to dry and I style it I decided to put it in a braid. Since my hair was out of the way all I had to do was find something to wear. Since it was a warm night I went with short shorts and a black tank top that said ‘talk shit get hit’. It’s adorable right? I know. I didn’t bother to put make up on. I don’t wear it too often. Next I put on flip flops and painted my nails lightening blue. Finally finished getting ready, I put on my black hoodie and grabbed my phone, keys, and purse.
I had just stuck my phone into the purse when Lini came into my room.
“I just texted Robbie and told him we’re on the way” she said.
“Ok” I told her. “Wanna drive?”
She took the keys from me without hesitation and smiled. “Hell yea I do!!”
“Then let’s ride” I smiled as we headed for the car.

Okay, I pointed out what I thought needed work, and there's one more thing. I saw a lack of periods at the ends of your sentances when you were having them talk. You need to fix that to make your story seem more professanial.

Keep writing,

HorsebackWriter

Hi there! I'm Pink and I'll be reviewing this for you today. ^__^

Nitpicks & Comments

Life can be hard when you live in a town like Haven. Life is like baseball, I guess you could say. Then, if like me, you don’t like baseball, just believe me when I say life can be a real bitch when it throws you curveballs. My name Is Luna wenchester, I’m seventeen years old and have a twin sister named Lini. We both live with our mom Lexi. Our dad’s not in the picture, you’ll find out why, but not anytime soon. In a town like Haven, you either get with the program or you get out. Haven is the kind of town where the freaks and weirdos are out all day and all night. Okay, let me put it this way, you’ll never see me going down a dark alley in the middle of the night.

This introduction isn't the best one I've seen. You've basically just told us about the people in her life and that's a lot to take in in the first paragraph. All these names also start with the same letter so that makes it even more confusing! Try switching up the name while you're ahead so we're not confused with who is who. Unless there's a huge secret, amazing reason why their names start with the same letter, then you can keep it but I doubt it.

Another thing is your connection of life with baseball. You don't exactly explain why she thinks that way and I have a hard time imagining why life is like baseball. Just because of one thing - the curveballs? That's not enough of a reason to connect the two together. The last sentence is a good one, it makes us question what's going on in the town where no one would want to go out. However, this is also weird because as far as I know, no girl would even "want" to go down a dark alley in the middle of the night! You just don't do that even if the town is safe because it's just scary and dark and yeah - you get the point. So that part doesn't make sense so you could reword it to something like, "You'll never see me go out onto the streets at night." <- This doesn't give a specific time so it's more flexible.

“Five more minutes” I whined.

“In five more minutes we’re gonna be late for school” she retorted.

My eyes flew open and I jumped out of bed. I put on the first things my fingers touched.

I'm guessing you don't exactly know how to punctuate dialogues correctly just yet. No worries, doing this is kind of easy and you'll get the jist of it if you go back and practice it. ^__^
In this part in particular there should be a comma after 'minutes' and school. You have the same comma problems through the rest of the piece so keep that in mind if you go back to editing this later.

“Anyone?” He asked.

Normally, you don't have to capitalize the 'he' after the question mark. It can be "Anyone?" he asked and this would be grammatically correct.

Overall

Overall this was an okay first chapter. I did actually enjoy your main character in a sense. I felt like she was quite interesting and even though her narration at times felt a bit sour and cold I enjoyed that side of her and felt an interesting pull towards the character. However, I'm going to have to side with Gryph on the fact that this was pretty much filled with too many good looking people. You'll have to tone it down and make it realistic because not everyone is pretty. You need a diverse cast in your novel to make it available to diverse people. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and everyone has a different taste so it'd be nice to get some different looking people around. Some plain, some sexy, some nerdy some chubby and short and some tall but thing. Some muscular, some scrawny. Keep your boarders open - don't be afraid of the plain looking characters. They might pack a punch. ;)

Now, if we look at your grammar and punctuation - I believe that's a part of your story that needs the most work as of now. I think you should go back and try to dissect that bit of your writing. You can always google up dialogue punctuation and it'll give you some good sites in where they actually explain it in details. Remember where your commas are suppose to go. ^^

Another thing that I noticed while reading this was your narration. Writing in first person means you have only a limited amount of sentence structures that you can use, this is because writing in first person means you can only use the words, I to describe the way or action that your protagonist does. So, with that said you had a lot of "I did this and I did that. I felt this and I thought about that."
It gets old fast and not to mention also becomes quite repetitive in a sense.
So, knowing this you'll have to try mixing your sentences and wording them differently. Try flipping them around and changing the order of things.

In the end, you have a nice idea but your work still needs to be brushed up a little in the end.
Keep working and if you have any questions, go on and let me know. I'm a quick PM away. :)

Happy writing,
-Shear

That's really good! I can't wait to read more hahaha.
You're an awesome writer. write more soon!
-cookEmonster

I say it's lovely. A story of twins?! I couldn't have done that myself. I also love the cover and info on it. I say keep it up. If you like, I could provide a witch for you. Just let me know.

I love this story. I wanna read the next chapter!