Foreword
I’m Zhayanne Chelzy
My life? It was not as easy as reading the alphabet with copy of what was the next letter to say or jumping all around in warm days. It wasn’t easy to explain. It was not a rip-roaring spectacular ride or watching a sweet cherry blossom in a Japanese festival. For I am a stoic.
I suppose this was just the beginning for the optimists, a sad love story for the romantics and heartbreak for the cynics. None of those we’re wrong nor right. For I was either not sure on how my life would be after everything happen from that day five years ago. So I presume my living was mixed up.
Now, I was back in this same old house where I felt the meaning of grief and sorrow of being alone. The terrible heartache I wanted to forget. In the first place, how can I enjoy this stupid vacation if I’m not enjoying my life?
How can I relax if I knew he is living next to this house?
He whom I’m not sure I still learn by heart. He whom I adored once in my life. And he who put sadness and tears in my eyes. He is my friend, my love.
Now my dear, perhaps you have the idea on how this yarn goes. But remember, beginning was not the ending. And conclusions were only the outcome of the situations intact.
So maybe, just maybe. You’ll try to understand and feel the twinge I once had in my life.
Two hearts that are so close but apart.
Gathering
A cold night, I can feel the shivering breeze that gently blows in my cheeks. As I look at the sky I can almost feel myself falling in the endless chasm. My phone was in my front steady sitting there as if it has dead battery. My mp5 was beside me, playing sad music as I lay down. I really enjoy being like this, maybe because I got used to be alone.
I never go out these past few days, frequently I just lay down on my room and when the night comes I simply watch the sky. It is very different compared to the morning sky, where you will suffer in the blistering heat or be blinded by the sun. The night sky gives me this sweet melody, the feeling of calmness and peace, those specks of glows in the darkness keeps me mystified. It’s chilling cold in here. But I think I’m used to the coldness for I’m cold in my very own nature.
My cousins knew I exist in this old house (where we all stay as long as vacation was here) but they never see me around. I commonly stay either on the roof or in our library. I almost spent 90 percent of my vacation reading books or poems while sound tripping. But I can’t help it; I need something to keep me going, my outlet of everything that I endure. I’m doing this to relieve stress and get rid of my anger, which maybe a bad habit but better than slashing myself into pieces. But one thing’s for sure my life will be like this forever be burden.
But not until one fair night. I was sitting in my favorite spot when a familiar voice came over. “You still love the stars huh?” At first, I thought I was being haunted or something, but after looking back I saw a guy leaning down on the porch smiling on me. He’s a neighbor, used to know but forgotten as I went to Manila. I didn’t answer back. I just turned away and stood while looking up. “Know what you’ll get cramps when you keep that posture and sure it will be painful.” He said with confident voice. I know he wants to piss me. I don’t turn back as I replied, “I’m already used to different kinds of pain.” I replied with sarcasm on my voice.
“And please I don’t like wasting time on useless talk.” I arrogantly added. I’m sure he’s now pissed off, but so what? That’s what I wanted him to feel. But the next thing I knew he shocked my spine. “It’s me, have you forgotten? You’re not like that 5years ago. I didn't think you would change so much”. There are a lot more words that follows but I wasn’t able to comprehend because of what I’ve heard at the beginning. My world was suddenly filled with gloomy ode. The cold wind throws me to that lane and the pain was abruptly unsealed. “I know it was because of me. I hurt you badly, and now the Zhy I used to know was gone.” A sad tone came from his lips. Now I remembered who he was. His mother was a close friend of my family. He became my closest friend from then and we never leave each other’s side until things get worse when an unforeseen feeling came in our circumscribed friendship. He is my so-called forgotten love.
Yes. Love. After 5years of running from that utterance I suddenly wasted a piece of my brain remembering that dim-witted word I should have elapsed way back then. And now, I remember everything, every pain, every soreness and every scar I’ve potted in my veins. Now I realized the pain he caused was still in me. Hiding with my arrogance was not a good scapegoat because the wound was still fresh and bleeding.
I was still standing, and realized that I didn’t feel anything at all. In a way, I felt as if I wasn’t really here, as if the whole thing were nothing but a dream. A dream that was made by loneliness and wretchedness of a baffled heart. My heart was pounding hard. I can hear its loud sound. It can’t be. Was he? No. This was all just a nightmare. He can not be true, this can not be true.
“J-jiezter?” At last a word came out on my mouth. I may sound stunned and anxious at the same time but really, that’s what I felt that moment. I wanted to make sure this is really happening. The moment was reunion of two lost hearts. Yes, maybe it was really the reunion but not of hearts it was of heartaches.
In my mind it was a little bit of the both, and no matter how I choose to view it, in the end it does not change the fact that it involves my past and feelings right now. My past, for he was my first love and my present feelings for my love for doesn’t change a bit.
I out of the blue I bear in mind this quote from a close friend years ago. “I’m the author of my own life, unfortunately I’m writing in pen. Mistakes I can’t erase, the only option is to start a new chapter and forget the last part.”
If I will be stubborn again, I will not think about this sudden thought but if you look closely to it. This quote was somewhat dedicated to me and my past. Now I felt odd as my mind flows with the memories I sealed to myself.
Recalling the part I once had in my life…
(my dear friend paulo suggested to cut every chapter.. hahaha!! =)
