A Colonial Love Story

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A Colonial Love Story

Preface

She handed him the waterskin, then stepped back as he tied it to the horse. She watched him prepare to leave silently, trying to say soemthing to him to let him know how much she'd miss him.  But five minutes later, when her parents and siblings came out to say goodbye, she just couldn't bear it anymore. Liberty ran to the barn yard, jumping onto Ginger's back and racing her to the fence, launching over it, not listening to the cries she heard behind her. She couldn't see through her tears, but she knew the path by heart. She took the back way out, not wanting to hit anyone who might be on the main road at that moment. 

She gently let up on the reins, slowing Ginger down with the slightest touch. She stared at the lake, marveling in it's beauty. A small sob ripped from her throat, and she bent over her saddle, crying out her pain. When she felt somewhat better she let Ginger have a drink, and for the first time since she had reined in there she realized that she was not alone.  "Here, let me help you off." It was him. He had been standing there for who knows how long, watching her. She wiped her eyes quickly and shook her head. "No thank you, I was just going back." 

Ben held Ginger's bridle tighty, searching her eyes. "Were you?" She turned away, not wanting him to see the fresh tears that were welling in her eyes. She didn't want him to see the pain he was causing her, Libby just wanted him to leave.  He reached for her hand, and she made no effort whatsoever to pull away from him. "Libby." She didn't answer, but continued to stare at the tree line. "Libby!" She sobbed out the sentence. "Tell me what you want so I can go home and you can leave!" 

"I'm not going anywhere until I've asked you what's wrong. Don't hide from me. We've known each other for years and we've almost never kept secrets, except when it really mattered. So let's not start now." She turned slowly to face him. His eyes took in her tearstained face as she slid to the ground. "You're leaving today." He stared at her, his eyes dawning with understanding. "You don't want me to go, do you?" Her eyes flashed with anger.  "No, I don't want you to go., because if you do you may never come back, and you know that. Grandfather's dead and gone, Diana had to leave, many others I know are dead or dying, and I don't want to lose you as well." 

He took his face in her hands. "Do you care for me, Liberty Kingsley?" She didn't answer, but she didn't need to. Ben stared into her eyes and knew what she wasn't telling him. "Libby, tell me." She answered him then, her voice shaking. "I couldn't do without you. I was, was, glad that you got so ill and that your leaving was postponed for nearly a year. I don't want you to go, not now, not ever. I don't want to lose you." 

He smiled ever so slightly. "You're beautiful, do you know that?" She looked up at him. "Are you talking to me?" He laughed and said, "And pray tell who's the other redheaded beauty whose face I'm holding. Of course I'm talking to you Libby mine." Ben's expression turned serious, and he stared into her eyes. "You know that it can never be." She cast her eyes down. "You know that you know." She looked into his eyes, angry. "I don't care that you're a shopkeepers apprentice. And my parents had better not either. Don't ask me to change the way I feel about you, Benjamin Richards. Don't ask me to let you go." The last sentence was a whisper. 

"I have to go, you know that." Ben waited for her to nod before he continued. She stared at him, he stared at her, and even if the British Army had passed them at that moment, guns booming, trumpets blaring, neither of them would have noticed. "When I come back, if I come back, I will complete my agreement to your father. All I can give you is the life of a shopkeepers wife. I can't give you diamonds and pretty dresses. All I can give you is a roof over your head, and food in your mouth. Is that what you want? Would you really marry me, a shopkeeper, over a English Lord who can give you everything I can't?" 

She smiled through her tears. "I know what I want, and damn diamomds, pretty dresses, and any rich English lord who tries to marry me. And anyway, what English lord would want to court me? My father is a well known Patriot. And I see what I want most in the world, and it's right in front of me. It's you. All I want is you. The rest can come later." Ben smiled at her, and pressed Lissie to his chest. She melted into the embrace, pressing herself close to him. 

"Promise me you'll come back." She whispered into his coat. He kissed the top of her head. "If I can make it back, the King of England himself won't be able to stop me." She laughed. "LIBBY! LIBBY!" "LIBBY WHERE ARE YOU?!" She looked around. Of course they would be looking for her by now. She stepped back and brushed off her dress. He just stood watching her. She turned to him. "Ben, can you help me up?" He grabbed Ginger's reins and pulled her closer. "I'd be delighted, Ms. Kingsley." She laughed at his mock politeness. He knelt and made a step with his hands. 

Libby looked around quickly, then knelt beside him. "Here." She tore a strip of green satin from the inside hem of her dress. She tied it around his hat brim, then lifted his chin. "For good luck." She said briefly, then kissed him. He gently placed his hand on her head, pulling her closer. They broke away from each other, standing up quickly. Libby gazed at him, her eyes starry. Ben pulled her to him, kissing her again. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed herself to him. 

They pulled away from each other again. "To remind you not to forget me." He told her. He helped her onto Ginger, then got onto his own horse, which had been tied to a nearby tree. "Here Lissie. It was my mothers." Ben reached into his shirt and pulled out a necklace. It was a beautiful peice of jewelry, small pearls on a woven silver chain. Her eyes went wide. "Ben, I can't......" He leaned over in the saddle and fastened the clasp around her neck. "She would've wanted you to have it." He kissed her again. 

"Let's get you to your family." She nodded silently. They kicked their horses into a canter, and didn't speak the whole way home. They simply enjoyed their last few moments together, making a few stops to lean over in the saddle and kiss. Several yards away from her home, they dismounted and kissed one last time. They knew it was the end of their road for a while, but they didn't care. If they didn't see each other again they would remember this day forever. 

After Libby's family came back, and made sure she was all right, they all stood and waited for the calvary to ride by. Two minutes later, they heard the trumpets. Mr. Kingsley sighed. "It's time, son." Ben and Libby exchanged a glance. Now more than ever he wasn't far off the mark. Ben did some last minute checks and mounted Patriot. He touched his hat and saluted. "Until we meet again." He joined the ranks and began his journey toward the fight for freedom. 

Libby ran and jumped on Ginger again, but this time she wasn't running away. She rode towards the end of the road, at a gallop, taking the back way so he wouldn't see her. When the calvary passed her at a gallop, she followed them on the other side of the fence. She didn't jump it at the end. She just watched him leave. "I LOVE YOU BENJIMAN RICHARDS!" She called to his dissapearing form. He turned, still riding away. "I LOVE YOU LIBERTY KINGSLEY!" They stared at each other for a few seconds, the Ben turned back. She watched him leave, knowing inside that he was taking apart of her with him. He felt the exact same thing. She watched him go, knowing someday they'd see each other again. 
 
"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Does the wand in your hand know it's last master was Disarmed? Beacause if it does...I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

"And quite honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime."

~Harry Potter




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Liberty handed Ben the waterskin and then stepped back as he tied it to the horse. She silently watched him prepare to leave, wanting to say something that would show much she'd miss him. But five minutes later, when her parents and siblings came out to say goodbye, she just couldn't bear it anymore. Liberty ran into the barn yard, jumped onto Ginger's back, and raced her to the fence. They launched over it, not heeding the cries behind them. Liberty couldn't see through her tears, but she knew the path by heart. She took the back way out to avoid hitting anyone who might be on the main road.


Nice opening. We get straight into the conflict. I don't understand why the story hesitates to name the characters. There's really no good reason to put it off. To make the paragraph more active, I changed most of the gerunds (the "-ing" words) to verbs. Try this with the rest of the work to wake it up a bit. Constant use of gerunds tend to slow a story down.

The story has some nice romantic imagery and language, but I couldn't get into it because it felt like every other seperation scene in a romance. Liberty and Ben could be any other couple. Show me their characters. How is Liberty different from the other lovesick heroines? Is she witty? conceited? stubborn? What about Ben? Is he a hopeless romantic? hoping for adventure? Often clueless? Conceited? Let their personalities shine through.

A bit more on Ben. He seems a little clueless. He has no idea why Liberty would be upset about his leaving. If their love is so strong, is that practical? Also what does this trip mean to Ben? Is he eager to go? Reluctant?

Remember characters make the story.
If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it
-Wonka




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First off, I would like to say that I agree with VivielTwixt that you should go ahead and 'introduce' the characters straight ahead in the beginning. Secondly, I think that it rushed a little bit too much and that you could have taken a little more time and 'exploded' each moment. Well not EACH moment, but more than there are here. My English teacher in seventh grade taught us by 'pouring milk on someone's head'. You wouldn't just say,

"I poured milk on her head."

You would say,

"I carefully crept up behind the waiting victim. My hand shook as I lifted the cold, icy milk. I gently tilted the bottle more and more until the liquid started seeping out. It rushed down every inch of her hair, being careful not to miss every crevasse of her head.... etc"

You get the picture. I know this can be hard to do because I struggle with rushing as well and I end up telling the whole story in like two pages :P Lastly, I just want to say that the correct grammar is every time you have dialogue, you have to skip a line. Example: As I rode off into the sunset, I said,

"Hasta la vista baby!"

(I don't even know where that came from :P) Because you just kept the dialogue in each paragraph, it made it very hard to follow the story and also who was saying what.

Other than those few things, I think that it was a good read and I enjoyed it! BRAVO! Keep writing ;)
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." ~ Anton Chekhov



In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien