Incrypted Love *Chapter 2*

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I had a nice family. Mother and Father, and then me. No siblings, so I was a spoiled only child. Believe me, I enjoyed it more than anything. Most of the time I got whatever I wanted, but my dad was less of a push over. I really didn't have that many problems, I just.. didn't want to live. Also I had extreme anger issues that got really hard to deal with sometimes. I still have holes in my walls from punching, and throwing things. Nice huh?

The only thing that was weird or unusual about our family was that my dad has blond hair, and my mother has a light brown. My hair is black. So black that its almost blue. Where did that come from? Apparently from an ancestor named Yaoma. Apparently I looked exactly like her.

So when we got to the cream and brown colored house, my mother eased onto the brakes and eased into the cement driveway and from there into the garage. Closing the garage door behind us, she unlocked the house and strode in. Her heels clicked angrily on the white tile of the kitchen and she screamed.

"Ernie! We have to find another damn psychiatrist. This one said the same damn thing as the last twelve!" She huffed, and then started pacing. My dad stumbled out of the bathroom holding my mom's pink robe around him. He must have grabbed it in his flurry to come scream with my mom and start looking through phone books. I sighed heavily and walked towards my room. They started screaming before the door shut.

They never fought, and if they did they got over it quickly, laughing about how stupid they were being. They just screamed, or projected their voices, whenever they were angry. Which I was used to. I plugged in my headphones to my blue ipod nano and proceeded to listen to Fiction Plane. I looked around my room, it was white and black striped, kind of like piano keys. Pictures of music notes and artists, and a large picture of Marilyn Monroe hung on the wall. My electric piano sat along the wall next to my guitars.

My bed was large and sort of vintage looking with black and white sheets and comforters and a lacy bed skirt.

I loved this room, almost as much as I hated my therapists.

My door swung open, and my mom strutted in, looking proud of herself and smiling.

"There is another therapist near by here, that should be fifty times better. Alright? We don't even have to move this time!" She said, clasping her hands together and smiling. I nodded and smiled back at her. The only thing that all of us Jules had in common was our eyes. They were all the same hazel grey color.

She trotted back out the door and closed it behind her.

I began playing with my shoelaces. Its one of those things that just calms me down.

Then the thoughts came back. I imagined myself, a rope clinging tightly to my neck, my head cocked sideways awkwardly, blood pouring from my mouth. I could feel it, dripping along my body. It was getting on the carpet.

I screamed, I tore the bedsheets off of my mattress and tried wiping up the mess. It was no longer there. The feeling of blood on my skin had disappeared.

I felt anger start tumbling through my veins, and felt my face go red. I got up and started ripping my bed sheets, tearing the comforter, I knocked over my lamp and started punching the floor. I screamed until my neck felt like it was going to burst.

When the random anger had subsided, I sat down in my mess and cried. My mother opened the door slowly, just like she always did and looked around my room sadly. She came and sat beside me, and wrapped her arms around me, kissing my cheeks and telling me that the new therapist would help.

The same thing she said about the last thirteen.
Hess<3




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Hey-oh!

The first two paragraphs felt a little info-dumpy. I mean, we're in the middle of this situation with her therapist and whatnot, and then it breaks to tell us all this stuff about her family and her appearance. Is any of this necessary right now? It just felt like it was interrupting the story.

I just.. didn't want to live.

Why not? Is it boredom? Is it something else? Depression? Some chemical imbalance? I wanna know!

This one said the same damn thing as the last twelve!"

Twelve? How long has this been going on? Has it been the same routine every time: her revealing she has weird dreams and suicidal tendencies and them trying to put her in an institution? Were they really all that bad? Alternatively, did her parents ever stop to consider that the therapists might be right? I mean, putting aside that they really wouldn't jump right to institutionalization, let's say they did. That was standard practice or something. Why aren't her parents going to do it? They seem to really want to be helping their daughter if they are willing to go to so many different psychiatrists. Why aren't they doing what said psychiatrists suggest?

ht? We don't even have to move this time!

They've been moving to accommodate this? I'm just finding this all to be very extreme. Granted, at the end, we get to see some of Emily's behavior, but if they are willing to go through such lengths as moving to deal with this, why haven't they, like, hired someone to look after her or something? She's having hallucinations. Do the therapists know about this? It seems like Jenks wanted to put her somewhere just based on her weird dreams. Hallucinations are another matter. Does he know about them? Is she on meds at all?

Mmm, I'm still somewhat skeptical. I'm not claiming to be an expert on mental health, but based on reading/learning/experience I've had, this just isn't adding up and it's throwing me out of the story. Rather than telling us how messed up Emily is by showing us how much stuff they've done, try showing us that it doesn't work. Give us a good therapist and a treatment plan and show how it isn't working. Right now, it just looks like they've had a lot of quacks and Emily just has serious anger issues. I'm not getting "genuinely messed up".

I'm interested to see why this is in Romantic Fiction. On to the next chapter, my pretties! Again, drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Thank you so much for the reviews so far, I should have probably put more into it, and added the fact that she is on pills already. This is the first novel I've attempted to write and I probably should have studied up more. I also should have said that the parents tell the Therapists about her hallucinations and show the records of her other visits. Would that help any? :l
Hess<3




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Hello there. :)

I just.. didn't want to live. Also I had extreme anger issues that got really hard to deal with sometimes. I still had holes in my walls from punching, and throwing things. Nice huh?

The part in bold seems a little bit weird. I know GryphonFledging mentioned it briefly before me. The thing is... It's like she just mentions it like its no big deal, when in fact, I doubt she just... Doesn't want to live anymore. I think it would have a better impact if you write a little bit more on the subject and the reason/reasons she thinks, or even knows, she doesn't want to live anymore.
They never fought, and if they did comma, they got over it quickly, laughing about how stupid they were being.

It was one of those things that just calmed me down.

Plot wise this is coming along nicely. Although GryphonFledging has some points on the whole thing with the therapist, it's still a good plot, in my opinion. I like the fact that it's pretty intense, and she can't really seem to figure out how to get well. Also, there's maybe a little too much description. It feels like the story is pausing for her to describe people and places and it shouldn't feel that way. It should flow right in and we shouldn't even realize we've 'stopped' to have details about her surroundings and the characters. Try to add little details as it goes so it's less awkward. I'll take her room as an example.
I looked around my room, it was white and black striped, kind of like piano keys. Pictures of music notes and artists, and a large picture of Marilyn Monroe hung on the wall. My electric piano sat along the wall next to my guitars.

This is what you have now, right?
My eyes passed over the black and white stripes that resembled a lot like piano keys. Pictures of music notes and artists also draped the walls, and a large picture of Marilyn Monroe hung on one of them. I have come accustomed of the decors of my walls and the lonely piano and guitars sitting in the corner.

I re-wrote it so it didn't seem as awkward. Of course, it'll still feel as if you stopped the story, but if you make it the reader feel as though the MC is seeing those things at the same time they do instead of just saying it in order to inform the reader, it'll be better.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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Everything has to be taken on trust; truth is only that which is taken to be true. It's the currency of living. There may be nothing behind it, but it doesn't make any difference so long as it is honoured. One acts on assumptions. What do you assume?
— Player (Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard)