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I thought you hated me
I thought you were a jerk
You had all these lame pictures
with those way too pretty girls

It was not like you turned out to be different
But kindness can make the hardest stone melt
And after a lot of heartbreak and tears
Your love and care was what I felt

Thanks for looking after me
Thanks for becoming such a good friend

I like it but....

You didn't turn out to be different though

Didn't? Perhaps it is just me but that makes it sound like they are the same as the description says in the first stanzas.
Should it not be, did?

Other then that good job.

Keep writing,
~FW~

You always seem to touch down on one firm topic..Love it!

Nice poem. I was a little bit disappointed with the ending. It could be a sum up the poem a bit better I think. I only have one other little thing to say:

qaralynn wrote:But kindness can make the hardest stone melt

It seemed a little wrong to say that stones melt. I am sure they do, but I thought it would fit better if maybe you put something like 'but kindness can even melt hearts of ice' That is just a suggest I am sure there are more creative ways to put it. I just find it hard to think of a stone melting if you see what I mean.

I have noticed you like short poems, which is good, but I think maybe its time you challenged yourself and wrote a longer one? All your poems carry strong powerful lessons, but can you stretch them???

Deanie x

Qaraaaa-TheConfusing-Goodsider whodoesn'tlikesoda! It's Demoness and here's my rewiew! xD

I thought you hated me,
I thought you were a jerk.
You had all these lame pictures,
with those way too pretty girls.

It was not like you turned out to be different,
But kindness can make the hardest stone melt. I like this line alot, it's has great imagery and is quite sweet
And after a lot of heartbreak and tears, I think you can scratch the "And" here, it's a bit annoying somehow ^^
Your love and care was what I felt.

Thanks for looking after me,
Thanks for becoming such a good friend.

So, I added some punctuation for the sake of the flow, but other than that it is pretty flawless when it comes to structure and grammar and stuff. I did find it a bit dull at time though, I mean it's sweet and tells a cute story but you use pretty poor vocabolary and there's too little imagery and creativity!

I didn't dislike it though! As I said, it was cute and sweet - It just needs more emotion

I'll reward you with 3/5 icky sticky spiders!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey qara, it's Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I thought you hated me
I thought you were a jerk
You had all these lame pictures
with those way too pretty girls

Okay, honestly I don't mind colloquialism, but the middle two lines here annoy me. "Jerk" and "lame" just seem way too casual to work in poetry or, well, anything except normal conversation. I like the last line, it's got a snarky little bite to it. But those middle two lines I think you could easily use better words, express it in a prettier way.

It was not like you turned out to be different
But kindness can make the hardest stone melt
And after a lot of heartbreak and tears
Your love and care was what I felt

Okay, here, lines 2 and 4 rhyme and I'm wondering if that's intentional, because there's no rhyme anywhere else and it makes me wonder why you would randomly choose to rhyme right there.

II. OVERALL

So you start off here by giving us one image and end with an entirely different one. And that's cool! The problem is, I don't really feel the change in the middle. It's very blink-and-you'll-miss-it. I'd love to see that pivotal moment where the speaker's opinion changes but right now it's lost in that middle stanza- the stanza I think is letting you down most. It's unclear exactly what happens in it- the second line doesn't say to whom this happened and it generally leaves me in a state of confusion. I think if you worked on that stanza in particular, it would really help with the rest of the poem.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

The first line, I think, was the best! Good job! I am looking forward to more of your work

Eeee, I'm not very good at reviews. But I'll try my best

The first and second lines don't fit together comfortably, and I'm not sure that I like the 'jerk' at the second line, as it's not quite subtle enough and you write it too early on.
However, I prefer poems that describe subtle things, and I prefer reading about, um, unusual or emotional things, for instance. This is part-romantic, or love-related, or whatever, and I'm... I don't really understand it, as I've never really felt this way about anybody, so maybe I don't like this stuff because it's just pretty new to me.
Those were the only nitpicks that I had, by the way.

It was not like you turned out to be different
But kindness can make the hardest stone melt
And after a lot of heartbreak and tears
Your love and care was what I felt

Thanks for looking after me

The parts that I've highlighted were probably my favourite lines (what... what colour is that? :\ purple? Pink? Eeeee, I'm so confuzzled xD!)


The simplicity of this, and I mean that as a compliment, makes it feel as though it's something that had truly come from the heart.
And it's easy to understand.
So... awesome :D You did an awesome job here!
Good luck, Emmzziee

Hello!
Onto a review...It's my first in a while!

Ok, so, my overall first impression...This was dull. Bland, uninspiring, and dull. I don't mean to sound too harsh, but I do want to be realistic with you, too.

Your grammar and punctuation is OK, but your vocabularly is limited and too casual. Language in poetry doesn't have to be strictly formal, of course, but 'lame' and 'jerk' are just too simple and lazy and say 'I haven't made an effort'.

In my mind, poetry should inspire; send a shiver down your spine, weave a subtle yet incredibly powerful theme throughout. Your poem lacked any sort of body, or spine, as it were. It had no underlying message with which to pack a punch. Your poem stirred no real emotion within me.

I apologise if I seemed too blunt. Now, I shall discuss more practical ways in which you can improve. I don't want to post a rant-review; I want to give you some advice - at least a little bit!

I can feel a tone change in your author's voice, right in the middle. You do a flip from bitchy and snarky to gentle and sweet. However, this transition has not been executed well. The second stanza was fumbly and you went round the houses, so to speak. Shorter, sharper sentences make more of an impact, in my opinion.

qaralynn wrote:It was not like you turned out to be different

You did not turn out to be different - how about that? It's simpler, starker, and more effective.

Now, the last two lines...quite simply: they totally let the poem down. They are just so weak and lame and make abosultely no impact. The only advice I can give is to make those two lines more dramatic and powerful. If the reader is to remember the poem - for your words to stay with that reader - the way that you end it is crucially important.

Anyway; I hope I didn't come across too overbearing. I'm only trying to help!

Hope to read more from you soon! And, if you welcome another critique, I'd be glad to offer my services.

- Am

First off, I found this confusing, and at the same time it was all put so bluntly. I think this would make a better story, where you could give more detail, give us the whole picture, and show rather than just telling.

I thought you hated me
I thought you were a jerkA bit cliche, add some more emotion. Jerk is such an overused word, and it makes the narrator sound young and immature. (I'm not saying you should use a swear word or anything, I'm just saying you should find a way to say this without just saying it.
You had all these lame pictures
with those way too pretty girls See, here you show why he is a jerk, because of the pictures. Maybe you could give us more, make us feel the way you feel about him.

It was not like you turned out to be different So he is a jerk?
But kindness can make the hardest stone melt Hm, how can he be no different than you thought if it turns out he's kind and his stone heart isn't too hard to be melted?
And after a lot of heartbreak and tears
Your love and care was what I feltHe broke your heart, made you cry and then you felt love?? What in the world? I don't get it.

Thanks for looking after me
Thanks for becoming such a good friendHow can he be a good friend if he broke your heart and hated you? I really don't get it. I feel like we are missing some element of the story. Can you give it to us, please?

This needs work, but it could be really good. I encourage you to add some more, play with this a bit until it becomes something amazing instead of just okay.