echoes

Spoiler

Blame Persymeanieface.

there's a man
in a house by the river
if you've seen it, you know the one;
....(one two three two one)
it looks like the houses I used to draw
and crawl inside to hide
so noone could find me
....(find me, refine me, child of dust)
I talked with him, once,
when minutes were spices.
I asked him what he used
to cut time into pieces
....(pieces, paces, crumbs of choices)
and he showed me how
he chases echoes,
brings them home
....(flown, alone)
to pin onto his wall
like butterflies
....(like butterflies?)
........like butterflies.

I liked this. It took me a couple reads, but it grew on me. "Like the houses I used to draw and crawl inside to hide," is probably my favorite line. Once more, I'm not sure why but it really resonated. You had lots of such little lines that just popped out and buried in my mind. Beautiful.

Now critique wise, I don't have much to say. However, I do feel like you might want to look at you're capitalization. I would probably recommend either not capitalizing all the I's or considering adding more capital letters. I would personally prefer the former, because it would add another hint of almost childish innocence to the poem, but it is really up to you. With poetry always do what feels right.

Other than that, wonderful job. Feel free to pm me with any questions on my critique or on the poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.

This is different, I like it! Its really weird, and gave me a creepy feeling. I read it over a couple of times, and I really enjoy it. Keep it up!

WoW! This was really good. I liked it a lot. It was weird in a mysterious creppy way but i enjoyed reading it

It was interesting, very interesting. It took a few reads through to get it fully, and the parenthesis slowed me down. But it was very well done, I can honestly say I've never seen anything like it before, and the way the words were positioned made it seem like it flowed more when you read it. Good Job, Keep Writing!

Liked it!

so noone could find me

Should that not be 'no one' instead of 'noone'?

Keep writing,
~FW~

This is how Lumi saves a spot for a review.

Notes for future self: contrast and rhythm and picky phrasing.

I do like this a lot, Azila. I'm disappointed you held out on us for so long. Anyway, expect to see this in the dungeon in a week. Much love and cherishing,

-Lumester

I thought that this poem was amazing. It took me a few times of reading it to understand but it seemed to get better every time that I read it through. I liked the wording a lot and the words in the parenthesis seemed to add effect quite well. Over all it is very well done.

Hello there, Azila.

Nitpicks:

(one two three two one)

- I think there should be commas in between the numbers.

in a house by the river

- I think there ought to be a comma after 'river'.

it looks like the houses I used to draw
and crawl inside to hide

- She crawls inside a house drawing? o.o

so noone could find me

- 'no one' are two words.

like butterflies
....(like butterflies?)
........like butterflies.

- Now, this ending just took my breath away


This is a really nice poem! The structure and the way you wrote it is so unique and interesting. The voice of the persona is strong and just carried me away. The words in the parentheses are a really interesting thing to add. The poem is just so brilliant! The little story in it is interesting too, but I don't understand it. o.o Everything, including the title, is so abstract, which was probably what you were really going for. I think you did a really great job.

Never stop writing!

P.S.
Are you online? I need backup. >.< I'm taking a break after this review. *sigh*

As usual, the things I noticed have been picked out by the eyes of others before me, saving me time and words. So all there is left for me to say is fantastic word choice and imagery. It really made me think about its meaning. Great job!!!!

Very awesome! All I can say is that it should be no one, not noone! Could Job!

This is very interesting...

You definitely need to add some more punctuation and capitalization.
Also, what are those words in parentheses for? What are they all about? They made almost no sense for any of the lines except the last one and the third one.
This is a pretty good poem but I'm not really feeling the emotion (or much flow) in it.
Good job anyways

Keep writing,
Alzora

ZILLY'S FEATURED AGAIN! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

^ Ohboy, caps abuse. XD


This may very well be sub-par, just so you know. I'm off my game today. (Just ask Kamas. Poor Kamas. At least she's random enough to keep up. (Yes, I have seen her infamous welcome thread. Why do you ask?))
~~~~~~~~~~

2 days later.....

ZILLY. I AM SO SORRY.

I totally meant to do this way earlier.

Also, I'm in a review slump. I feel like such a total noob every time I give one, now.

Aaannnd case in point: all I want to say is that this is beautiful.

Let me try again.

Gah, I love the feeling of this poem. It's almost ethereal, especially the way the parentheses make things all echo-ey. And I love the "Find me, refine me" line. And the butterfly line. And... aw heck, I love everything you have in parentheses here. Seriously, this is awesome. Don't sell yourself short. It's beautiful.

By the way, why should I thank Persy, and why is she a meanyface?

Wow, the effect you've created is really interesting, I like the lines between the main bits of the poem, they seem like afterthoughts, like the running commentary that you have going on in your mind behind everything else.

that is a very nice peom. I think you need to keep postig keep up the good job!!