Intoxicating: Chapter One: Part One

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Author's Note: This chapter leaves off pretty poorly, as the original chapter was too long and I know you guys generally look down upon that, so I split up chapter one into a few separate parts. Enjoy! Comment and like! Thank you for reading.

"Riley?" A melodic voice called out in the silence of my room. My window was slightly ajar until it was forced completely open. A long-legged, masculine figure stepped through rather ungracefully, the man stumbled a little before regaining his balance.

"Riley?" He repeated just as smoothly. I couldn't stand. I was dependent on the floor to protect me, although it never did. "Baby," the voice coaxed, "tell me what happened." His voice was calming, too calming. I wanted him to share my anger and pain. I glare up at him accusingly.

"Is that what you want?" I asked bitterly. Somehow, I restrained from shouting, no matter how much I needed to. "Another story for your collection?" Tears pooled in my eyes. They did not burn, they tore at my eyes with hatred. I abhored crying about these things. I should have been used to it.

He kneeled down besideme, his gray-green eyes flashing in the dim light. "Riley," he said once more, "I love you. I need to help you, baby." Infuriating me further, I clenched
my fists tightly. My fingernails dug into my palms, causing them to blossom with crimson, and my knuckles throbbed from the sudden discomfort.

"Don't call me that." I ordered in a tome that left no room for disagreement. Hatred pulsed through my veins, not necessarily at the man before me, but for the world in general.

"Ry?" He cooed, barely audible now. "I love you. I want to know what happened because I love you." For some peculiar reason, these words soothed my anger, more than I thought they ever could.

I heaved a deep breath, my lungs welcoming the freshness. "Zach?" My voice was gentle now, hardly a murmur of sound. I was still furious and hurt, but this wasn't Zach's fault.

"Yeah, Riley?" Zach's eyelids closed for a second, as if he was praying for a positive response.

"I love you too, you know?" I grimaced, I sounded so much like a lovesick teenager. "What I mean is, I love you very much."

Zach nodded, hair falling into his face. "Yeah, I know, Ry." I had a strong urge to push the strands of dark hair out of his eyes, but I resisted.

"I just can't tell you. It was awful." I peered up at him, finally raking the light hair off of my forehead. This revealed a particularly nasty bruise, at which the sight of, Zach gasped.

"Well, you get the gist of it, anyways," I told him, my teeth gritting together nervously. Zach bit his pink lip. He curled his arms around my lithe waist, his face comfortingly close to mine.

"Baby?" Seeing my suddenly annoyed expression, he sported an apologetic smile. "Riley? I think we should leave. This has gone on for long enough." My eyes glistened with tears. I loved him for even suggesting this. I loved him regardless, but this set me over the edge.

Fat tears dribbled down my cheeks, rolling off of my chin and raining onto my lap. "D-don't you think so?" Zach asked, staring into my eyes. Wind billowed in through the window, causing me to shiver. Zach embraced me, brushing tears from my face.

"Yeah," I agreed, my voice louder now, although I still continued to sob. I wasn't as angry anymore, at least not towards the world or Zach. I was only infuriated with my mother for allowing this to happen and my step-father for causing me such physical and emotional pain.

"Then let's go." Zach said. He stood up, but I was glued to the floor. Instead of tugging on my hands, he slid his arms around my waist and pulled me to my feet.
"Never ever underestimate the power of 'I'd like that'."




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OK, overall this piece had a strong emotional pull. I could see what was happening, I could almost feel it. Howerer, there were a couple mistakes and areas in need of improvement.

General writing and editing tips:

1. Watch out with your adjectives.
-Pretty words (i.e. melodic, sparkling, ect.) should be used for pretty things. Otherwise the reader becomes confused.
-Often times, simple words are best.
-Read the piece a couple times, leaving out certain adjectives as you go. If you still get the same mental picture without the word, leave it out. It's adding nothing.

2. Setting is a powerful tool, use it. It will make you mighty with the pen.
-Do it. Seriously, DO IT.
-Ask yourself, where is this happening? What does it look like? Why does this matter?
-Setting helps set the mood. Is her room bright and colorful? Is is dark and dingy? Does she even have a bed? Is the couch rotting? Is there a window. Are faces clearly visible or is it only outlines? See one description is more friendly and the other much more threatening.

3. Character Descriptions.
-Actions speak louder than words.
Ex. I watched him stumble heavily into the room. His acid breath an unwelcome reminder of where he'd been. God, I hated him. vs. A long-legged, masculine figure stepped through rather ungracefully, the man stumbled a little before regaining his balance.
-Which one has more oomph? Which one grabs your attention?

4. Always approach a piece as though you're reading it for the first time and have no idea what is going on.
-This will help you see where things are missing.
- Is this mysterious or just confusing?

5. Emotional transitions.
-Yes they can be wacky and a little off, but usually there's a reason for them.
- Most of the time, they are gradual and build up to explosions of emotions. If you want a sane character, make sure they sound that way.

I would recommend opening a second word document and re-writing it. Keep in mind my tips above while you're doing it, and feel free to check in with the original piece as well. Often times it helps me to write a piece out in several completely different ways before choosing one to stay with. That way you have more options and can choose the cream of the crop right off the bat.

Good luck with your writing and have fun. Feel free to pm me with any questions about my critique or about your piece in general. I'll be more than happy to answer them.
“Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald




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For me,all throughout the story I am confused if Riley is a girl or a boy. The name suggest a male character right? But I also think and I need to think that it was a girl. haha :)

Confusing but if I imagined Riley as a girl, I really felt the strong emotions in this one... :)
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

Paul Zione




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Hey. The only thing I had a problem was if Riley was a boy or a girl. Riely usually isn't a name I accociate with a girl. But, hey what do I know?
Trust is like a mirror, able to be fixed if broken, but you can still see the cracks.

Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writers will write not to be outlaw heroes but to save themselves, to survive as individuals.



The ink in which our lives are inscribed is indelible.
— Helena 'HG' Wells, Warehouse 13