Not As They Seem chapt. 3

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Not As They Seem
Chapt. 3

"Damnit, Robin! I hate your crappy old door! You seriously need to get this fixed,” a voice snapped. I heard his footsteps as he walked into the kitchen, wiping his hands on his pants.

“Phil!” I cried, jumping up and leaping into his arms, “I thought I was getting attacked! You scared me half to death!”

He stumbled back to catch me, grunting, then set me down. He cocked a blond eyebrow at me, “Attacked? Why would anyone want to attack you?”
Well this is embarrassing....

“I……..” I whispered, shaking my head. What could I say? Hey Phil, a psycho has fallen in love with me and he’s supposedly a vampire! He sent me a letter saying that if I don’t become his immortal princess then he’s pretty much going to get everyone I love to kill me!
But I could tell Phil everything! He’s been my best friend since ninth grade, the year I was a loser in high school. I’ve also had a SMALL crush on him, well I still do, but that’s not the point.

“You……?” He said, waiting and giving me a patient look. He knew that I had my, ya know, “issues” and he understood. He was adorable when he was waiting on me to explain something. His blue eyes change too. They’d change to a soft light blue if he was happy and a dark electric blue if angry. He always tried to keep his blond hair out of them but it kept falling across his forehead and into his eyes. He had a light tan throughout his body and was muscular. He’s the best friend you fall in love with type and I was tipping over for him.
And I now realize I’ve been staring and drooling at him for at least three minutes. Literally, I could feel drool at the corner of my mouth.

I blinked twice and raced to the doorway leading down the hall, “I need to pee!” I cried and raced into the bathroom, leaving him thinking “What’s wrong with her?”

I stared at myself in the mirror slowly breathing in and out. My stomach felt nauseas from the frightening note. I didn’t want Jonathan --- if that’s even his name --- to go after my friends or family. Especially not Phil! If I did tell him, then maybe he could help me. Or he’d run out screaming into the night and never talk to me again which will make me so depressed I’ll have to take up therapy which will eventually leave me to believe I’m crazy and a slow pain will develop in my heart, swallowing down all my sanity which will lead me to suicide……..
Aren’t I just a pleasant person?

I turned the tab to the sink and splashed some water onto my face. The streams of water ran down my pale sink. I bit my lip and my reflection responded. I then realized my hair looked like crap. It was a tangled brown mess, making it stringy and ugly. My brown eyes look plain and dull as always and my stomach dropped. I look horrible and Phil is two doors away!

I grabbed my brush from the drawer and dragged it through my hair. I applied a tiny bit of moisturizer and stormed out.
My heart exploded when I saw Phil, at the table and scanning over Jonathan’s letter!
“Nooo!” I cried and leaped towards him. I missed landing on top of him. Like by a mile.
I fell onto the kitchen table and the crack of one of the legs breaking thundered throughout the room. No, I'm not fat, this table just really sucks.
I tumbled to the floor and laid on top of the broken table. Phil just stared at me, the letter still in his hand.

“Jonathan is after you?” He asked, cocking his head.

I gasped, “you know his name?!” I scrambled to my feet.

“Yes,” he sighed, “I guess it’s time you know the truth.”

I gaped at him, “You’re a vampire too, aren’t you!” I screamed and stumbled over to the cabinet. I jerked out what looked like a sharp, steak knife but ended up to be an ordinary butter knife.

“Put that damn thing down!” He yelled, frowning, “I’m not a vampire! All I wanted to tell you was that his signature was on the back!”

I stared at him and dropped the butter knife. I strolled over and flipped the paper over to see Jonathan’s signature. Only his first name but he made it big enough it nearly covered the whole page.

“That’s how I know his name,” he mumbled and I handed him the paper back, “but he’s seriously a vampire?”

“I met him last night,” I murmured, “and I think he’s the real deal.”

“Here,” he said and stood, stuffing the note in his pocket, “let’s do some research.”


***


I’ve never been one to actually like doing nerdy crap and “homework” but for some reason Phil loved it.
He was in control of the computer, scanning over documents by who knows and adorably murmuring to himself. I lazily sat beside him, twirling and untwirling my hair around my fingers and sucking my thumb.

“So he said he’d turn everyone you love into a vampire?” He asked, looking at me, “and that if you didn’t kill them then they’d take you to him and you have to pretty much marry him?”

I nodded with half of my thumb hanging from my mouth.

He chewed on his tongue, “I guess we’re in this together.”

My heart fluttered and I smiled.

“I have an idea,” he said, “I need to go grab something from home real quick to enforce it.”

I nodded and stood as did he.

“It’s about five,” he said, glancing at the little digital clock on my desk, “you’ll be safe. I’m going to sleep here tonight if that’s alright.”

I nodded quickly, “no problem. I’m not sure if anyone is coming for me tonight, I mean, he said at midnight so I’m not sure the midnight from last night counted.”

He shrugged, slipping on his jacket as we walked down the hall and to the main door, “I don’t know but we’re not taking any chances,” he said softly and reached into his pocket. He handed me a large pocket knife and gazed into my eyes with his beautiful blue ones, “use this if needed. Promise?”

I bit my lip, “I promise, Phil.”

“Good,” he opened the door and the warmth of the apartment hallway blasted against my face, “I’ll be back in an hour.”

“Alright,” I nodded and he left me standing at the doorway, clutching onto a weapon.
***
Throughout the whole day, I hadn’t seen my cat. I mean, I did this morning but other than that he’s missing.

“Cookie!” I called, slowly searching my house. He was a good age and weight for a curious cat so he couldn’t be that hard to find. I had checked every room he’d probably be in twice.
I hoped he hadn’t gotten out. Maybe when Phil gets back, he can help me.

But I kept searching. Being alone in a house can be quite….lonely and slightly scary since, ya know, I’m being hunted for. Even though Cookie was just a kitty, he’d still be company. All I had to do was find him, snuggle down on the couch with him in my lap, and click on the TV and wait for Phil to get back.

“Cookie!” I yelled again, checking under my bed for the fifth time. Suddenly a low cat noise echoed throughout my apartment.

“Cookie!” I said happily and raced out of my room and skid to a stop when I find him in the middle of the hallway.
He sat on his haunches, staring at me with his wide grey eyes. Wait, grey? I thought they were brown? His fur was a darker white then usual, it was now a light grey but it was different. His tail laid still behind him and he just stared at me.

“C-Cookie?” I whispered, stepping back.

A low growl erupted from his throat as long, abnormal kitty fangs popped out of his mouth.
Last edited by halogirl4197 on Mon May 30, 2011 5:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Remember me for who I am, Not for who I was




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Hi!

First let me compliment your style of writing. It is very unique! I like it.

Wow, I totally don’t feel like a loser…..

This line does not really seem to fit or make sense. It rather interrupts the flow of your story.

He stumbled back to catch me, grunting, then set me down. He cocked a blond eyebrow at me, “attacked? Why would anyone want to attack you?”
"attacked?" Should be capitalized.


I blinked twice and raced to the doorway leading down the hall, “I need to pee!” I cried and raced into the bathroom, leaving him thinking “what’s wrong with her?”
"what" Needs to be capitalized.
(I think this is hilarious!) :)

I grabbed my brush from the drawer and dragged it through my hair. I applied a tiny bit of moisturizer and stormed out.
My heart exploded when I saw Phil, at the table and scanning over Jonathan’s letter!
“Nooo!” I cried and leaped towards him. For my failed attempt to look like one of those cool people in the movies, ya know, jumping in the air in slow motion, I ended up landing on the table and breaking one of the legs.
No, I’m not fat. This table just sucks.

I tumbled to the floor and laid on top of the broken table. Phil just stared at me, the letter still in his hand.

I got a little lost during the action sequence. You might want to try some re-wording and more description. (First drafts always do this though. :) )

“Yes,” he sighed, “I guess it’s time you know the truth.”

I gaped at my lover, “You’re a vampire too, aren’t you!” I screamed and stumbled over to the cabinet. I jerked out what looked like a sharp, steak knife but ended up to be an ordinary butter knife.

“Put that damn thing down!” He yelled, frowning, “I’m not a vampire! All I wanted to tell you was that his signature was on the back!”

Um... confusing! At first she has a crush on him now he is her lover? What? And what does telling her the truth have to do with anything? What truth? (I am pretty sure I can guess at what was happening in your head but you might consider making it a little easier to understand in your second draft. :) Just a thought....


That’s how I know his name,” he mumbled and I handed him the paper back, “but he’s seriously a vampire?”

“I met him last night,” I murmured, “and I think he’s the real deal.”

“Here,” he said and stood, stuffing the note in his pocket, “let’s do some research.”

Wow, He was calm about that! If I told my friend that I had met a vampire that wanted to marry me... I would be considered crazy!

“Cookie!” I called, slowly searching my house. He was a good age and weight for a curious cat so he couldn’t be that hard to find. I had checked every room he’d probably be in twice.
I hoped he hadn’t gotten out. Maybe when Phil gets back, he can help me.

But I kept searching. Being alone in a house can be quite….lonely and slightly scary since, ya know, I’m being hunted for. Even though Cookie was just a kitty, he’d still be company. All I had to do was find him, snuggle down on the couch with him in my lap, and click on the TV and wait for Phil to get back.

“Cookie!” I yelled again, checking under my bed for the fifth time. Suddenly a low cat noise echoed throughout my apartment.

“Cookie!” I said happily and raced out of my room and skid to a stop when I find him in the middle of the hallway.
He sat on his haunches, staring at me with his wide grey eyes. Wait, grey? I thought they were brown? His fur was a darker white then usual, it was now a light grey but it was different. His tail laid still behind him and he just stared at me.
Wonderful lead up!!!


A low growl erupted from his throat as little tiny, kitty fangs popped out from his mouth.

LOL, Sorry, but I find that funny! However, since cats already have fangs you might want to be a little more descriptive about the length of the fangs. (Up to you though.) :)


Summery:

Still finding this interesting! (Careful not to force your story though! There were times when I was reading that it almost seemed like you were grasping for stuff to write. If you come to a place where don't know what to write, take a short break until your inspiration comes back.)
Watch your capitalization's (First draft, no big deal.)

Can't wait to see where this goes!

Keep writing,
~FW~

P.S. PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review.
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