Not As They Seem chapt. 1

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Not As They Seem


A lot of strange things have happened to me in my life. On a daily basis, to be exact. Things that do not happen to normal people have happened to me. For example, one day I had arrived home from my job down at the library to find my bottle of hand lotion and one of my favorite books by Kerrlyn Sparks gone. Like, gone gone. And I found a note had been left on my nightstand from the thief.

To Carrie,
That’s what you get for cheating on me, you bitch!
Love, Kevin.


For one thing, my name isn’t Carrie, I don’t even know a Carrie. And second, the guy must be an idiot because I had a whole stash of gold jewelry in my bathroom cabinet and all he takes is a book and some hand lotion.
Anyway, let’s just say a lot of crap has happened to me in my nineteen years of living. And I’m still young which is the worst part.
And I’m single, I count that as a load of crap. Now that I think about it, my life isn’t so bad. Well, it wasn’t so bad.
Not until I found out that vampires existed. Yes! Vampires! And not the trashy romantic vampires that crawl into your window at night, as in, the vampires that will kill you in a heartbeat and suck your blood right on the spot.
And that’s not the worst part, the vampire fell in love with me. Like I said, he wasn’t the crawl in your window vampire and the things he said weren’t romantic. More like demanding, in a bad way. A very bad way.

I hate to break it to you, but I do not advise reading this. Yeah, I want to be a romantic novelist and write about the vampires that crawl into your window but this isn’t one of those stories. Let’s just say……..a lot more bad things happen to me in this than usual. A big whole jumble of blood in my story and I was in a front row seat of it all. I’d like to say unfortunately, none of the blood was mine. In some ways, I wish it was.

Chapt. 1

I was alone, as usual, and it was at night. I understand the fact that being alone at night isn’t good but right now, I don’t care. All the crap that’s been going on at the library has made my brain scramble around and around and I just can’t get everything into place. Josh had quit, Mariah had moved, and all that’s left is me and Ms. Crooky, but I don’t really like her. She’s the kind of lady that yells at little kids when they’re being loud in the library. All I do, is stack books……all day.[/i] No matter, I’m nineteen, in college, and I make good pay. I’ve been getting even better pay since everyone is being flicked off the library crew.

Anyway, it was just one of those nights where people often get jumped. I wouldn’t really know if getting jumped happened often, I had recently moved here in Georgia. I was fresh bait, left for the wolves. And the wolves are the people slowly getting out of the car in front of me. I gulped and clutched onto my purse. It wasn’t that full just had my cell phone, my ipod, my pager, my wallet, my old 7k engagement ring, and a Snickers bar.
Damn, I’m such an idiot.

They slipped out of the car and grinned at me. I’m not one to run and scream, I prefer to stand there and shake until I feel like running away and screaming. There’s a big difference.

“Hey, girly,” murmured one of the five men. They were in their mid twenties and were big. I was so small compared to them and they were all at least a head taller.

“Hi,” I said softly. Maybe I can flirt my way out.
Unless they want to rape me, then I would be in thicker trouble.

“Just get in the car and hand us the purse.”

“Should I hand you the purse before I get in the car or get in the car and then give you the purse?” I asked, biting my lip and then really thinking about the situation, “I mean, if I give you the purse first then I wouldn’t have to worry about dropping it in my way into the car; however, if I get in the car first then there’s a good way you can drop everything while you’re shifting through it because these roads are very bumpy, or---” Before I could finish, all the boys hopped back in the car and drove away, very fast as if I was a murderer or something.

Dang, I can’t even get jumped right….
“It’s not your fault,” growled a voice behind me, “I scared them away, even though you were becoming quite annoying.”

I squealed and jumped around to meet dark grey eyes. It was a man, well I hope it was….. He had broad shoulders and a dark face, marked with five o’clock shadow. His face was pale and his lips were dark pink and kissable. His eyes pierced through mine and I blinked. He was very muscular, and since he was standing so close to me, his muscles nearly pressed against me. He was very attractive, very close to sexy.

My mouth fell open and he began to speak again, “now, what I want you to do is turn around and head home, I’ll come back for you later.”

I blinked, “wait! Who are you?” I only blinked once but my eyes kept doing it. Like shades on a window, up down up down up down, it was very annoying.

“My name is Jonathan,” he said, “I’ll explain what I want with you later, now go home.”

In the glimmer of the moonlight, I caught a glimpse of sharp teeth, extremely sharp teeth, “are…….are you human?”

“Not really,” he said and groaned, “go home.”

“No! Look at your teeth, they’re very strange.”
He groaned again.

“Have you ever considered going to a dentist to look at that, or an orthodontist, or---”

He ran his hands down his face, “you’re so annoying, I really don’t get why I love you.”

Personally, I don’t consider myself annoying. I can just babble, babbling isn’t annoying…. “L-love me?” I whispered, stepping back, “who-who are you?”

He opened his mouth to speak but I caught another glimpse of his teeth. Well they weren’t teeth……they were fangs!

My inner “run and scream” senses kicked in and I threw my arms in the air, my purse flying wildly off my shoulder, and I turned around and started running, my screams echoing throughout the night.
I heard his groan distantly but I kept running, hoping to get away from the man that seemed to be a vampire.
But I barely got away.

In a flash, he was standing before me and his large pale hands clasping my arms. I squirmed and screamed, as he fussed at me to shut up. He didn’t say it so politely but he did manage to shut me up.

“You’ll alert someone I’m here!” He snapped, shaking me and forcing me to meet his eyes.

I was entranced by his gorgeous eyes and nearly fainted.
He was about to speak but he didn’t when he really looked into my eyes. His lips open slightly, as if mesmerized by my own eyes and we stared at each other. When I saw movies liked this, I never understood how it wasn’t awkward but now I know that it isn’t like that at all. It’s kind of beautiful actually.

“Robin,” he whispered, his hands going up and down my arms. His hands were warm in this cold fall night and I enjoyed it.

I didn’t reply, I just kept staring.

“Robin,” he whispered again, “you’re an idiot.” A wave of pain struck my skull as I fell into oblivion.
Remember me for who I am, Not for who I was




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Okay, first I want to say how much I HATE Vampire stories! That being said, I LOVED it! It was the originality of the beginning that drew me in.

Your characters are awesome! (What little I see about them so far.)

“Should I hand you the purse before I get in the car or get in the car and then give you the purse?” I asked, biting my lip and then really thinking about the situation, “I mean, if I give you the purse first then I wouldn’t have to worry about dropping it in my way into the car; however, if I get in the car first then there’s a good way you can drop everything while you’re shifting through it because these roads are very bumpy, or---” Before I could finish, all the boys hopped back in the car and drove away, very fast as if I was a murderer or something.

That was just great! I was laughing by the end of the paragraph!

Dang, I can’t even get jumped right….
“It’s not your fault,” growled a voice behind me, “I scared them away, even though you were becoming quite annoying.”
Good come back to serious. I have to ask... is he reading her mind because it almost seems like it the way it is worded.


“Robin,” he whispered again, “you’re an idiot.” A wave of pain struck my skull as I fell into oblivion.
You are my kind of author! Great cliff ending!

Keep writing, (Triple congratulations for making me read a Vampire story!)

~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
~When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world. ~ George Carver

Writing...they claim it is a dangerous occupation... 'they' have no idea!




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halogirl4197 wrote:Not As They Seem


A lot of strange things have happened to me in my life. On a daily basis, to be exact. Things that do not happen to normal people have happened to me. For example, one day I had arrived home from my job down at the library to find my bottle of hand lotion and one of my favorite books by Kerrlyn Sparks gone. Like, gone gone. And I found a note had been left on my nightstand from the thief.

To Carrie,
That’s what you get for cheating on me, you bitch!
Love, Kevin.


For one thing, my name isn’t Carrie, I don’t even know a Carrie. And second, the guy must be an idiot because I had a whole stash of gold jewelry in my bathroom cabinet and all he takes is a book and some hand lotion.
Anyway, let’s just say a lot of crap has happened to me in my nineteen years of living. And I’m still young which is the worst part.
I think my life would be better here.
And I’m single, I count that as a load of crap. Now that I think about it, my life isn’t so bad. Well, it wasn’t so bad.
Not until I found out that vampires existed. Yes! Vampires! And not the trashy romantic vampires that crawl into your window at night, as in, the vampires that will kill you in a heartbeat and suck your blood right on the spot.
And that’s not the worst part, the vampire fell in love with me. Like I said, he wasn’t the crawl in your window vampire and the things he said weren’t romantic. More like demanding, in a bad way. A very bad way.

I hate to break it to you, but I do not advise reading this. Yeah, I want to be a romantic novelist and write about the vampires that crawl into your window but this isn’t one of those stories. Let’s just say……..a lot more bad things happen to me in this than usual. A big whole jumble of blood in my story and I was in a front row seat of it all. I’d like to say unfortunately, none of the blood was mine. In some ways, I wish it was.

Chapt. 1

I was alone, as usual, and it was at night. I understand the fact that being alone at night isn’t good but right now, I don’t care. All the crap that’s been going on at the library has made my brain scramble around and around and I just can’t get everything into place. Josh had quit, Mariah had moved, and all that’s left is me and Ms. Crooky, but I don’t really like her. She’s the kind of lady that yells at little kids when they’re being loud in the library. All I do, is stack books……all day.[/i] No matter, I’m nineteen, in college, and I make good pay. I’ve been getting even better pay since everyone is being flicked off the library crew.

Anyway, it was just one of those nights where people often get jumped. I wouldn’t really know if getting jumped happened often, I had recently moved here in Georgia. I was fresh bait, left for the wolves. And the wolves are the people slowly getting out of the car in front of me. I gulped and clutched onto my purse. It wasn’t that full just had my cell phone, my ipod, my pager, my wallet, my old 7k engagement ring, and a Snickers bar.
Damn, I’m such an idiot.

They slipped out of the car and grinned at me. I’m not one to run and scream, I prefer to stand there and shake until I feel like running away and screaming. There’s a big difference.

“Hey, girly,” murmured one of the five men. They were in their mid twenties and were big. I was so small compared to them and they were all at least a head taller.

“Hi,” I said softly. Maybe I can flirt my way out.
Unless they want to rape me, then I would be in thicker trouble.

“Just get in the car and hand us the purse.”

“Should I hand you the purse before I get in the car or get in the car and then give you the purse?” I asked, biting my lip and then really thinking about the situation, “I mean, if I give you the purse first then I wouldn’t have to worry about dropping it in my way into the car; however, if I get in the car first then there’s a good way you can drop everything while you’re shifting through it because these roads are very bumpy, or---” Before I could finish, all the boys hopped back in the car and drove away, very fast as if I was a murderer or something.

Dang, I can’t even get jumped right….
“It’s not your fault,” growled a voice behind me, “I scared them away, even though you were becoming quite annoying.”

I squealed and jumped around to meet dark grey eyes. It was a man, well I hope it was….. He had broad shoulders and a dark face, marked with five o’clock shadow. His face was pale and his lips were dark pink and kissable. His eyes pierced through mine and I blinked. He was very muscular, and since he was standing so close to me, his muscles nearly pressed against me. He was very attractive, very close to sexy.

My mouth fell open and he began to speak again, “now, what I want you to do is turn around and head home, I’ll come back for you later.”

I blinked, “wait! Who are you?” I only blinked once but my eyes kept doing it. Like shades on a window, up down up down up down, it was very annoying.

“My name is Jonathan,” he said, “I’ll explain what I want with you later, now go home.”

In the glimmer of the moonlight, I caught a glimpse of sharp teeth, extremely sharp teeth, “are…….are you human?”

“Not really,” he said and groaned, “go home.”

“No! Look at your teeth, they’re very strange.”
He groaned again.

“Have you ever considered going to a dentist to look at that, or an orthodontist, or---”

He ran his hands down his face, “you’re so annoying, I really don’t get why I love you.”

Personally, I don’t consider myself annoying. I can just babble, babbling isn’t annoying…. “L-love me?” I whispered, stepping back, “who-who are you?”

He opened his mouth to speak but I caught another glimpse of his teeth. Well they weren’t teeth……they were fangs!

My inner “run and scream” senses kicked in and I threw my arms in the air, my purse flying wildly off my shoulder, and I turned around and started running, my screams echoing throughout the night.
I heard his groan distantly but I kept running, hoping to get away from the man that seemed to be a vampire.
But I barely got away.

In a flash, he was standing before me and his large pale hands clasping my arms. I squirmed and screamed, as he fussed at me to shut up. He didn’t say it so politely but he did manage to shut me up.

“You’ll alert someone I’m here!” He snapped, shaking me and forcing me to meet his eyes.

I was entranced by his gorgeous eyes and nearly fainted.
He was about to speak but he didn’t when he really looked into my eyes. His lips open slightly, as if mesmerized by my own eyes and we stared at each other. When I saw movies liked this, I never understood how it wasn’t awkward but now I know that it isn’t like that at all. It’s kind of beautiful actually.

“Robin,” he whispered, his hands going up and down my arms. His hands were warm in this cold fall night and I enjoyed it.

I didn’t reply, I just kept staring.

“Robin,” he whispered again, “you’re an idiot.” A wave of pain struck my skull as I fell into oblivion.


I really liked your last sentance. I pointed out the one thing I thought was odd, and I would also like to point out that you really should work on your caps. I saw a lot of sentances in need of capitalization. No typos, A+.

It was a good pice of work, well done.
"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Does the wand in your hand know it's last master was Disarmed? Beacause if it does...I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

"And quite honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime."

~Harry Potter




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Chapter 3 now please :D
Unlike freewriter I love vampire stories and this is so different to the ones I normally read. My eyes were literally glued to your words. I love your description and I am in love with your characters. <3
More please!
-Wolfie




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I loved this! It had humor, adventure, and romance all in one! And your writing was amazing! I hate Twilight, so let's hope this interests me more, and so far you've done a great job:)

I didn't notice any grammar errors, but there were some things that kind of made me think.
Spoiler
For one thing, my name isn’t Carrie, I don’t even know a Carrie. And second, the guy must be an idiot because I had a whole stash of gold jewelry in my bathroom cabinet and all he takes is a book and some hand lotion.
Anyway, let’s just say a lot of crap has happened to me in my nineteen years of living. And I’m still young which is the worst part.
I think my life would be better here.

This part made me laugh. Although thinking about it I wondered if it pertained to the story at all. I assumed that maybe it would come up again later in the story, but if not, there's no need for it. It was funny and all, but it has to tie into the story somehow.

I love your character!
Spoiler
“Should I hand you the purse before I get in the car or get in the car and then give you the purse?” I asked, biting my lip and then really thinking about the situation, “I mean, if I give you the purse first then I wouldn’t have to worry about dropping it in my way into the car; however, if I get in the car first then there’s a good way you can drop everything while you’re shifting through it because these roads are very bumpy, or---” Before I could finish, all the boys hopped back in the car and drove away, very fast as if I was a murderer or something.

If only there were people like her in real life. We could be best friends:)

Spoiler
He ran his hands down his face, “you’re so annoying, I really don’t get why I love you.”

I think you could have done a better job with that part. What kind of boy just goes out and says, "I love you," in that way? I realize he's a vampire, but I can't really picture this because of lack of being realistic.

Spoiler
My inner “run and scream” senses kicked in and I threw my arms in the air, my purse flying wildly off my shoulder, and I turned around and started running, my screams echoing throughout the night.
I heard his groan distantly but I kept running, hoping to get away from the man that seemed to be a vampire.
But I barely got away.

Some guys wanted to rape her and it doesn't even bother her at all, but then she finally freaks out when she sees fangs? I guess it could just be she was used to guys like that, but still. And how could she tell him he needs to see an orthodontist without seeing his fangs, and then when she finally does "see" them she screams? That didn't add up to me.

Spoiler
A wave of pain struck my skull as I fell into oblivion.

I have no idea what oblivion means, or what had just happened. But I assume you'll explain it in the next chapter:)

Can't wait!
Let's eat mom.
Let's eat, mom.
Good grammar saves lives :D




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I thought it was pretty good. :)



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