Come On, Sis!

Based this off of something in a novel I'm writing, I thought about it and inspiration struck. Just please don't kill it.

Come on Sis, what’s the use in hiding it?
Don’t think I can’t see you,
And your furtive glances at him.

Come on Sis, why are you trying
To push him away?
He’d make you happy, so happy
For once in your life.

Come on Sis, can’t you see
He’s so into you?
Can’t you see how he smiles
Whenever you're around him?

Come on Sis, why are you denying it?
Why can’t you just let yourself go,
Forget about the past,
And have some fun?

Come on Sis, give up the fight!
You should know by now
You’re not winning this one.
Just give him a chance.

Why can’t you just let yourself go?
Forget about the past

The first problem I had with it^

The other thing is that the ending isn't very final. Think about what you're trying to say, look through a thesaurus and find a stronger way to say it (should help there).

That's all! Otherwise I think it's really great

Keep writing,
Alzora/Nixy

Yo XD

So, let's start on a positive: I really, honestly, truly like the message ^^ it was really sweet, and I could kind of identify with it...........

Come on Sis, can’t you see
He’s so into you?
Can’t you see how he smiles
Whenever he’s around you?

Okay, so, this poem is sort of freestyle and all, yes? Because, it doesn't rhyme. Now, in this stanza, two lines end in "you". You does not rhyme with you, but, I don't know, it doesn't sound right.......... you could change either line... personally, "He's so into you" isn't a very strong line to begin with... but it works for this poem because it's like, a message to your sister, so I would change "Whenever he's around you" to, I don't know, "Whenever you two are together" or something.

I must agree with Justagirl, the ending isn't really strong enough..............

Ending on a positive note: I thought, overall, this poem had such a sweet message. It made me smile XD

Keep on writing

--
Tabby

This was cute, I like it. I like how each stanza began with 'Come on, Sis,' it shows how the speaker cares and gives a nice flow.

I'll have to agree with Tabby that the third stanza especially isn't very strongly worded and sounds strange. The ending could be a little stronger too, but I like it as is. Nice work.

~KG