Puppy Love

((OOC: This is my first ever attempt at romantic fiction, so feel free to give pointers ))


I was at the local dog park, wearing some sweats and a beater, not my usual skirt and tank topwhen it happened.

I was also walking my extremely bouncy fifty pound ball of obese puppy fur named Kel.

Kel was going crazy, pulling me this way and that way, trying to smell every smell at once, when she met another fluff-ball. They proceeded to play rambunctiously, tongues hanging out and smiling broad doggy grins as they wrapped their leashes around the other owner and me.

Anyway, five seconds later, we were both together on the ground, and I swear that the puppies were laughing at us.

"Sorry, are you okay?" he said, from an awkward position on the ground as I tried to extract us.

"I'm Mel," I said, just noticing how beautiful he was, even when lying in the dusty ground, with dirt on his lightly freckled nose and in his thick mahogany hair.

" I'm Dave,"

"Sorry about Bear, he just gets super hyper."

"Mmm" I said, gazing into his hazel eyes, not hearing a word he said.

So, after we were untangled and the dogs settled down, Dave asked, "Want to walk with me?" with a lopsided smile that tugged at my heart.

That snapped me back to reality. "Oh, sure!" I said, somewhat breathlessly.

"Cool," Dave said, dusting himself off.

That was how I met Dave Harris, three months ago. Since then, we've been walking the puppies together every day.

EDIT: I dont have time to fix all the mistakes, sorry, and Mel is a girl

Karma wrote:((OOC: This is my first ever attempt at romantic fiction, so feel free to give pointers ))

Chapter 1

I was at the local dog park, walking my extremely bouncy ball of fur named Kel, short for Keladry, when it happened.

Kel was going crazy, pulling me this way and that way, trying to smell every smell at once, when she met another fluff-ball. They proceeded to play rambunctiously, tongues hanging out and smiling broad doggy grins as they wrapped their leashes around the other owner and me.

Anyway, five seconds later, we were both together on the ground, and I swear that the puppies were laughing at us.

"Hi, I'm Dave," he said, from an awkward position on the ground as I tried to extract us.

"I'm Mel," I said, just noticing how beautiful he was, even when lying in the dusty ground, with dirt on his lightly freckled nose and in his thick mahogany hair.

"Sorry about Bear, he just gets super hyper."

"Mmm" I said, gazing into his hazel eyes, not hearing a word he said.

"Want to walk with me?" he asked, with a lopsided smile that tugged at my heart.

That snapped me back to reality. "Oh, sure!" I said, somewhat breathlessly.

"Cool," Dave said, dusting himself off.

"Oh, by the way, you have a smudge on your nose, " I said, somewhat shyly.

"Whoops, " he said, and wiped it off.

That was how I met Dave Harris, three months ago. Since then, we've been walking the puppies together every day.

Every mistake is bolded... i hate you for being so smart.

I liked it but it reminds me of 101 Dalmations, sorry....but it does, brings back childhood memorys of eating popcorn on the couch watching that movie with my family.

Karma wrote:((OOC: This is my first ever attempt at romantic fiction, so feel free to give pointers ))

Okay.

Chapter 1

Ouch, terrible!

I was at the local dog park, walking my extremely bouncy ball of fur named Kel, short for Keladry when it happened.

I'd delete this. Unless a character calls the dog "Keladry" there isn't a need to introduce the dog by that name.

Kel was going crazy, pulling me this way and that way, trying to smell every smell at once, when she met another fluff-ball. They proceeded to play rambunctiously, tongues hanging out and smiling broad doggy grins as they wrapped their leashes around the other owner and me.

Uh... how could a little ball of fluff be dragging your character around? Dogs are energetic, but it usually takes a lot of mass to move a human. A fifty pound ball of fluff works, but not a 20 pound dog.

Anyway, five seconds later, we were both together on the ground, and I swear that the puppies were laughing at us.

"Hi, I'm Dave," he said, from an awkward position on the ground as I tried to extract us.

Isn't it customary to say "Excuse me," or "I'm sorry" if your dog is misbehaving? Just trying to keep in believable.

"I'm Mel," I said, just noticing how beautiful he was, even when lying in the dusty ground, with dirt on his lightly freckled nose and in his thick mahogany hair.

Now would be a good time to define Mel's gender. Mel is gender neutral, so the next line should either be "That's an odd name," if it's a girl or, "Pleased to meet you," if it's a boy.

"Sorry about Bear, he just gets super hyper."

"Mmm" I said, gazing into his hazel eyes, not hearing a word he said.

"Want to walk with me?" he asked, with a lopsided smile that tugged at my heart.

That snapped me back to reality. "Oh, sure!" I said, somewhat breathlessly.

"Cool," Dave said, dusting himself off.

"Oh, by the way, you have a smudge on your nose, " I said, somewhat shyly.

"Whoops, " he said, and wiped it off.

That was how I met Dave Harris, three months ago. Since then, we've been walking the puppies together every day.

This section was kind of annoying to read. It uses the same cliched adjectives and it doesn't really introduce anything that's especially interesting. In fact, if you want, you could delete the sentences that are underlined.

Love may be full of those small little things, "you have a smudge on your nose," "whoops," etc.

In the long run though, readers don't really give a care if their is a smudge on his nose or not. As a writer you need to include the things that are important to the story. Remember, this is a story, not a documentary. You won't recieve flak for not including some obscure part of their meeting.

For the adjectives, see if you can find simpler words, instead of scouring a thesaurus for something that is ten times as sophisticated.

Finally, give Mel a gender so I can tell if this is the beginning to a traditional romance novel, or if it is the beginning of some homosexual romance novel. The reader will thank you for the clarification.

Yep...
thanx for the pointers and no, IT IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL ROMANCE NOVEL!!
sorry. had to get that out of my system

Grif covered what I wanted to say...nice job!

Maybe a bit more details, that is my only suggestion, it all kind of happened quick.

I was also walking my extremely bouncy fifty pound ball of obese puppy fur named Kel.

I LOVE that sentence.

Keep writing!

~Mateeah

I am definetly disappointed in the length. Hmm, I would have loved to see more of this. I agree with mateeah3 that it just happened all too fast. And it does remind of of 101Dalmations.

But besides all that, it was decent. I think you could include WAY more detail. I felt it was lacking in that department.

I strongly urge you to lengthen and incorporate more of your plot!

I know this review is short but I can't find anything in particular wrong with it. It was just too short for my taste.

But I am interested in if you will continue it and where this is going??

Hmm, the possibilites!

Everybody always gets to good novels before me so I don't have much to say :.(! I really liked it and everyone already covered the basic edits for me. So, yeah! Good job, still! I enjoyed reading it and hope you continue this! 0(o.o)0

Karma wrote:((OOC: This is my first ever attempt at romantic fiction, so feel free to give pointers ))

Ooh! Congrats on your first attempt at romantic fiction!!! That's basically the only genre that I write, and I think you did pretty darn good for a first attempt (way better than my first).

Karma wrote:I was at the local dog park, wearing some sweats and a beater, not my usual skirt and tank topwhen it happened.

Put a space between 'top' and 'when'. Also, add a comma after the word 'top'. Or you could change the part where it says: "not my usual skirt and tank top' to 'not my usual attire'.

Karma wrote:I was also walking my extremely bouncy fifty pound ball of obese puppy fur named Kel.

Hm... methinks that the word 'also' is a bit... unnecessary here. Just delete it. And, I'm a bit unsure as to whether or not puppy fur can be obese... But, whatever floats your boat. Just think it over, will you?

Karma wrote:Kel was going crazy, pulling me this way and that way, trying to smell every smell at once, when she met another fluff-ball. They proceeded to play rambunctiously, tongues hanging out and smiling broad doggy grins as they wrapped their leashes around the other owner and me.

I think that the word 'smell', in the first sentence, should be replaced by the word 'everything'. So, the sentence would read: "Kel was going crazy, pulling me this way and that way, trying to smell everything at once, when she met another fluff-ball." And me also thinks that the very last word, 'me', should be changed to 'myself'. The whole paragraph would just sound much more intellectual and would most likely flow easier with just those few changes.

Karma wrote:Anyway, five seconds later, we were both together on the ground, and I swear that the puppies were laughing at us.

'Anyway' really doesn't work well in a story. It sounds like you're just talking to your friend about something that happened at school or something. Just get rid of it. 'Five' should be the first word of the sentence. And maybe change 'and I swear that the puppies were laughing at us.' to 'with the puppies sitting side by side, staring at us with little puppy grins, as if insisting that this was meant to happen.'

Karma wrote:"Sorry, are you okay?" he said, from an awkward position on the ground as I tried to extract us.

Change 'said' to 'asked'. He asked you a question. He didn't make a statement.

Karma wrote:"I'm Mel," I said, just noticing how beautiful he was, even when lying in the dusty ground, with dirt on his lightly freckled nose and in his thick mahogany hair.

Good job with this one. I didn't find any mistakes. I just have a suggestion. You could change 'said' to 'offered', just to switch it up a bit.

Karma wrote:" I'm Dave,"

It should be: "I'm Dave." You have an extra space before the word 'I'm' and the comma should be a period.

Karma wrote:"Sorry about Bear, he just gets super hyper."

Another suggestion! You could change 'super' to 'really'. I think it may sound better.

Karma wrote:"Mmm" I said, gazing into his hazel eyes, not hearing a word he said.

Where it says: "Mmm", there need to be a comma after the third 'm'. And you could change 'said' to 'answered'.

Karma wrote:So, after we were untangled and the dogs settled down, Dave asked, "Want to walk with me?" with a lopsided smile that tugged at my heart.

Beautiful. :*) Makes me all teary eyed. No mistakes or suggestions here! Good job!

Karma wrote:That snapped me back to reality. "Oh, sure!" I said, somewhat breathlessly.

Yet again, no mistakes or suggestions. You're making my job so easy.

Karma wrote:"Cool," Dave said, dusting himself off.

Very nice job. The dialogue sounds very realistic.

Karma wrote:That was how I met Dave Harris, three months ago. Since then, we've been walking the puppies together every day.

Very interesting. You left me hanging! Now you have to write more! Overall, your grammar was quite excellent. Punctuation needed a bit of TLC, but I fixed that. I really liked this and think you should continue. You're very good and I have high expectations if you desire to continue this.

If you have any questions or need another critique, PM me.

Yours Truly,
Monki

I liked this story! There are only a few things I would like to point out:

Karma wrote:((OOC: This is my first ever attempt at romantic fiction, so feel free to give pointers ))


I was at the local dog park, wearing some sweats and a beater, not my usual skirt and tank top when it happened.

I was also walking my extremely bouncy fifty pound ball of obese puppy fur named Kel.

Kel was going crazy, pulling me this way and that way, trying to smell every smell at once, when she met another fluff-ball. They proceeded to play rambunctiously, tongues hanging out and smiling broad doggy grins as they wrapped their leashes around the other owner and me.

Anyway, five seconds later, we were both together on the ground, and I swear that the puppies were laughing at us.

"Sorry, are you okay?" he said, from an awkward position on the ground as I tried to extract us.

"I'm Mel," I said, just noticing how beautiful he was, even when lying in the dusty ground, with dirt on his lightly freckled nose and in his thick mahogany hair.

" I'm Dave, sorry about Bear, he just gets super hyper."

"Mmm" I said, gazing into his hazel eyes, not hearing a word he said.

So, after we were untangled and the dogs settled down, Dave asked, "Want to walk with me?" with a lopsided smile that tugged at my heart.

That snapped me back to reality. "Oh, sure!" I said, somewhat breathlessly.

"Cool," Dave said, dusting himself off.

That was how I met Dave Harris, three months ago. Since then, we've been walking the puppies together every day.

EDIT: I dont have time to fix all the mistakes, sorry, and Mel is a girl

The things I suggest correcting are in bold. I know you said you don't have time to fix it, but please just take it into consideration for the next story you write. Oh, and very good! Especially for a first try at romance! I think you should continue this story.

There wasn't really much action and it was kind of short. I think you should add more.

First of all, I like the idea of how they're meeting in the story, I think it's got potential to be cute and unexpected--I suggest putting more detail in and fill in those empty spaces that leave the reader going...uh what?

Okay, the flow was kinda rough, but that could be fixed with filling in those holes give me details! I want to know Mel better. Who is she? Why does she go on walks with her dog? What are her surroundings? What is she thinking about?

Filling in those little spaces will give the reader a better picture of what is going on and it will make it much more enjoyable to read. Use adjectives, you have a couple good lines in there; so make something out of them!

Overall...it kinda sounds like a documentary--like you're writing in your journal or something.

I really like the idea you've got going here--hey who doesn't like 100 dalmations? That'd be cool if you novelized it. Keep writing