The Beast

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Thu May 26, 2011 7:40 pm

TheCodex says... · Thu May 26, 2011 7:40 pm

The Beast
By TheCodex

My feet pound the grass under my cleat
My heart hammers to a very fast beat

I’m breathing hard and sweat rolls down my face
I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase

I’m locked in a daring fight of the feet
The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat

I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!

:smt003

What do you think?

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Sassykat

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Thu May 26, 2011 7:56 pm

Sassykat says... · Thu May 26, 2011 7:56 pm

Soccer, right? Oh, this was excellent. You definitely caught the mood of the moment very well, I could see and feel everything well. Great job. I can't think of anything to critique you on, so I'll just tell you to keep writing!

Shakespearian tongue-twister:

To sit in solemn silence
In a dark, dank dock
In a pestilential prison
With a lifelong lock;
Awaiting the sensation
Of a short, sharp shock
Of a cheap, chippy chopper
On a big black block.

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TheCodex

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Thu May 26, 2011 8:33 pm

TheCodex says... · Thu May 26, 2011 8:33 pm

Thanks!

Last edited by TheCodex on Fri May 27, 2011 4:08 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research!
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"You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club."
- Jack London.

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HorsebackWriter

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Thu May 26, 2011 11:35 pm

HorsebackWriter says... · Thu May 26, 2011 11:35 pm

TheCodex wrote:The Beast
By TheCodex

My feet pound the grass under my cleat
My heart hammers to a very fast beat

I’m breathing hard and sweat rolls down my face
I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase

I’m locked in a daring fight of the feet
The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat

I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!

What do you think?

The senstance I bolded needs to be rewritten, I don't think it flows very well
Also, I think you should use periods on every other line. Other than that, I saw nothing to crit. Good job!

"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Does the wand in your hand know it's last master was Disarmed? Beacause if it does...I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

"And quite honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime."

~Harry Potter

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TabbyGirl

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Fri May 27, 2011 12:31 am

TabbyGirl says... · Fri May 27, 2011 12:31 am

I just... have to say... I <3 your avatar!!! Road to El Dorado FTW!!!

But anywho...

My feet pound the grass under my cleat

Feet? Cleat? One is plural while the other is singular... I mean, if you want it to rhyme with "beat", change "feet" to foot, and "pound" to pounds... or just add an s to "cleat", it'll still pretty much rhyme.

My heart hammers to a very fast beat

Ah! I almost never have poetic insight, but here, I do! I don't think "very" doesn't work well here... I would consider changing to a more descriptive word, "lightning" for example...

The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat

Well... I do like this part, however, you can't see heat... "unbearable" might work better... or maybe you meant unsightly in a poetic sense... it just doesn't work literally, naw wut'm sayin'?

I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!

I like this, I feel it's a strong ending.

Overall I thought this was a nice, fun little poem XD

--
Tabby

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TheReader22

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Fri Jun 17, 2011 3:26 am

TheReader22 says... · Fri Jun 17, 2011 3:26 am

This is very good

I just have a few grammatical corrections/suggestions. They're in a bluish colour.

My feet pound the grass under my cleat cleats?
My heart hammers to a very fast beat If you change the first line to cleats, to make this line rhyme maybe something like :My Heart hammers too fast as it steadily beats...

I’m breathing hard as or a , sweat rolls down my face
I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase

I’m locked in a daring fight of the feet
The sun drags me down, with its unsightly heat

I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!

Overall I really enjoyed this poem! I've never read a poem about soccer before

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wegottableeder

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Points 1040

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Sun Jun 19, 2011 6:08 pm

wegottableeder says... · Sun Jun 19, 2011 6:08 pm

I love it you leave us hanging then BAM! soccer. I was waiting for the monster to come and eat you.

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popatemyheart1994

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Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:27 pm

popatemyheart1994 says... · Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:27 pm

TheCodex wrote:The Beast
By TheCodex

My feet pound the grass under my cleat<<<<<FIX and I think you need a comma here
My heart hammers to a very fast beat

I’m breathing hard and sweat rolls down my face<<<<<<comma here too!
I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase<<<<<<I like this line but you need to punctuate it with full stops.

I’m locked in a daring fight of the feet <<<<<<<BEST LINE IN THE POEM! Loved it
The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat

I run to the ball, ahead in the game
The black and white beast I shall now tame!<<<<<<<<<<<<<<amazing, love this line

A really amazing poem but you need to edit it and correct the errors then it will be fantastic Keep up the writing

What do you think?

Im the best

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PrincessOfDarkness

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Points 1352

Reviews 42

Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:26 pm

PrincessOfDarkness says... · Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:26 pm

I think you need to add pauses and full stops in, but other than that it was awesome! I love the fact in turned out to be foodball in the end.

One tip though:

Spoiler

Keep It Up!

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tigershark17

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Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:12 pm

tigershark17 says... · Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:12 pm

Hey! This is cool! Soccer? That was just awesome the way you kinda left us hanging and then hit us with it at the end. Great job; this was a really fun poem to read.

Behind every impossible achievement is a dreamer of impossible dreams.
--Robert Greenleaf

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TylynRae

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Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:28 pm

TylynRae says... · Sun Jun 26, 2011 3:28 pm

This was really good. I liked how you described a soccerball as a beast. I had absolutely no idea what was going on and then BAM! The last line tied it together and it was really cool =] Nicely done.

TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)

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Blues

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Points 10840

Reviews 202

Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:01 pm

Blues says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:01 pm

Hi TheCodex,
You've probably read, but you've also been randomly chosen xD

Things I liked

My feet pound the grass

Ooh, that's a really good way to describe how you're running! Nice!

My heart hammers to a very fast beat

Same again, that was really interesting. I like how you seem to describe your heart as a drum... without saying it XD

I’m running, I’m sprinting, I’m right in the chase

Loved this a LOT!

I also like how the ball is 'the beast' XD It reminds me of Lord of the Flies actually...

Things to be improved

Not a lot...

The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat

I'm afraid I didn't really understand that...

[quote]The black and white beast I shall now tame!

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Blues

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Points 10840

Reviews 202

Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:05 pm

Blues says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:05 pm

Hi TheCodex,
You've probably read, but you've also been randomly chosen xD

Things I liked

My feet pound the grass

Ooh, that's a really good way to describe how you're running! Nice!

My heart hammers to a very fast beat

Same again, that was really interesting. I like how you seem to describe your heart as a drum... without saying it XD

I'm running, I'm sprinting, I'm right in the chase

Loved this a LOT!

I also like how the ball is 'the beast' XD It reminds me of Lord of the Flies actually...

I'm locked in a daring fight of the feet

An amazing way to describe ~~Football!~~ Soccer! (Football is ze British word for Soccer)

Things to be improved

Not a lot...

The sun drags me down with its unsightly heat

I'm afraid I didn't really understand that...

The black and white beast I shall now tame!

Ditto... didn't really understand this either

Overall
Overall, it's really short, but I like it! Just clarify the two bits I pointed out and it will be brilliant!

Keep Poem...ing!
Mac

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dolwright

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Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:44 pm

dolwright says... · Sun Aug 28, 2011 6:44 pm

" My feet pounds the grass under my cleats"; since the first rhyme word is in the plural, cleat should come in plural form too.
Good Writing, short but very well written.

'when I'm gone, my words will remain...
your word is a weapon, either of destruction or re-construction, whatever you make of it,
It's your choice.'

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