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Last edited by blackbird12 on Thu May 26, 2011 2:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Points 790
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Really pretty. But you need to capitalize.
May all your bacon BURN! ~Calcifer "Howl's Moving Castle"




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Gender Male
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This has a nice rhythm to it.

Keep it up!!!




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I took some pity in this posting when I noticed a concern for "lack of capitalization" which is completely dependent on personal discretion.

However, why did you like your own piece? Maybe a mis-click, but avoid that in the future. Leaves a bad taste in a reviewers mouth.

blackbird12 wrote:she wanders
when night disrobes to predawn,
a gown of waterlight undone
through the lagoon, trees knotted
as conjoined bodies,
vines dropped like arms
of the drowned.


First three lines work with your exterior/interior to body and gown/robe idea...slowly we get old skin shed and gain new veils. Ok. While "a gown of waterlight undone/ through the lagoon" sounds nice, it doesn't mean anything. The problem lies in undone, you're trying to make personification far too much without paying attention to the qualities of "gown", "waterlight" and "lagoon"; KISS my man. I see what you mean, I think, and you need to take a step back for the sake of helping the reader digest this.

The rest of this stanza does little for me however. It's cliche. I see this and feel like you put it in just because of your title. This is the problem of titling something after a myth/fable/story, you create expectations if you don't take creative liberties.

dreamcatchers draw through her hair
dark and loose as sundown,
the rhythm of aubades gathered
at her throat,
body broken in repose
as she kneels at lake’s edge.


Dreamcatchers? Where did this come from? Why are we mixing Native American and Mexican here? I don't see how this is a well connected transition (much less introduce that in the first line of a stanza, you're gutsy). Huh, followed by annoying alliteration, but you have good line breaks and the stanza certainly makes sense. The problem is I'm bored. And at the same time...is this really the spirit La Llorona?

white wrists of the waterlilies lift,
petals opened as small hands,
prayers of children hushed through trees
as light untethers from the earth,
halved like the bodies of lovers
at dawn,

and she departs.


Comma in the first line makes the second line read something awful, and then third starts off oddly because of this.

Right so the active present tense here...works I guess. Everything is constantly moving to the end, and then the ending is almost rushed and a let down. It's glaringly obvious. Expected. Making a poem on La Llorona? Very admirable, I hope all readers take the time to research her/it. Your description and narrative flow however, leaves something to be desired. The note about lovers at dawn...is well, leaves nothing to the imagination. I feel like you're painting and guiding my hand as if you're devoted to just that and not providing a ground work I in hand, work with myself. Figure out your diction, metaphors, and narrative flow to carry more impact.



I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?
— Homer Simpson