Young Writers Society

Rough, written for a creative writing class at the community college I attend.

***

Allah Allah
My God I cry to you
From empty fields and homes
Dismembered, destroyed, desolated
Allah I cry to you
From hearts of lonely mothers
Souls of lonely fathers
Children chasing the soldiers in the streets
Begging for candy
Allah I cry
For all corners of the earth
Allah I cry for all man kind
Allah I weep
With every tear a prayer
Vengence, Allah, I pray
Vengence upon those who
In ignorance
Send boys to die in streets
Men to leave their babies behind
Women to subvert my reality
Oh Allah, vengence
And yet, I cry your patience
I weep compassion for those
Those in the world, my God
Who have learned to hate
Learned by unlearning
Learned by example to hate
That which is not of them
Allah Allah
Your will is absolute
And so my mind says
"Do not weep!"
My soul sings "All will be well!"
By my woman's heart
Stands alone
She cries for broken children
Lost homes
Culture stolen away
She cries for this torn country
Allah my heart weeps
And she will not stop
My God she will not stop
If they will not stop
She cannot stop
I am heavy Allah
With burdens of doubt
Oh Allah to hear you speak
What you mean
Allah Allah
My God I cry to you

...That was lovely. A beautiful prayer - poignantly expressed; as anything but a prayer it might seem strange, but it comes out so well, almost litany.

Thanks. It's beautiful.

Children chasing the soldiers in thee streets

I think that's a typo.

Oh Allah, vengecne <-- typo?
And yet, I cry your patience
I weep compassion for those
Those in the world, my God
Who have learned to hate
Learned by unlearning
Learned by example to hate
That which is not of them

This I especially loved...learned by unlearning...to hate.

I suppose it's really the sentiment that is so affecting. But I think you conveyed it well. The repetition, coming back to Allah, as a plea, very much balanced the whole. ...Though I'm not a poet, as such, myself.

Ameen, Khayriyyah..
This is beautiful..it made me want to cry.

Beautifully written poem/prayer. I like the repettion, as well as the learning by unlearning line. However, the Constant repetition of Allah seemed a little passe for me. I dunno, I seem to think that mentioning it every three lines or whatever is a bit excessive. After all, don't you think the Lord Almighty, the Merciful, the All-Knowing would know his own name?


And now onto content:all I have to say is this: Insha'allah.

this was great, i wanted to write somthing like this , somthing to show whats going on in the parts of the world that the news dosent cover. but when i tried it turned out to very , very bad .

I actually thought the repition of 'Allah' was a really good idea especially this poem being a prayer. This was beautifully written, and raised awareness of current situations. This also portrayed a range of emotions really well, and the poem/r prayer flowed really well.

Splitting this up into verses would make it look better, and I also really enjoyed this.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am glad to have been so well recieved. My professor did not like it so much.

I believe this is more suited in a prayer or chant than as a "poem". You seem to be overcome by emotion, sprouting sort of bland examples of horrible things about you in the world - focusing in on humanity. I implore you to stretch this range wider, to expand the poetic form. I loved the repetition of Allah's name.

Fantastic. Emotion was wonderfully expressed. Spaces would create a bigger impact though, use them, theyre quite effective.

Al-Hamdulelah. Im so glad that this was written. Its nice to know there are others who feel the same way as I do. Except for the female part, thats beyond me. But the emotion, I very much feel.

Good, good: there are just a couple of things.

It needs punctuation if it's honestly going to be a poem - when you read it out loud (especially considering it's a prayer) there will be natural pauses for breath: for a person reading it, half of the feel of the poem (and this is a very 'feeling' poem) is based on where the pauses come. Get in some commas, colons, semi-colons and the like. Make it a real prayer, down to the pauses and spaces for reflection; a prayer should never be rushed.
In the same line, you don't need to capitalise every line - only the ones that start sentances, if you want.

For content, there's not a lot I can say - it is a litany, as the Imp said - its power is rhythm, and it wants a thumping beat behind it, it wants lines all the same length, a meter that brings the reader around in circles, for example:

The Assyrian came down like the wolf on the fold,
And his cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold;
And the sheen of their spears was like stars on the sea,
When the blue wave rolls nightly on the Galilee.

That's from The Destruction of Sennacherib by Byron - do you see how the rhythm works in his favour? da-da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA-da-da-DA, it's a real thumping meter - you need to get something like that going, to really sweep the reader off their feet.

"Oh my Allah your people they throng by the gate,
and they learn by example and tutor in hate;
the defiance of peace and destruction of love
ring your children in flames and dismember the doves."

That's just a thrown together set, and it hasn't got the passion of your piece, but do you see how it works? Read with speed and fire, it has a meter and beat that's practically a whirlwind; get people caught up, because that's what a passionate prayer should do.

You've got a good start, and you've got the raw emotion and imagery that's needed, but I think you can seriously improve it by getting a bit more technical - think about how it's read, think about where you pause - always, always think about how it sounds out loud.

Good piece, Khay - love to see you redraft it.

Very beautiful. It's got a lot of passion in it. And honestly, creative writing teachers are frequently big idiots when it comes to writing that is directly from the heart. They want to see you use the techniques and methods they are teaching, not something that means something to the author. Heck, I once heard an author speak who said that his teacher in university said that he would not make it and his first book was not only a bestseller, but won an award.

He said it was 'terrorist rhetoric'. Some people refuse to take others into their hearts.

In that case it was racism, and any opinions he has about your work on this subject matter is probably not worth while unless it's about style or your use of techniques. An opinion like that one doesn't mean he didn't like the writing. It means the subject matter was a problem for him.

PUUURDY INTERESTIN...
can i ask what your picture is of?