Don't Stop

**Old Version**

When I see your name in the top five, I can’t help but smile for
I know that’s where it belongs.
Quickly I click upon the title you’ve chosen as I realize
my lungs are burning.
Your voice begins to whisper the words my eyes are reading;
I let my breath go.
In awe I stare as your whispering fades away.

**Edited Version**

With every word you write,
you enable me to understand.
I'm brought up close,
as if I had been there firsthand.
My sight begins to sharpen,
as you create a picture for me to see.
Letter by letter you change
my perception of reality.
Your voice begins to echo inside my head,
bringing to life what you have to say.

-- Is it better or worse? [In your opinion of course.]

I think you may have to give a bit more infomation.. I dont know what your trying to convey in this=\
Rhythm seems a little off too.. maybe try: (though this is just a suggestion, someone else could probably do better:P)

When I see your name
up there in the top five
I can’t help but smile, for
I know that is where it belongs.
or..
When I see your name up there in the top five
I can’t help but smile, for I know that’s where it belongs.


Quickly I click
upon the title you’ve chosen
as I realize my lungs are burning.
I dont get this bit.. and burning doesnt seem to fit, but if this is the word that suits the message of the peom keep it, or maybe re-arrage it a little
Your voice begins to whisper
the words my eyes are reading;
I let my breath go.
In awe I stare as your whispering
fades away...
You've already used whisper, try a different word:)

Actually, I just re-read you peom, and now that I've gone over it a bit I can see the: long line, short line, pause, long line, short line, pause, pattern you have going. Sorry I didn't see that before. I kind of like it, though it does need some work.
Keep at it!
-Layla Flame

I think this is the first time I’ve seen (or at least reviewed) a poem about the featured section! At the very core, you have a sense of adoration for whomever you’re addressing (and the anonymity is a good thing), but it verges also on a sense of desperation when you talk about lungs burning and awestruck stares. Either way, you’ve got something beautiful described here, even though it’s a very basic thing, and that’s very good poetry. Now, it sounds like you want to expand, so that’s what I’ll talk about.

If you really want to take this further, then you could consider this one aspect of why you adore a single person/writer. You could expand by saying what else you find appealing about their writing or persona or whatever you’d like to say, but I’m not so sure that’d be the best idea.

In fact, I like this as it is. It’s certainly a poem—about that you should have no doubt. However, with the idea of expansion out of the way, consider mopping up a bit of mess here and there, yeah? Let’s take a look in a quote box.

When I see your name up there in the top five I can’t help but smile for

This opening line isn’t very fluid or descriptive. In fact, it takes the entire poem to know what you’re talking about here. At first, I imagined it to be about an athlete! I want to suggest taking out “up there”, and adding a comma after “five”. It’ll look like:

When I see your name in the top five, I can’t help but smile for

Along that same line, I want to make you a challenge! While you’ve got some pretty phrasing here, (lungs are burning / whispers fade away) they don’t quite cover the poem! That leaves the majority of it feeling prosaic. That’s easily fixed by addressing your ideas for what they’re worth. Imagine how to say these things to someone beautifully. You’ve proven that you can do it, and I want to see it.

That’s all I have for now, but you’re more than welcome to ask questions if you want! Have an awesome day~

-Lumi