Woman

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laylaflame
Gender Female
Points 2209
Reviews 39
Mon May 23, 2011 12:24 pm
laylaflame says... · Mon May 23, 2011 12:24 pm
Spoiler
True i didn't really put much thought into this, but I did have meaning behind my words. This peom is from the perpective of not just one woman but the spirit of women from the begining of time. Let me explain a few bits:)
(Note: they = men)
'A creature of mystery
is what they call me.' -this is talking about how woman are perceived as 'mysterious', kind of like of men never know what were thinking.
'Though times have aged me,
challenged, and fit me' -maybe 'fit' wasn't the best word, but what im trying to convey is how womans bodies and what is considered beautiful has changed and been challenged. Example; different fashions, corsets, ect.
'My eyes still hypnotize
there unseen souls.' -that men are always thinking of women.
'My teeth plunge deep
into their bones.' -that their bodies also are effected.
'I am the same, -that no matter how much times change, the core and soul of me stay the same.
strong by nature, -natural strength, mentally and physically (example: having babies:P)
passionate for more." -passionate for more of life in general
A creature of mystery
is what they call me.
A creature of beauty
is what they see.
Though times have aged me,
challenged, and fit me,
my eyes still hypnotize
their unseen souls.

I am the same,
strong by nature,
passionate for more.
My teeth plunge deep
into their bones.
A creature of mystery
is what they called me.
A woman, is what I am.
Last edited by laylaflame on Tue May 24, 2011 2:53 am, edited 6 times in total.
“Love is the answer
At least, for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here and where do we go
And how come it's so hard”
― Jack Johnson
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Caerulean
Gender Male
Points 9616
Reviews 263
Mon May 23, 2011 4:13 pm
Caerulean says... · Mon May 23, 2011 4:13 pm
Hello there. :)

Nitpicks:

A creature of mystery,

- I don't think the comma after 'mystery' is necessary. The separation of the lines, in my opinion, already create pause.

A creature of beauty,

- Same thing about the comma

challenged, and fit me,

- I don't get what you meant with 'fit' here.

my eyes still hypnotize,

- Remove the comma.

I am the same,
strong by nature,
passionate for more.

- I think it should be a hyphen after 'same'.
- I don't get the use of 'by' in 'strong by nature'.
- What exactly is she passionate for more? It seems vague.

My teeth pludge deep,

- Did you mean 'plunge'?
- Remove the comma.

A creature of mystery,

- Remove the comma.
- Also, I don't get what's so mysterious about her.

A woman, is what I am.

- Remove the comma.
- Also, this feels like a weak ending.

- - - - - - -

I don't think I like this poem. I don't dislike it either. I just think that it needs a bit more polishing. Nevertheless, I like the rhyming and the style in which you described the persona. :) I also like the simplicity of the poem.

Never stop writing! :)
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring
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SarahK
Gender Female
Points 1143
Reviews 6
Mon May 23, 2011 4:34 pm
SarahK says... · Mon May 23, 2011 4:34 pm
Well, I get the idea, but YOU didn’t quite get it. You really need to read over everything. If one thing doesn’t fit, well, take it out. Every word, phrase, and sentence should keep the same flow. I loved it; don’t get me wrong, its just it could have been a lot better. It seemed like you had an idea, you just did have enough words or phrases. You need to review and re-write. Good luck!
Sarah K.
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dante93
Gender Male
Points 5889
Reviews 111
Mon May 23, 2011 4:50 pm
dante93 says... · Mon May 23, 2011 4:50 pm
This poem was interesting, though the delivery was a bit so-so. As said before I understand the idea, but it seems as though the idea was not expanded enough. I know women are creatures of mystery, but I want to know why. Why do your eyes hypnotize? What makes your presence so mesmerizing? What does it tell me about myself? are questions you should ask yourself when writing a poem with this lofty theme.
-Dante93
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mellophone7
Gender Female
Points 1617
Reviews 112
Tue May 24, 2011 1:22 am
mellophone7 says... · Tue May 24, 2011 1:22 am
I like this. It's really good, although, I agree, you do need to expand on your ideas just a bit more. It was, like, you stated them, but just moved on, and didn't expand on them at all. It's a good start, though! Keep it up!
"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean." -Robert Louis Stevenson
"Write or die trying."
JA hatar pisanje.
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GiggleGremlin
Gender Female
Points 1704
Reviews 35
Tue May 24, 2011 3:26 am
GiggleGremlin says... · Tue May 24, 2011 3:26 am
THIS POEM IS AMAZING!!! I love your poems =) There always so different and cool and don't change it!! Because it is great!!! Its really meaningful and I like it when poems arn't so easy to understand right away. Its makes them more interesting and pro like yours =D I like - the times have aged me- bit the best =) It's not fair =( Your poems are always good.
BYE LAYLIEEEEEEEEE, you have to tell me when you write stuff so I can review them >:)
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MiRaCLeS
Gender Female
Points 14289
Reviews 232
Tue May 24, 2011 2:08 pm
MiRaCLeS says... · Tue May 24, 2011 2:08 pm
I'll have to repeat what you have said yourself here:
laylaflame wrote:challenged, and fit me,

When I first read it through, I didn't think it the way you intended it. I thought you mean 'fit' as in fitness and strength. I read the line as in a woman being more fit. But that wasn't what you were intending. So, can I suggest you to change the word to something else that better conveys your meaning? I just think that another word would do your meanings justice instead of 'fit'.

Tiny, tiny nit-pick:
laylaflame wrote:Though times have aged me,
challenged, and fit me,

I don't think that there needs to be two 'me's in those two lines. I think that you can cut off the first one. Although, this is me being really nit-picky.

I quite liked the poem, I'm not sure if this is how you intended the poem to be sent across, but, I liked how you presented women as a 'creature' it does make it woman seemed more alien-ish in the eyes of men. I also liked how you generalised the time frame, culture and such. It makes the woman kind seems more united and together. Overall, good job, I'd say. :)
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