Wings

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This is just something I came up with today cause I felt like writing, so... I wrote. So I'm sorry if it's terrible to read. I was also trying to practice on 'showing' instead of 'telling' so I could use some advice on how it turned out with that and how I can make it better with that. I still need to work on it a lot, I know. Anyway, this is just I guess what you would call Chapter one. It's kind of short for a chapter, but, like I said, I just came up with it today, so I'll have to expand the idea later. Anyway, I would really appreciate reviews cause I really want to improve my writing. Thanks everyone :)





Exhilaration swept through her core as the blanket of dark clouds blurred, becoming nothing more than a streak of gray. Everything around her was dismal, yet none of it could quench her excitement. At the speed she was going it was hard to make out anything clearly, but it didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was the wind through her hair and the powerful rhythm her wings beat out against the darkening sky. She was finally free.

A blaze of lightning crackled through the air close by and she could feel air tighten with tension. A deafening roar ripped through the silence to accompany the lightning, one always trying to outdo the other.

The wind grew stronger and caught beneath her wings, carrying her higher. She looked down to observe the scene below her, but she was too high now to see anything but clouds. The rest of the world couldn’t touch her.

She zipped forward with amazing speed, preparing to make a dive when a sudden jolt of pain ripped through her shoulders, spreading through her wings and rendering them useless. It felt like her wings were being torn from her back. She cried out and thrashed about, attempting to stay airborne, but it was no use; she was falling.

Drops of blood floated upward, and at last she saw her wings as they were tossed upward in the wind. Pure black feathers coated the limp appendages that grew from her shoulders. She could feel wet sticky blood coming from their base as it made its way along her wings, soaking them in crimson. Turning her gaze back to the sky she extended a hand, grasping for what she knew she could no longer have. A tear escaped from her closed eyes, sliding off her cheek into the air, and finally joining with the blood stained sky.

It would all be over soon.

She plummeted through the forest of trees and hit the ground with a sickening thud. Another tear slid down her cheek as she gazed at the sky, a world away, one she would never grasp again. The ground was her prison. She could never return. She was Fallen.

A pool of blood seeped from beneath her, growing larger until it enveloped her tattered broken frame. Her blood stained wings lay useless beside her, a reminder of what she once had been. Still gazing at the sky, she let her eyes slowly slide shut, accepting her fate. A feeling of apprehension swept over her, overwhelming her senses. Something was coming.




Senn bolted upright, panting heavily and drenched with sweat. Her sheets were twisted around her thin frame and her pillows were gone. From what she could make out in the dark room they were strewn across the floor. She’d had another dream. Just like all the others. She’d been having dreams like that for almost three months now, always the same thing. But the end of the dream always seemed to escape her memory, just that feeling that something important would happen and then… nothing.

She wiped the tears that still lingered on her cheeks and swept away the dark hair plastered to her neck. Her back felt sore, but there was nothing there that suggested she had done anything to it during her dream. Her shoulders were as bare they had ever been. No wings.

There was no use trying to get back to sleep now, so she untangled herself from her bed and waited a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness. No light came from the horizon yet, but she could sense the dawn was not too far away. She made her way to the window by memory and fumbled with the latch until it opened. A soft early morning breeze came through, cooling her heated skin and soothing her pounding heart. She closed her eyes and let it ruffle her hair, trying to relive the sensation of flying. The subtle breeze just wasn’t enough, though, so she gave up trying and instead climbed out the window.

The house was made directly in the hollow of a tree, so climbing to one of its huge branches was not the concern on her mind. Her people liked to live in high places, and the upper levels of the colossal trees that grew there suited their purposes quiet well. For her, though, they had designed a special hollow of the tree much lower to the ground, a place she could climb down from without hurting herself. She hated the special treatment she had to have and insisted that she just live with her parents and make her own way down the tree, but they had refused. Supposedly it was for her safety, but she knew the truth. They were ashamed to have such a disgrace of a child, let alone live with her in the same hollow. She was handicapped in a way that was unheard of; she was a freak.

The branches that ran up the tree were fairly dense and of good size, so it was easy for her to reach the higher branches. It took her a while to get up high enough, but once she was there it was definitely worth the climb. The wind was much stronger there, and she could see the valley which their town was built upon. Most of the trees they lived in skirted the edges of the valley, but a few were hollowed deeper in the forest.

Several miles past the valley was more forest and beyond that was where the mist covered mountains lay shrouded in mystery. It was too dark to make out the mountains now, but she knew they were there. The gray sky let off little light and the stars were just beginning to fade, but it was enough for her to make out a figure against the dark sky. Edging closer to the base of the tree her figure blended with the darkness, out of view of any prying eye. She hadn’t thought anyone would be out this early.

The figure dashed by the tree she was perched in and it was enough for her to tell it was a male. His face wasn’t clear enough in the dim light to see who it was, though, but she could see his wings. His pure, white wings.
A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.
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Okay, so like vampires it seems that angels/demons are becoming cliche, and I really haven't had that much interest in reading the stuff. So, I was surprised that this actually grabbed my attention. There's a good quality to your writing that allows for a good balance, and even lacking much about the character's personality I think I like her. I'm curious about where this world will lead, so if you ever want reviews on the next chapters (this is a novel, right?) just let me know.
Keep writing,
~*StoryWeaver
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Ominous! I liked it, heh heh. I mean I wasn't sure what exactly was falling and then when she woke up, I'm like oh, it's a human who was an angel and something tragic happened, but then she goes outside and there are other's with wings, so it's not that either. It definitely has lots of potential to become a very intriguing story, and I like the mystery shrouding everything so far. You paint quite the picture, keep up the good work and keep me posted.
~DakotaKnight
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Why hello there! Alright so I like this and I think you've done a great job at showing rather than telling. The descriptions were nice, though they had a slight 19th century feel to them at times in that they were slow and landscapey but certainly getting there! You can keep those for the quieter scenes but need to spice them up when you're dealing with some action. For example, they worked nicely in the second part of this but slowed down the first part too much. Here's a few specific comments and then we'll get to some more general advice:

Exhilaration swept through her core as the blanket of dark clouds blurred, becoming nothing more than a streak of gray. Everything around her was dismal, yet none of it could quench her excitement. At the speed she was going it was hard to make out anything clearly, but it didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was the wind through her hair and the powerful rhythm her wings beat out against the darkening sky. She was finally free. [Alright we'll start here with some description lessons. So what you've got would be great except that it doesn't build enough of the right atmosphere. This is an action scene. The descriptions need to reflect that and need to reinforce the emotions your character is feeling, they need to show her excitement and show her speed. At the moment it feels much more like she's taking a leisurely walk :p One trick is to mix the long, descriptive sentences up with some short, snappy ones. Here's an example of some fast paced description that says what you have but in a more reflective way:

She was fast. She was so fast that the blanket of dark clouds around her blurred into a single, grey entity; a streak of paint across the canvas. It was a dismal and monotonous sky but she didn't care. No. It didn't matter. She was happy not seeing anything at all, just hearing the fresh, powerful beat of the wings on her back tolling out the message to all who would hear. She was free. And she was going to stay that way. ]


A blaze of lightning crackled through the air close by and she could feel the air tighten with tension. A deafening roar ripped through the silence to accompany the lightning, one always trying to outdo the other.

At the part where she loses her wings you lost me a little. I'd love to see her thoughts on the matter. What has happened? What does she think has happened? Just a glimpse into what she's thinking at the time would really help the audience out. I thought mayeb she's been struck by lightning or whoever she's escaping from or whatever has taken her wings, some powerful, god-like figure. I don't know. It just left me curious. In a kind of good way so don't explain it but give us a hint, some sort of clue to be turning over in our minds.

Drops of blood floated upward, and at last she saw her wings as they were tossed upward in the wind. Pure black [Now come on, you know that's a shabby description. Woot they're pure black! No. Think of what is pure black because not many things are and then either describe them as being like that or more black than that. Like, you could have, 'Feathers as black and glossy as a crow's' or 'Feather more black than the deepest emptiness of space'] feathers coated the limp appendages that grew from her shoulders. She could feel wet sticky blood coming from their base as it made its way along her wings, soaking them in crimson. Turning her gaze back to the sky she extended a hand, grasping for what she knew she could no longer have. A tear escaped from her closed eyes, sliding off her cheek into the air, and finally joining with the blood stained sky.

The house was made directly in the hollow of a tree, so climbing to one of its huge branches was not the concern on her mind. [This sentence didn't really make sense to me. Even later. I kind of get what you're saying but don't at the same time. Also, if it's not a concern to her, then rather than say that, show it. If it's no concern to her she should just jump out there and grab it. It's when she is all concerned that she can go, argh big branch, oh noes! I don't think I can get to that! ;)] Her people liked to live in high places, and the upper levels of the colossal trees that grew there suited their purposes quiet well. For her, though, they had designed a special hollow of the tree much lower to the ground, a place she could climb down from without hurting herself. She hated the special treatment she had to have and insisted that she just live with her parents and make her own way down the tree, but they had refused. Supposedly it was for her safety, but she knew the truth. They were ashamed to have such a disgrace of a child, let alone live with her in the same hollow. She was handicapped in a way that was unheard of; she was a freak.

Plot

Just wanted to start by saying I really like this. I'm writing an angel story myself (Yeah I know but they're just that new thing in aren't they? I love how popular they've become over the last five years) and I think this start is nicely done. I like the twist that she lives amongst a winged people but the angel references there really add to this and keep us guessing. It's a good level of intrigue to have so early in the story.

Character

I think she's alright. Not too well defined yet but that's no worry as you're so little of the way in. Just remember to keep showing us her emotions as that's often what binds a reader to a character, being able to follow exactly how they're feeling and to understand and empathise with that.

Descriptions

You're getting there! A nice awareness that there are other senses outside of vision and there's much less telling in this than some of your earlier pieces so you should give yourself a big pat on the back. As I said before, it could use some work as you need to vary your style to create different atmospheres but you're doing good.

Overall

I've not much more to say about this so far. I don't think there's anything major that needs changing and I'd be interested to see where you go with it. It might be an idea to make that first section a 'chapter' all on its own, extend it and turn it into a sort of prologue maybe? Now some people are really against those but I love them. Prologues are great for placing something in there that's an insight to the whole story but seperate at the same time. Anyway, it's something to think about.

Well I'll see you around. Drop me a PM if you've got any questions or want me to review any more of this you decide to write. I'm sure you know the drill by now xD

Heather xxx
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Hi, I'll be reviewing this for you today!

I know you requested a review from me some time ago but I was only able to get to it right now, I'm sorry. Also, you've got some great reviews already so I don't think this is going to be very helpful at all. But I'll give it shot. ;)

Okay, if we start with the first paragraph I thought it was a bit of a heavy paragraph to start off. Granted it was written well besides the last couple lines which I felt were kind of forced. The dream was written well too and the focus of it was easy to understand so big ups for not making it super complicated to the fact that readers might get confused.

My other concern with this is probably the whole middle part of her climbing down the tree. Firstly, I thought it was pretty interesting that she lived in a hallow of a tree, gave off that great traditional fantasy feel if you know what I mean and did capture my attention. However the middle did feel a bit plugged and draggy in areas and I found myself not really interested in what was going on. When you mentioned she was a bit of freak I felt like this was going to be another one of those cliche characters who has nothing and no friends but bumps into a magical awesome dude and yadda, yadda.
So those were my first thoughts but hopefully this character has her own quirks about her that make her stand above that. I won't judge her right now since it's only the beginning but look at this as a warning and don't make her go down that same path that a lot of other characters go through.

Overall, the piece has a strong beginning, a middle that needs some more charm and reconstruction + speed and the ending which is a bit cliche but has enough curiosity that the reader will turn the page just to real a little more about this and wonder if they'll like it or not. So, all in all it's pretty decent but given a little more attention it can be even better.

Keep working and let me know if you have any other questions. I'll be happy to answer them. ^^

-Shear
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Well, I'm new and not so experienced with things here or writing in general. So I might not be very helpful. I really liked your story, not just because I've always had a thing for winged people, but also the way it was written. I liked how it started off in an action scene, it caught my attention and kept me reading further to find out what was going on.

The rest of the world couldn’t touch her.


I really liked this line.

Drops of blood floated upward, and at last she saw her wings as they were tossed upward in the wind.


Well, this one didn't make sense to me at first. It sounded like her wings had been ripped off and she saw them spiraling away above her or something. But the sentences afterwards cleared it up for me, so I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Um... well, that's all for now. Sorry it was short. Hopefully I'll get better at doing this. Overall I enjoyed your story and can't wait to read more.

<..> Kat
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits..
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
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I really liked this piece, It has great potential of becoming an awesome story! Everything I saw that I had questions about, or needed changing someone already pointed out, so good luck, and keep up the great work!
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

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Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
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I really liked this! I love your description of the dream. There were some parts that confused me, but that happens a lot in first chapters... I'm guessing it will all clear up later? :D

I don't really have anything else to say except that I loved it! I can't wait to read more!
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A blaze of lightning crackled through the air close by and she could feel air tighten with tension.
You use air twice in one sentence!
She could feel wet sticky blood coming from their base as it made its way along her wings, soaking them to a dark crimson.
You could add how she feels about her wings being bloodied and the pain. Is she terrified that she's falling? How did she get shot (or whatever happened to her) anyways? Is she disappointed that she's gonna die? Elaborate darling!
She plummeted through the forest of trees and hit the ground with a sickening thud. Another tear slid down her cheek as she gazed at the sky, a world away, one she would never grasp again. The ground was her prison. She could never return. She was Fallen.
Again, elaborate! Sure, she's sad, but she's gotta be in pain too, right?!
Her blood-stained wings lay useless beside her, a reminder of what she once had been.

Something was coming.
This is a kind of awkward sentence for the end of this paragraph... It doesn't really fit in with the idea you were trying to write.

Hm... Interesting story. I don't really get the point you're trying to get across and your character could use some development. Otherwise, good job. ;)

Keep writing,
Alzora
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Angels are becoming more and more popular these days, but the mood and style of this somehow seems to overcome that staleness. I adored this piece - the name 'Wings' originally caught my attention (I love one-word names), and then the jump-right-in beginning kept me going.
I thought the small amount of elaboration in the dream was good - it made the whole thing feel more dream-like and ... (I'm struggling to find a good word) movie-like, I guess. The long, poetic sentences also got that mood going. I also didn't think this sounded very 19-century-style. It seemed like a good mix of modern and classic to me.
However, I do agree with previous comments that stating that the big branch wasn't a big deal was a little unnecessary - I would have had the character climb the branches and then stated it wasn't a big deal, or not mentioned it at all.
Other than that, though, I can't find anything wrong with this. I love it - keep writing!
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Im not trying to put anything down but there is already a book called Wings and its really good. and I think this is really good too, keep on writing! ^-^

~Jo
Last edited by jolene on Thu Jun 23, 2011 7:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I tend to review works without reading the other reviews first, so forgive me if I repeat anything said above.

Storyline/Plot
Angels, flying humans and birdmen are becoming the new vampires. That is, this seems to developing into the typical pop genre novel that the functionally literate ooh and aah over at the bookstore. If you want to do the whole flying people thing, you have to make it different, take a unique angle on the concept. You did not do this. The dream scenario, the whole "Fallen-with-a-capital-F", freak amongst her own people makes it seem like yet another Maximum Ride knock off. If your aim is a captivating story of literary value, this isn't it. If you are looking to entertain the Twilight crowd, go right ahead.
The final scene - hot guy with white wings - come on! You can be more creative than that. This doesn't have to be another supernatural teen drama, we've got enough of those.

Characters
You have only one character of any depth here, but I don't think you did a very good job of exploring her personality. She seems like a typical Mary Sue personality (look it up). All I'm getting from her is "Aww, I had a bad dream. Boohoo, everyone thinks I'm a useless disabled freak. Ooh, hot guy!" Not really a character of any depth or literary merit. Give her some real personality flaws and an actual brain and make her personality three dimensional.

Use of literary devices and grammar
This wasn't too bad. Other than a few errors (quiet vs. quite), punctuation and spellings were accurate. As for imagery, it was pretty good. You can describe things well and create an atmosphere, so use that ability to good effect. It was a little over-descriptive at times, and made me yawn, but maybe that's your style.
A lie can run around the world before the truth has got its boots on.
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Si non confectus, non recifiat - If it ain't broken, don't fix it.




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So I'm sorry if it's terrible to read.


Ohmygoshno! No way was this wonderful prose terrible to read! In fact, I do believe this is the best thing I've read all day. This is awesome, and I really loved the imagery. The single problem I found was a few missing commas, but if you read it aloud you'll find those.

All in all, this was awesome. It was really attention-grabbing. I really want to know more about Senn and her life! This made me really curious; you have a lot of talent if you say this is terrible. Woowwwwww.... :) <3




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Wow! If you write this idea into a book, I would definitely read it! Very interesting plot idea so far! I don't see any grammatical errors that weren't already addressed. The only comment I have is that the transition to the tree is a little rough, you may want to work on adding a few sentences of description there.

Good luck!

Sage
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