Father

When I’m crashing down
Falling fast
Please help me back
To the ground

Don’t turn away
When I cry
Because you know
I’m crying for you

And don’t love me less
Because I am not trying hard enough
To let you be happy

You tore me down
Pushed me of the edge
And now I expect
You to bring me back

Father don’t be mad
Your fists hurt bad
And I want us to be
A family again

I know it’s my fault
For making you like this
But please love me
Like a father should love his daughter

And smile with me
The bruises fade
My love remains
I stand by you
As you’ll stand by me

I wrote this early one morning when I was upset about my dad.
Please review and thank you

Wow, this was a really good poem. It deals with a conflict that i think a lot of kids feel with their parents. It's kind of a love hate relationship. I know there are times when i want to run away because i get so mad with my mom because i don't think she understands me; at the same time, i don't think i would have made it this far without her. It's a really universal topic that a lot of people can relate to but not a lot of people write about it, so it's not overused. Bravo again, it was a really good read.

Wow, this was brilliant. I can relate to this a lot. When I mean a lot, I mean I seriously felt as though I could have written this.

I don't want to critique this because the material makes me terribly sad. The only thing I really, really have to say (and I feel horrible for doing so) is 'mad//bad' are first grade words. I know you were trying to rhyme so this is slightly acceptable.

I really like this.

Keep writing,
TLM

Wow, this was brilliant. I can relate to this a lot. When I mean a lot, I mean I seriously felt as though I could have written this.

I don't want to critique this because the material makes me terribly sad. The only thing I really, really have to say (and I feel horrible for doing so) is 'mad//bad' are first grade words. I know you were trying to rhyme so this is slightly acceptable.

I really like this.

Keep writing,
TLM

Thanks a lot to those who read this. It took me a while to get the courage to put it on YWS but I just needed to get it out. It means a lot to me that you liked it.

It absolutely is wonderful, and the expression and tone of it? Well, how I should put this, PERFECT! I could really feel your pain, then again maybe it was your love, and they both hurt.

I did not really like this poem. It is actually kind of comical to me. Not theme mind you, but the delivery. It sounds to me like there is nothing more than a whiny person pleading for something here. The tone is quite pathetic and I didn't really feel the emotion. Besides that, the lack of punctuation, and spelling errors further made me dislike this poem.

For example:

When I’m crashing down
Falling fast
Please help me back
To the ground

This doesn't even make sense. You do realize that if you are crashing down, you go towards the ground. This makes it sound like you want your father to hurt you more. The flow is off as well. I think you should add commas in some places to create a better flow, or just delete this stanza.

And don’t love me less
Because I am not trying hard enough
To let you be happy

You tore me down
Pushed me of the edge
And now I expect
You to bring me back

These two stanzas are not that great either. It turns from worry, to sorrow, to command. It is weird and there is no transition to effectively display the emotion. The highlighted line in particular is weird given the overall theme. A father who is abusive, and broken in his own right is not to be expected to bring you back from the edge, because he sent there.

Overall this poem was disappointing. A good theme to explore, but delivery was not grand. It was somewhat mediocre. i don't mean to be mean, or rude, but that is my opinion.

I like that you are honest with me i will keep this in mind next time thanks

So sad but I liked it. good job writing this poem , its so inspiring to many young people out there besides us.

Hey,

Green is stuff I like. Red is comments. Blue is stuff I'm commenting on.

kcglitter wrote:
When I’m crashing down
Falling fast
Please help me back
To the ground

This either can be taken as redundant or a witty sort of comment. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that it was that witty thing. Good job with that.

Don’t turn away
When I cry
Because you know
I’m crying for you

Makes me think that this is another relationship sort of thing but the title is 'Father' so I'm assuming she's speaking of her father. I don't know how I feel about this. It comes across as just words, with no real meaning or emotion in it.

And don’t love me less
Because I am not trying hard enough
To let you be happy

The flow is broken here with only three lines and I'm not sure what you are trying to say in these three lines. It really seems like the character your MC is talking to would be a boyfriend of some sort.

You tore me down
Pushed me of the edge
And now I expect
You to bring me back

Why would your MC have faith in this man who pushed her/him down and obviously hurt him/her? Why would this MC demand anything from his/her tormenter? It doesn't make much sense.

Father don’t be mad
Your fists hurt bad
And I want us to be
a family again

The rhyme shoots us into a different flow and sounds awkward because it is a very simple rhyme. The vocabulary could be better. I like the last two lines though.

I know it’s my fault
For making you like this
But please love me
Like a father should love his daughter

This sounds extremely awkward. Are you implying that the father rapes the MC?

And smile with me
The bruises fade
My love remains
I stand by you
As you’ll stand by me

Your character is very forgiving of her "father" and seems to be a super-victim. I think you meant to imply that the father was raping the MC and that she is naive and innocent and would forgive her father anything. I think that was a good way to improve the somewhat cliche story incorporated into this poem.

I wrote this early one morning when I was upset about my dad.
Please review and thank you

Ohhhhh. This is about you? If your father is hitting you, then you shouldn't stand for it. That's child abuse and it's illegal in most countries. Regardless, the vocabulary that you use is elementary and the imagery is non-existent. You need to dig deeper and show us the images in your mind then find the right words to describe it. Thesaraus.com is a great resource to find more interesting sounding words to describe anger, pain, love and other emotions.

Grade: C+

If you have any questions or want another review, PM me.

~jas