HON: DELETED CHAPTER

Hi guys! This chapter is no longer part of Holding On To Nothing. . . I didn't like how it fit. Thank you.

Chapter One: Wondering If You Knew

"Someday, you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen," Alissa said, as we strode through brightly lit stores in search of clothes that would mold around my new, thinner frame. John should know what he's missing, Alissa had insisted, grabbing my hand and dragging me into the cluttered mall as I protested loudly.

I glared at her irritably. "Shut up, Ghandi," I told her heatedly, not meaning the words to sound as harsh as they did. Alissa appeared wounded for a second, but then recovered quickly. She held up a pleated gray skirt, scanning it adoringly as if it was a child rather than an item of clothing. At fifteen, Alissa was absorbed in the world of fashion, something I could never come to understand.

Alissa held it up to my waist, nodding excitedly. "Perfect, Reece," She assured me, eying my body with unhidden disgust. "Jeez, eat a cheeseburger, please." I shoved my palms into her back, causing her to stumble forward. "Jerk," Alissa mumbled under breath, then forced the skirt into my arms.

"Go try it on," Alissa encouraged, "go look beautiful, Cece."

****
I first met John in third period advanced-placement biology, the first day of junior year. Our names stood by each other in the alphabet, so we were forced to share a smooth black desk. My best friend sat in the back row with the T's and S's, and she shot me a look filled with jealousy, pointing to the boy next to me. I glanced curiously at him, surprised to find he was as attractive as the sun was bright on that September day.

"Hello," He said, his voice tinged with a slight accent I could not place. I thought he would be nice, until he added with a knowing smirk, "Like what you see, do you?" With this, he turned around to face my best friend Raleigh, waved at her, and faced me once more.

I blinked back my surprise. "Excuse me?"

He shrugged, then held out his hand. "I'm John." I stared at his outstretched hand as if it was on fire. Seeing this, John stated evenly, "You're supposed to shake it."

I slipped my hand in his and shook it twice, withdrawing my arm quickly. "I'm Reece."

"That's a cool name," John noted, smiling at me with shining white teeth. His dark chocolate eyes stared into my own, my heart transforming into goo the longer he did so.

"Thanks, I guess." I shrugged, although my heart was racing intensely. I zeroed in on Mr. Bishop, trying to focus on his bland words rather than make a fool out of myself.

"So I don't suppose you'd want to show me around school later, would you?" John asked later during the class, throwing the sentence out into our shared silence.

I shifted in my plastic, green seat. John winked at me before saying, "The answer is yes, then?"
****

After I pulled the skirt over my legs, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. To my utter disbelief, it was actually decent, fitting me correctly unlike the baggy jeans I had been wearing before. I drank in my appearance, liking that I looked halfway okay rather than sickly thin and depressed.

"Reece?" Alissa called through the locked door, worry apparent in her voice.

"Lissy?" I answered, unlatching the door and wrapping my arms around her. Alissa embraced me back, and we held each other. "I love you, okay? I'm sorry for being terrible." My voice was muffled and cracked on the word 'terrible'.

"I love you too, Cece." Alissa replied, then stepped away from me. "You look wonderful," She added, and I noticed the tears welling in her eyes.

"Don't cry," I replied, then smiled for the first time in a month. "I'm fine," I said, and I truly meant it.

****

My first day back as 'normal' Reece, my sister assisted me in dressing and applying make up. She was insistent in her task to completely makeover my life. If there was one thing I knew about Alissa, it was that she loved a nice project.

She clamped my gold-blonde hair in the straightener near my roots, slid it down, and repeated this process until it was stick thin. After this, Alissa smoothed out the few bumps on my face with concealer, causing them to disappear. My lips were glossed, my lashes lengthened, and my eyelids shadowed with light, 'fun' makeup.

"You look gorgeous," Alissa kept saying, forcing me to wear an insanely matching outfit that she had chosen. I wore the pleated skirt, a pale pink button up, and simple jewelry paired with pink flats. It wasn't something I would have chosen, but Alissa knew best.

I climbed into my car, feeling like a new person which was a horrible cliche that I hated. It was true though, there was a definite freshness enveloping me. Pulling out of our driveway, there was something so surreal about driving to school like I had before John and I had broken up. Then, things were not perfect, but they were, for lack of better words, comfortable.

I arrived in the school parking lot and inched into an empty spot. Hesitantly, I opened my car door and clambered out awkwardly. Nervousness flooded over me with a harsh intensity. Slamming the door shut a little too loudly, I felt someone's eyes on me.

"Reece?" A familiar voice called and my heart sank. Oh no.

****
I hate to leave you hanging, I'm sorry! Also, if you think you know who the mysterious voice is, you're definitely incorrect, so don't assume I'm a total cliche . Thanks for reading!

Good characterization! I already know a ton about Reece and Alissa's relationship. I liked the flashback too, it was put in the perfect place. I could almost see it in my head like a movie flashback. You put in just enough information to give your audience a basic jist of what was going on, but kept enough hidden to keep them enthralled. A little cliche, but I'm betting you'll surprise me...

"Someday, you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen,"

Hmm, the mysterious opener definitely has an effect, but I think it's a bit cheesy as vague as it is. I think it should probably be more colloquial and less formal, so as not to sound so prophetic and heavy.

I glared at her irritably. "Shut up, Ghandi," I told her heatedly, not meaning the words to sound as harsh as they did. Alissa appeared wounded for a second, but then recovered quickly. She held up a pleated gray skirt, scanning it adoringly as if it were a child rather than an item of clothing. At fifteen, Alissa was absorbed in the world of fashion, something I could never come to understand.

It's a bit awkward as it is, with the long description after "I told her heatedly". You should definitely try more of "showing" rather than "telling" so it has more impact. The movements and the reactions of the characters seem rather robotic and over explicated when a more concise description would do. Also, it's unclear whether Alissa is currently 15, or whether she had been absorbed in the world of fashion since she was 15. If it is that she is currently 15, then the "at fifteen" is out of place. You would have a phrase like that if it were abnormal for her to be obsessed with fashion at 15.

Alissa held it up to my waist, nodding excitedly. "Perfect, Reece," She assured me, eying my body with unhidden disgust. "Jeez, eat a cheeseburger, please." I shoved my palms into her back, causing her to stumble forward. "Jerk," Alissa mumbled under breath, then forced the skirt into my arms.

The first part of this is all around awkward because Alissa's emotions seem to be sequential. She is excited, then she is disgusted a sentence later. I think you should try to make it a bit more human in this case by making there be a bit more transition between excitement and disgust, or just cut out one of them. As it is, Alissa's beginning to be robotic again, and so is Reece. You'd think if someone was bipolar like that, finding clothes for you, then insulting you, you would say something, lash out with words. Try and picture yourself in your character's shoes. =)
Also, could use some spacing to reduce ambiguity.

"Go try it on," Alissa encouraged, "go look beautiful, Cece."

Again, try and bridge emotions. If I were just pushed by someone, but wanted the best for them, I would, perhaps, be begrudging with my encouragement. Also, it's kind of weird how she calls her a skeleton and then calls her beautiful. Your character just seems unreal.

****
I first met John in third period advanced-placement biology, the first day of junior year. Our names stood by each other in the alphabet, so we were forced to share a smooth black desk. My best friend sat in the back row with the T's and S's, and she shot me a look filled with jealousy, pointing to the boy next to me. I glanced curiously at him, surprised to find he was as attractive as the sun was bright on that September day.

I love the first bit of exposition, but I think if you're going to have a first person narrator, you want her to sound a bit less formal. Like, most people just call it "AP Bio" instead of "advanced-placement biology". The narrator is going to be the lens through which we see this story, and you want her to be a fully fleshed-out character. Also, as poetic as the metaphor is, it's really awkward. I mean, normal people don't think that from a glance at someone.

"Hello," He said, his voice tinged with a slight accent I could not place. I thought he would be nice, until he added with a knowing smirk, "Like what you see, do you?" With this, he turned around to face my best friend Raleigh, waved at her, and faced me once more.

Well, I think you can use some of that poeticism you had in the previous block and use it to make his actions seem less robotic. Something like "for an instant, that wonderful smirk turned towards Raleigh as he gave her a cheeky wave..." (you probably shouldn't use anything I write, I'm just giving examples)

"That's a cool name," John noted, smiling at me with shining white teeth. His dark chocolate eyes stared into my own, my heart transforming into goo the longer he did so.

I loved their meeting until this point. The goo is a bit too much, personally.

"So I don't suppose you'd want to show me around school later, would you?" John asked later during the class, throwing the sentence out into our shared silence.

I shifted in my plastic, green seat. John winked at me before saying, "The answer is yes, then?"

Very nice. I like the way you're working in John's personality

After I pulled the skirt over my legs, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. To my utter disbelief, it was actually decent, fitting me correctly unlike the baggy jeans I had been wearing before. I drank in my appearance, liking that I looked halfway okay rather than sickly thin and depressed.

So, in this part, your narrator sounds a lot more like a teen in this passage, a lot more than she's sounded for some of the other parts. You'll really want to keep your narrator consistent

"Lissy?" I answered, unlatching the door and wrapping my arms around her. Alissa embraced me back, and we held each other. "I love you, okay? I'm sorry for being terrible." My voice was muffled and cracked on the word 'terrible'.

Awkward again

"I love you too, Cece." Alissa replied, then stepped away from me. "You look wonderful," She added, and I noticed the tears welling in her eyes.

This should really be 4 different sentences.

"You look gorgeous," Alissa kept saying, forcing me to wear an insanely matching outfit that she had chosen. I wore the pleated skirt, a pale pink button up, and simple jewelry paired with pink flats. I wouldn't have chosen it....

This part is very nicely done.

I climbed into my car, feeling like a new person which was a horrible cliche that I hated.

The wording's awkward.



You definitely had a lot of good parts in this, but it could use a lot of work. You definitely want to nail down the personalities of your characters so they can seem a bit more consistent in the way they talk and act. In the beginning of your novel, you want to show (and not tell) the audience the personalities of these characters, what makes them tick and how they act. You did that very well in some parts, except for some seeming inconsistencies in their actions. You'll want to definitely revise the actions of the characters so they seem to move and feel a lot more human than they portray. You want to make sure that you have a kind of balance between what the characters do and what the characters say. Make sure that what they do and say is something a reasonable person would do. You want your characters to be someone the reader can relate to, and if your characters act human, then it makes it a lot easier for them. Finally, you want to avoid some awkward wordings. My favorite way of catching these is just to read it out loud because sometimes in your head you won't catch things that your tongue trips over.
Overall, it seems like it's an interesting beginning. Definitely looking forward to reading more. =)