Hidden

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1396
Reviews 46
A Shadow, spreading and growing, behind your back. It stretches, corrupting a massive amount of creatures and places. It’s true entity flits from one place to another, hiding its true self. It feeds on lies, told and said, not able to be taken back. It grows bigger and stronger, the longer you are unaware. It creeps silently, staying hidden, yet creating catastrophe. Giving half-truths to anyone who will listen, it sows destruction. The Shadow feeds on the broken hopes and daydreams that have been scattered after the maiming. It threads above your head, preparing to catch its prey. Its trail is constructed of lies, poisoned with dark intents. Tempting, but do not follow, or your demise awaits. Run, away from the destruction, this is my advice. It keeps to the dark and does not let anyone see. Hides from the light, the things that will expose. You live your life, oblivious to the danger that you will soon endure. The darkness builds around, hiding the nature of the attack that will come. It digs a pit that you will fall into, according to its plan, a pit shrouded in darkness. Those with sharp eyes warn you of the impending danger, but you refuse their help and their advice. The worst decision that you could possibly make has just been made, with you guiding your own downfall.

The Tentacles spreading along the ground and under your feet. Right under the ground, just out of sight. They crawl around, barely leaving a trace. They feel your devotion, your weakness. Coil all around you, preventing you from escaping. They create a net, a net of false intentions, built by others. Their slimy touch is not a new experience, but all the same, you should not have to go through it again. It clings to you, how can you not realize its unfailing hold? It squeezes you, tightening the trap it has created. If you don’t hurry and understand the problem, you will be broken, dashed to pieces. Your life is in danger, so be careful and cautious. The Tentacles are intertwining between your legs and weaving up your body, snaring you and dooming you to failure. Beware the appearance, because it is fooling for the eyes, but inside, it is an overflowing cauldron of evil. The writhing tentacles have tied you up to the strangling point, and your heart flutters, but is pushed away, without remorse. The slithering of the Tentacles is surrounding you, filling your ears and drowning out all other noise. You are so fragile, you are broken without effort. Build up your strength, and then maybe next time, you will be wise and will not be caught so easily.
“If you don't think there is magic in writing, you probably won't write anything magical.”
- Terry Brooks




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 13307
Reviews 350
Hey, Xregion. You've got a nice story here, but it's not really 'Other Poetry'. Next time, be sure to choose the correct genre.
Also, it's quite a wall of daunting text. You should have it double-spaced.
Anyways, as to the story itself (not really a story, more like a descriptive piece) it's good, but it's too hard to concentrate on individual words when the whole is very confusing like that.
Correct it and I'll try for another review.
Jenth
-ж-Ж-ж-




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7386
Reviews 159
I agree with Jenth here only to a point. A quick read shows an attempt of some kind at a poetic voice, yes obviously, but it then drones on and on and on and on and on and on.

So what could we do with this piece as it is? Simply let it simmer and sit? No, I want you to take out articles. Take out conjunctions. Take out words and see what you have left.

Figure out what's necessary in a poem. Your everyday experience? Your life perspective? Do you present old romantic odes or do you go to neo classic nostalgia?

So, voice. So images. So, focus, controlled format that makes itself approachable.

This tantamount. This is the process to reassert yourself and try to edit this piece.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1456
Reviews 126
I looked at the brick wall of jumbled words after I expected to read a bunch of stanzas, and couldnt read it. PLEASE space it out, my brain can't comprehend solid walls of words.
Flightplan 49



Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus