Leaving

This is the first poem I've ever written... So I don't know if it's good or not. Lol. Well, Enjoy.

Leaving

Fear grows within my heart,
Knowing the you’ll be really far.
I lock eyes with you in a final glimpse,
To find out it'll only last as long as a Solar Eclipse.
Your hair flows along in the wind,
I think i see the world going dim.
You fade into the light,
While I fight and fight and fight.
I embrace you one last time,
I hope that you had a good time.
My heart shattered into billions of pieces,
As my love took over my body.
I turned your face towards me,
To see pain and misery.
A single tear shed down your face,
I wanted to hold you and feel your heart race.
You started to slip from my grasp,
I wish that this night could forever last.
You went aboard the plane,
Sharing my misery and pain.
You smiled one last time,
before you watched me die.
I love you now and forever,
So don’t be afraid to come back and be my Beloved.

I thought it was amazing, i love your writing style. For a first time writing poetry, you nailed it Keep up the good work

Hellow, Wesley! Nice poem you got here. Sad, but it's good. I noticed you kind of forced it to rhyme and sometime you repeated the same word in the same sentence, but as a begginer with poetry you did a good job. For the next one ('cause there should be a next one) have that in mind. I hope this review helps... somehow. xD

Now... I know, I know... you love Nitpicks:

LOL.

Jalmoc wrote:I think i see the world going dim.

=.= ...Every "I" should be uppercase if it's a pronoun, no matter where it's located.

Jalmoc wrote:You fade into the light,
While I fight and fight and fight.

I think saying fight so many times is... well, it kind of stops the poem and sounds more like a song. xD I would change for something like: "While I persistently fight." But that's just me.

Jalmoc wrote:So don’t be afraid to come back and be my Beloved

I don't think the first letter of "beloved" should be uppercase.

~Solvy <3

Wow! That's a really amazing poem!

I really liked this! I agree with Sol about the capitalization problems, but other than that I thought this was really good. Keep writing!

Cheers,
Luxe

Hey guys, I really appreciate the reviews!! The reason that the capitalization is off is because I wrote this from my iPad lol.

This was great for a first poem. At times, the rhymes seemed a little forced, and it interrupted the flow of syllables. Such as:

Jalmoc wrote:I embrace you one last time,
I hope that you had a good time.

You used the same word to rhyme with, and the syllables don't exactly match up.

Jalmoc wrote:I turned your face towards me,
To see pain and misery.

Maybe you might insert a "the" or "your" in the second line? It would flow a bit better.

Other than those very few errors, great job! Keep writing!

Howdy, Wesley!! First things first, great poem. I remember you typing this in English Honors. Anyways, I don't have anything to nit-pick about, so keep writing those amazing stories.