The Thirst

Where am ? Kat thought to herself. Well it's dark and cramped and my leg seems to be attached to something. A chain, I'm in a cellar, how? I can't remember a thing. Oh shit someone is coming, what do I do?

Kat closed her eyes and laid perfectly still. The dark figure in the distance was getting closer now, its a man. The man was dressed in all black, black boots, black jeans, black jacket add his eyes, his eyes were the most delightful black eyes Kat had ever lay eyes on, they were like black swirling blood that sent shivers up Kat's spine.

"Hello Katerina" said the figure.
"It's Kat and how do you know my name" Kat mumbled.
"Don't you remember me? He said teasingly

No but I would like to get to know you, Kat though flirtatiously

"Well you will I'm Zedrick" he said
"Zedrick that sounds familiar" Kat said

Zedrick opened the cellar door walked over to where Kat was standing gently picked up her hand and kissed it so lightly that you could hear the soft smooth passion.

"Nice to meet you Katerina" he replied
"Wait, a minute ago you replied to my though, how is that possible?" Kat realized
"You don%u2019t know, do you remember anything at all?"
"Remember what?" she asked worryingly
"What I am, what you are, what you pleaded to be" he said while smirking

Zedrick's smile would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand as straight as nails.
Kat was becoming worried. She had no idea what was going on then all of a sudden she was remembering something, she was staring deeply into his ring and a vision of him draining the blood of an innocent girl appeared in Kat's mind.

"You%u2019re a v..." she stuttered
"I'm a what?" Zedrick asked
"A vampire" she shouted

Zedrick started clapping sarcastically and then laughed under his breath.

"Very good Katerina, now what are you?" he asked
"Human" she said
"Erg wrong, remember I said you what you pleaded to be" he mocked
"I'm a vampire, I am not" she protested
"Yes you are, i should know i was the one you exchanged blood with because you wanted to be with me for eternity!" he claimed
"Who would want to be with you, your evil, you%u2019re a monster" she shouted.

Zedrick stormed out of the cellar and before she knew it he was away, Kats breathing became normal.

"Only if Sebastian was here" she cried
"Sebastian, it%u2019s all coming back i became a vampire to be with him for eternity"

Oh my Sebastian, tall, muscular, dreamy Sebastian, His whirling chocolate brown eyes. I can still remember when he would put his arms around me and kiss my neck so gently he was a vampire but he did not kill or drink humans%u2019 blood, Kat thought.

"I got to g..."she stopped

I forgot that Vampires have great hearing and can read thought if they are close enough and can get passed peoples auras, I%u2019m going to get out of here she thought to herself.

Kat stood up closed her eyes and tugged on the chain around her ankle and in disbelief it flew right off, she was becoming stronger the transition from human to vampire was almost over. Kat ran through the forest and after a mile or two of trees and grass stopped, she felt as if she was going in circles. There was a throbbing pain in her stomach and it was a thirst that was driving her insane. She noticed a group of girl scouts she just couldn't help herself the thirst for blood was going on for too long, her boy flung herself at them she grabbed them and they were all squealing she threw their necks back and pierced her teeth and drank every last drop of blood clean in each little body. Ten innocent dead girls just because she wanted to become a vampire for a reason she couldn%u2019t even remember when she first awoke. Katerina sat there until dawn she was going to allow the sun to take her life tears streamed down her face like droplets of dew on a car window racing to get to the end first. The big, bright, beautiful sun was rising the rays gleamed on Kat's beautiful face making her blonde hair glisten and yet she did not burn. She looked at the necklace that set firmly around her elegant neck the same ring that Zedrick had, the ring of protection was placed on the chain.

Why did i do this, why did i want to become a vampire. It seemed like a good idea at first, i was going to spend eternity with Sebastian my one true love but now all it has led to is a broken heart and ten young innocent girls dead.

"I don't deserve to live" Katerina yelled as she disappeared into the trees.

Where am ? <--- somehow, the "I" got cut out of that first sentence. Also, when Kat is thinking, I would put it in italics or something, just so it's easier to tell the difference between description and thoughts. Kat thought to herself. Well it's dark and cramped and my leg seems to be attached to something. A chain, I would use a period, so there's a longer pause between "A chain" and "I'm in a cellar". Because when she sees the chain, wouldn't she think about that for a few seconds before automatically going into the setting? So yeah, period instead of a comma. I'm in a cellar, how? I can't remember a thing. Oh shit someone is coming, what do I do?

Kat closed her eyes and laid perfectly still. The dark figure in the distance was getting closer now, it was a man. The man was dressed in all black, (semi-colon) black boots, black jeans, black jacket add his eyes, his eyes were the most delightful black eyes Kat had ever lay eyes on, First, I would make "His eyes were... etc..." in a different sentence. Just chance the comma between "his eyes" and "his eyes" to a period. Second, you said eyes about four times in just that small section. I would say "Kat had ever seen" instead. they were like black swirling blood that sent shivers up Kat's spine.

"Hello Katerina" said the figure.

"It's Kat and how do you know my name (question mark)" Kat mumbled.

"Don't you remember me? (quotation mark) He said teasingly "he" shouldn't be capitalized.

No but I would like to get to know you, Kat though flirtatiously (period)

"Well you will (period) I'm Zedrick" he said (period)

"Zedrick that sounds familiar (comma)" Kat said (period)

Zedrick opened the cellar door (comma) walked over to where Kat was standing (comma) gently picked up her hand and kissed it so lightly that you could hear the soft smooth passion. passion isn't a sound. You can't hear it.

"Nice to meet you Katerina (comma)" he replied (period)

"Wait, a minute ago you replied to my though, how is that possible?" Kat realized (period)

"You don't know, do you remember anything at all?"

"Remember what?" she asked worryingly (period)

"What I am, what you are, what you pleaded to be (comma)" he said while smirking (period)

Zedrick's smile would make the hairs on the back of your neck stand as straight as nails.

Kat was becoming worried. She had no idea what was going on then all of a sudden she remembered something (period) She was staring deeply into his ring and a vision of him draining the blood of an innocent girl appeared in Kat's mind.

"You're a v..." she stuttered (period) Also, she didn't stutter. She just didn't finish the word "vampire"

"I'm a what?" Zedrick asked (period)

"A vampire" she shouted (period)

Zedrick started clapping sarcastically and then laughed under his breath.

"Very good Katerina, now what are you?" he asked (period)

"Human" she said (period)

"Erg wrong (period) Remember (comma) I said 'what you pleaded to be'" he mocked (period)

"I'm not a vampire (exclamation point) I am not exclamation point)" she protested (period)

"Yes you are, i should know i was the one you exchanged blood with because you wanted to be with me for eternity!" he claimed

"Who would want to be with you (question mark) You're evil, you're a monster (exclamation point)" she shouted.

Zedrick stormed out of the cellar and before she knew it he was gone (period) Kat's breathing became normal.

"If only Sebastian was here" she cried

"Sebastian, it's all coming back (period) I became a vampire to be with him for eternity"

Oh my Sebastian, tall, muscular, dreamy Sebastian (period) His whirling chocolate brown eyes. I can still remember when he would put his arms around me and kiss my neck so gently he was a vampire but he did not kill or drink humans' blood, Kat thought.

"I've got to g..." she stopped (period)

I forgot that Vampires have great hearing and can read thoughts if they are close enough and can get past peoples auras (period) I'm going to get out of here (comma) she thought to herself.

Kat stood up (comma) closed her eyes and tugged on the chain around her ankle (period) And in disbelief (comma) it flew right off (period) She was becoming stronger (period) The transition from human to vampire was almost over. Kat ran through the forest and after a mile or two (comma) the trees and grass stopped (period) She felt as if she was going in circles. There was a throbbing pain in her stomach and it was a thirst that was driving her insane. She noticed a group of girl scouts and she just couldn't help herself (comma) the thirst for blood was going on for too long (period) Her body flung itself at them (period) She grabbed them and they were all squealing (period) She threw their necks back and pierced her teeth into their skin, drinking every last drop of blood clean in each little body. Ten innocent dead girls just because she wanted to become a vampire for a reason she couldn't even remember when she first awoke. Katerina sat there until dawn (period) She was going to allow the sun to take her life (comma) tears streamed down her face like droplets of dew on a car window (comma) racing to get to the end first. The big, bright, beautiful sun (Nice alliteration!) was rising (period) The rays gleamed on Kat's beautiful face (comma) making her blonde hair glisten (comma) and yet she did not burn. She looked at the necklace that was set firmly around her elegant neck (period) The same ring that Zedrick had, the ring of protection (comma) was placed on the chain.

Why did i do this, why did i want to become a vampire (question mark) It seemed like a good idea at first, i was going to spend eternity with Sebastian (comma) my one true love (comma) but now all it had led to was a broken heart and ten young innocent girls dead.

"I don't deserve to live (comma)" Katerina yelled as she disappeared into the trees.

Okay, overall I think you did very well. Obviously, you have a lot of punctuation errors, but those are easily fixable. I think you did a good job describing her emotions, because I felt honestly bad for her. Very nice job!

Also, some of the "I"s weren't capitalized. If it says "I went shopping", if the "I" is alone, it has to be capitalized.

Gooooood gracious! Lol you have a bunch of spelling errors and punctuation! Hehehe , other than that I think you should have made this a novel because I kind of liked it; however, you should have been a bit more descriptive and explain what in the world was going on. How did they meet? Where were they?

At the beginning, it'd be helpful if you put that part where Kat is thinking in italics so we readers know what's going on. It's obvious she doesn't know where she is and I was a bit confused. Thanks!

Thanks for taking the time to read it and on my first copy on microsoft office there are no spelling mistakes somehow the format or diction was changed :L

Hi! I'm going to review this, obviously!

Where am ? Kat thought to herself. Well it's dark and cramped and my leg seems to be attached to something. A chain, I'm in a cellar, how? I can't remember a thing. Oh shit someone is coming, what do I do?

Wow! Okay, so this is supposed to be the 'hook-line-and-sinker', as my English teacher would put it. But what you have isn't very attractive. It's riddled with errors and, quite frankly, made me want to stop reading. But I didn't, I kept going.

To fix this, you could do a number of things. To start off with though, you have to italicize the whole thing (except for Kat thought to herself.). When somebody is thinking something, you have to italicize it to show that it isn't being narrated, but thought. So now that you have it being thunk (yes I'm going to say that is a word.), you have to fix the punctuation.

Here's where the variation can come in. I'll tell you what's wrong and show you different ways to fix it!

Well it's dark and cramped and my leg seems to be attached to something.

This can be fixed in the following ways:

Well, it's dark, cramped, and my leg is attached to something.

What I did was break it up with commas because the sentence had to many 'ands' and not enough natural pauses.I got rid of the seems, because if there's something as heavy as a chain on your ankle your going to know it's there. Or you could say:

Well, it's dark, cramped, and attached to my leg is something.

A chain, I'm in a cellar, how?

This is sort of weird. You could leave it if you want, but I would change it.

It's a chain? I'm in a cellar... How did I get here?

The how seems too general, you need to specify what your talking about.

Or

It's a chain and I'm in a cellar. How did I get here?

Oh shit someone is coming, what do I do?

Now here's something interesting, it's what made me keep reading.

Oh, shit someone's coming.

That's plain, simple and get's the point across.

So now that we've covered the opener, I'm going to get more general and get some major points, not as much nit-picky.

So the story has a lot of silly errors, like coma's missing or not having the right punctuation, but I'll let someone else get that.

Story: The idea is kinda unoriginal. The whole hot vampire, becoming stronger, wanting to become a vampire for someone you love, everything just screams Twilight. I can't say I'm a fan of it.

Pace: It moves really fast. One second she's in a cave talking to a guy, the next she's out side eating... girl scouts but the boy attacked or something...? I have no clue what's going on.

Overall: The whole thing was too fast, undescriptive, confusing, and badly punctuated and has bad grammar. Perhaps if you fixed the latter, you could possible make it better but again it's hard to make vampires seem original.

Hope I wasn't too hard!
GrenadeCatcher