Stop and Stare (Part 13)

What's happened in this novel so far:

Spoiler

Austin, Charlie Black's friend, is responsible for accidentally stabbing and killing a young girl. A few weeks had passed after the stabbing when the boys met Zoey Cardle and her best friend, Beth. The girl Austin killed was Zoey's sister, Aimee Cardle, but no one is aware of that.

Zoey, Austin and Charlie met up again some time later, and Charlie now wants to be homeschooled by Zoey's mum, Sophie. During their meeting, it was uncovered that Sophie knows Charlie back from when he was younger. Charlie and Austin left Zoey's house and they are currently walking home.

Charlie

As we wandered through the forest, Austin was practically skipping along the dirty path. With my hands in my jacket’s pockets, I dodged the stray branches that stuck out from the skinny trees, but they didn’t seem to be fazing Austin one bit. If I didn’t know any better, I’d have thought the guy was purposely running into them.
“Mate, are you hammered or something?” I called, causing him to stop ahead of me.
As I caught up to him, I noticed the broad grin spread across his face. “Me? Drunk?” He laughed. “Nah, I’m just in a good mood. That allowed, Charles, dear?”
“Yeah, of course it is.” I shrugged. “I know it’s kinda hard for your little brain to multitask, but I’m sure you can jog and avoid trees at the same time if you really put your mind to it.” I winked at him.
“You cheeky bugger!”
Like he always did when I mocked him, he shoved me to the side. Through laughs, I only just avoided falling into an untamed bush as I pulled his jumper’s hood over his blonde head. Austin flicked his hood back down and then tried shoving me again, but I quickly dodged his hand. After his failed push, I thought I’d be nice by allowing him to smack me across my head instead. We were soon walking side-by-side again.
“You bully me, you know?” He tried to sound defensive, but the laughs that escaped his mouth destroyed the attempt completely.
“Awww, poor Austin.” I laughed. “I thought I was supposed to be the faggot.”
After my laughter subsided, the smile that remained of that laughter soon vanished too. Austin and I were laughing, messing about with each other. It seemed so... normal. I pressed my dry lips together. It didn't feel right. After all of the crap that had happened, we could still have fun. I didn't deserve to have fun, not in my mind. I lowered my head to peer at the muddy ground. It just didn't seem fair.
“Oh, don’t worry, you are,” Austin said, brining me back to the present. He nudged me jokingly, but I didn't respond much. “Biggest one ever. I mean, you do have a phobia of girlfriends.” He laughed again. “That really hints at gay.”
“I don’t have a phobia of girlfriends, Austin, I just don’t want one,” I muttered. “Besides, I don’t even like Zoey like that.”
“I never said anything about Zoey.” He petted my hair.
I began stammering after the realisation that my mind clearly was tuned in to Zoey, and Austin had just gone and proved it. He laughed even more. I was such an idiot. I obviously had been thinking about Zoey... That didn't mean anything though, right? I honestly didn’t like her in that way. Quite frankly, I had plenty of other crap on my mind to even think about her. I couldn’t have fancied the chick if I tried.
“Whatever you say, mate.” Austin petted my head again. “Whatever you say.”
Rolling my eyes, I let out a long sigh. The guy didn’t give up, did he? I smiled sarcastically at him as we continued strolling. I locked my eyes into the distance, then noticed the small gap between the trees. The opening into this forest seemed miles away. Mind you, if I had it my way, it would have been much further. The longer I could stay away from Amber Fountains, the better. The second we stepped out of this forest, Austin and I would be welcomed by the stench of sewage and the oh-so-wonderful sight of teenagers taking and drinking everything they shouldn’t be.
The trees swayed as we passed them, but I didn’t take much notice of them. They were more like green blurs than anything else, tinted with a dull brown patch here and there. Austin was humming beside me, but as we passed a bush pasted with deep red flowers, a strong gust of wind distracted my thoughts for a moment. In the background of the wind blowing, I could hear the sound of a bird calling and now and then, there was a snap of a twig. There was a crunching noise, like the sound of leaves being crushed together. The sound of the forest was strangely relaxing.
“So, are you gonna do the homeschooling thing?” Austin snapped me out of my thoughts.
“I dunno.” I nodded at the pocket which held the forms Sophie gave me. “Do you really think I’m gonna get my old man to sign these?”
Austin paused. “All you need is a signature, right?”
I nodded in response. Austin suddenly reached down and helped himself to the forms from my pocket. Before I could say or do anything, he took a chewed up pencil from his own pocket and started scribbling over the papers.
“Sorted.” He handed the forms back to me.
I scanned through them to see a pile of untidy signatures plastered over a number of the dotted lines. If someone didn’t know my surname or my dad’s name, there would have been no way to tell what the signatures actually read.
“Austin, it looks like my cat’s written them and he died when I was nine.”
“Like your dad’s writing is any better,” he replied.
He had a point. I searched through the forms again. I guess his signatures weren’t that bad. The only problem that remained now was the money and where the hell I’d find it because I was pretty sure I didn’t have thirty quid on me every week. A job was always an option, I guess, but some decent qualifications were probably needed for that and I hardly had many of those.
“Cool. Do you happen to have thirty quid spare?” I asked as I folded the forms and put them back into my pocket. “On a weekly basis.”
“Negative thinking there, Charlie. Bad for the soul." He put his arm over my shoulders. "Hey, don’t worry about the cash. Like Sophie said, she can probably sort something out."
"Yeah, I guess." I shrugged.
We continued ambling and as we neared the opening to Amber Fountains, the only thing I could see were the ugly trees that surrounded us. I looked up through those trees. It couldn’t have been passed four yet, but the sky was already beginning to swallow up the remains of its own previous brightness. We probably should have gotten back soon.
“C’mon then, we better hurry up,” Austin said as he sped up slightly. “We’ll never get home at this rate.”
“Yeah, it's getting dark.” I glanced down at my feet to see my one Converse covered in something brown, and the yellowish tint in it kind of implied that it wasn’t mud. Lush.
I stepped to the side and leaned against one of the trees. Austin was still walking ahead of me, so I assumed he hadn’t noticed that I’d stopped. I awkwardly pulled my shoe off my left foot, and while hopping on one leg, I tried rubbing my footwear against the tree to get the crap off it.
Then something tugged me from behind.
I dropped the shoe in an instant. It followed with a yelp. Something grasped onto my arm as it pulled me away from the path, and the next thing I saw were a pair of almost yellow coloured eyes digging into mine. Lee Pritchard. His knuckles were tensed, his hands grasping me by my collar. I almost threw up my heart.
“I need to have a word with you, pretty boy,” he spat. “I’m sure you remember you and your mates’ slight... disagreement with me a few weeks ago. Now, I heard that some prick thought it was a good idea to call an ambulance that night.” He pushed me against a tree as I stared back at him with wide eyes.
What? An ambulance? What on earth? I almost thought the guy was taking the mick for a moment, but when I saw the poisonous look in his eyes, I realised that he was dead serious. Someone had called an ambulance for the girl? A million questions shoved themselves into my brain. Had anyone seen us? Did a witness I wasn't aware of call for help? If so, did the police know about things? Sweat was beginning to slide down my palms as my breathing became heavy. This was fricking unbelievable.
Lee continued, snatching my attention back to him. “And a little birdie told me that specific prick shares a striking similarity to yo--”
“Oi! Get off him, twat face!”
Like many other times in my life, I was damn relieved to see Austin’s face. He was shoving a load of branches out of the way as he sauntered towards us. I could just make out the forest’s pathway behind him, which gave me a tiny bit of comfort because it felt like I’d been dragged way away from that path. Lee let go of me and turned to Austin with an amused expression on his grimy face. I tugged at the collar of my white top underneath my unbuttoned chequered shirt.
“And what do you want, blondie?”
Austin was right in front of Lee’s face now. “For you to sod off.” He paused. “What do you want?”
“Like I was just telling your boyfriend here, he owes me an explanation.”
Austin glanced at me over Lee’s shoulder, but all I did was shrug in reply. I still couldn't get my head around the fact that someone had actually called for an ambulance. All I knew was that it sure as hell wasn't me. What if it was one of Lee's goons? Wouldn't he have had enough common sense to realise that he could have got himself caught? Then again, I doubted any of his mates had a brain any bigger than a shrivelled pea.
“According to that half cast buddy of yours,” Lee said to Austin, “Black called an ambulance after you shoved a knife through my girlfriend’s stomach.”
The bluntness of his words made my body freeze up, almost stopped it from functioning. I glanced at Austin. His lip twitched. Hang on... Jax? Why the hell did Jax tell this idiot that? Jesus, the kid really did hate me, didn’t he? He was happy enough to land me in it with Lee fricking Pritchard, after all.
“Whoa, I never called anyone,” I interrupted. “Considering he blamed it on me, maybe it was Jax who rang for an ambulance.” My voice trailed off as I finished the sentence.
Jax? Calling an ambulance? Helping someone? Like hell. I scratched my head. Why would he have blamed it on me then? I paused. The club. If this was Jax's version of payback after I smashed his head in, then he seriously was a hypocrite. He constantly called me a wimp, yet he was too scared to confront me himself. Instead, he had to use Lee Pritchard. Still though, Jax wasn't ever the type to, well, do something right. I doubted it was him who called for help.
If it wasn’t him who called for an ambulance, then who was it? Maybe it was Austin... I looked over at him, but nothing about his facial expression hinted at the fact it was him who called for help. If anything, he was glaring at me. I had to stop myself from groaning. Seriously, what was going on?
Lee seemed to stare at me for a while and I found myself fidgeting at his hard glares. Even Austin was silent. At least we now knew what was making those noises earlier. The wind blew and I found my hair flying over my face as though it was trying to suffocate me. Lee opened his mouth, but he soon closed it. A few seconds passed. His mouth opened again.
“If I find out you’re lying about this, Black.” He grabbed the collar of my shirt again. Austin stepped towards us, but I shot my eyes at him to order him to stop. “I’ll rip your damn head off. Is that clear?” Trying not to whimper like the idiot girl I was, I quickly nodded. “Good boy.” Lee tapped my boiling cheek.
He smiled a subtle smirk, then let go of me. He was about to turn around when I stopped him. “That’s kinda messed up.” He furrowed his wild eyebrows. “Shouldn’t you be more pissed off that the ambulance didn’t save her? Your girlfriend, I mean.”
It had only just occurred to me how much this whole situation didn’t feel right. If my girlfriend got killed and I knew who did, I would have instantly called the cops and explained everything. I would have if I cared the slightest bit about her anyway. Why in God’s name did Lee want anything but his girlfriend to be saved?
“Yeah, I was a bit annoyed.” He put his hands into the pockets of his tracksuit bottoms. “But hey, she was just some chick. I’m with a hotter one now.” What a nice thing to say. Lee turned to Austin and simply looked at him for a while. “If the cops find out about what happened, I’m screwed. I’m only just avoiding the slammer as it is. You two may be idiots, but I’m pretty sure we can all agree that the cops are a bunch of leeches. If I tell them everything, no way are they gonna believe me. We’ll all end up going down, me included. I seriously can’t be arsed for prison. That ambulance was called straight away from a payphone and the cops soon followed. I was lucky to get out unseen. We all were.”
Neither Austin or I said anything for a while. Birds tweeting were the only noises to pass through my ears, and those sounds only felt like they were interrupting the otherwise calm silence. I found myself staring deep into a limp bush next to Austin’s feet. I guess that explained why I hadn’t been arrested yet. If Lee and his goons weren’t going to say anything, there was no one else left to turn us in. No one. I clenched my knuckles. I should have felt good about that. It should have lifted the ever growing weight off my shoulders and allowed my heart to beat at a normal rate once again. I mean, it made our chances of getting away with everything much bigger. But I didn’t feel good about it. It made my throat swell up, made the blood drain from my veins.
“How does it sound? I won’t say anything if you two don’t,” Lee said as he brought out a fag. He lit it with a rusty lighter form his pocket.
Austin smiled, and it truly looked genuine. “Deal.” It was the first time he'd said anything in a while.
“There we go. Maybe you’re not complete trash.” He held out his packet of cigarettes for Austin. “Want one?”
Without an ounce of hesitation, Austin slipped out a fag from the packet. Lee soon lit it for him, and I noticed Austin glance at me with a hard expression on his face for a second. I swore he was trying to tell me something. Lee soon distracted me by turning around and asking me if I wanted a fag, but I didn’t even have to consider it. I’d tried one of Austin’s once and I wasn’t planning on trying anymore any time soon. I literally spewed after trying it, it was so bad. Before I could answer for myself though, Austin did so for me.
“Don’t bother.” He laughed. “He’s scared of them.”
The way he said it was almost insulting, but I tried to shrug it off. I couldn’t help but notice the way Austin was watching Lee with bright eyes as if he was beginning to like the kid or something. I hoped I was just having a delusional moment.
“Hey, do you two wanna come to the park with me?” Lee asked us as he was finishing off his cigarette. “I’m meeting some of the other guys there in five. We could try to find out who did call that ambulance ‘cause whoever did is gonna get their arse kicked by me.”
He was kidding, right? Like hell did I want to hang out with this minger and his goons. I was about to turn him down in a not so polite manner, but for the second time within the past few seconds, Austin spoke for me.
“Sure, sounds good.”
I froze, and for a moment, I think my heartbeat did too. Was he ill or something? He wasn’t serious, right? Why did Austin even think about wanting to go along with Lee? I turned my eyes to him while utter confusion surfaced in them. He looked back at me with a casual look on his face.
“Uh, no thanks,” I muttered, offended. “Austin...? Seriously?”
Austin took his cigarette from in-between his lips before mouthing something to Lee. That peed me off some more. Lee nodded before Austin wandered over to me, then pulled me to the side so that Lee couldn't hear what we were saying, I assumed. All I did was stare at my friend.
“Mate, what the f--”
“Look, we need to get on his good side, alright?” Austin interrupted me. “Besides, he doesn’t seem that bad.”
“That bad? Austin, he’s been in the slammer about fifty times, he looks like a fricking wolf and he just told us how he was pissed off someone tried to help his girlfriend when she was dying. That doesn’t exactly scream ‘lovely kid’. I ain’t going anywhere with him, Aust.”
Austin clenched his jaw and I spotted something in his eyes I’d seen so many times before, but never directed at me. He looked angry. He threw his fag to the ground before shaking his head along with a hard sigh.
“Well, I’m going with him.” His voice was coarse. “If you’re too scared, then I ain’t gonna miss out on something interesting again. I ain’t following you just to make you feel better like I always do. You coming or not?”
I stammered a little. What was wrong with him? Austin knew Lee was trouble shaped into a six foot teenager, so what possessed him into thinking it was a good idea to go along with him? His jaw was locked as he leered at me. Clearly getting the point that I wasn’t going to change my mind, Austin craned his neck to look at Lee, and was soon glancing between him and me.
“Whatever” He nudged me rather hard before whispering, “thanks for telling me you called the bloody emergency services, by the way. You could’ve landed me in it. Real good mate, you are.”
“Austin, I never called anyone!” I raised my voice.
“’Course not,” he muttered before his voice raised. "Charlie, it was a bloody payphone. The only one anywhere near that park is right outside your house, and except for Lee, you're the only guy who lives anywhere near it. Jax lives in the opposite direction, to begin with." He paused an stared at me for a while. "I know when you're lying, mate: your eyes go all hard and your lip twitches. I know you well enough to be able to tell, so seriously, don't even bother."
He shook his head once more before turning back around, but I stopped him from walking towards Lee. “It’s nice to know you don’t trust me to tell you the truth. I mean, it ain’t like we’ve been mates for fourteen years or anything. Oh, and thanks for picking Lee Pritchard over me. Makes me feel great.”
I expected Austin to turn back around to face me, but he didn’t. He paused for a moment and his knuckles clenched, but that was about it. He was soon parading over to Lee. As I watched the two guys wander back towards the path, my entire body felt as though it was boiling up. He didn’t believe me. Austin didn’t bloody believe me. He genuinely thought I’d called emergency services, despite knowing that it could have gotten him into serious trouble. Worse still, he’d rather go off with some kid who burnt bins as a hobby than stay with me. Maybe Austin was good at knowing when I was lying, but this time in particular, he was damn well off.
As I glanced back towards the path, I realised that there was no sign of either Austin or Lee. My palms were sweaty and my mind was going into overdrive, and all the wind that surrounded me did was send freezing shivers down my spine. I felt my throat drying up. To put it bluntly, I felt like shit.

Spoiler

I'm a little anxious about this part and the next one, so I'm interested in what others think of them. One thing I'd like to know about this part in particular is whether this scene's believable enough, specifically if Austin not believing Charlie seems realistic. Thanks!

Click here to read STOP AND STARE (PART FOURTEEN)

Hey there Skins!

I'm so glad you posted another part - I feel like I'm addicted to this story

So, I'm going to try my best to give you an awesome review, seeing as you do so many for me. Oh, and as a special treat, I'll let you have my 350th review. I'm so nice.

Anyway. You want to know whether this scene is believable or not and to be honest, I think it is. I could imagine the setting well and the whole almost fight thing did make sense. I was wondering if we'd ever see Lee again, seeing as it was his girlfriend that had been killed when Austin had tried to beat him and his gang up. Another appearance from him cleared this up.

I think the way you had Charlie react to both Lee and Austin was believable, seeing as Charlie comes across as a bit of a whimp when it comes to confrontation and stuff. Having him stammer at Lee and get angry with Austin was how I would have expected him to react. I was a bit surprised at Austin not believing Charlie about who called the ambulance though, seeing as like Charlie points out, they've been friends for fourteen years. I know it was a serious situation, with someone having been killed, but if my best friend said she hadn't done something, I'd like to think that I could believe her. That was the only thing that stood out to me, though, and it didn't bother me that much. It just made me stop and think for a second.

I think you did a good job on characterising Lee. I could really imagine what he looked like - a general chav really - and the way you had him act suited the image. He really seems like a piece of work. I mean, setting fire to bins... lovely boy.

I did find a few things to point out.

Austin petted my head.

As you already said that Austin petted Charlie's head, I think you should add 'again' after 'head'

signatures scrambled over a number

I think 'scribbled' would sound better than 'scrambled'

is any better” he replied

Comma after 'better'

We probably should have gotten back soon.

This sentence irks me and I don't know why... Maybe try -

'We should probably have gotten back already.' Or something to that effect.

Why would he have blamed it on me then?

Maybe 'cause Charlie beat him to a pulp I'd have thought that Charlie would have made that connection too - like it was Jax's was of getting back at Charlie, by sending Lee after him.

Austin was even silent.

Try -

'Even Austin was silent.'

my hair scrambling over my

You sure like the word 'scrambling' don't you? That's the third time you've used it in this part. Try 'flying' instead.

but he soon closed.

You need 'it' after 'closed'

Austin nor I said

I think 'nor' would be better as 'or'

***

I love the way Austin and Charlie act around each other. It's really believable and it makes their friendship appear strong - that's why the whole thing with Austin not believing that Charlie didn't call the ambulance stuck out to me. It just seems odd. I get why Austin acted buddy buddy with Lee though. I mean, I'd rather be on Lee's good side than his bad.

I miss Zoey in this, but I liked the part when Charlie basically admitted that he fancied her. It was cute

I don't think you should be worried about this part - I enjoyed reading it and having Lee appear again closed some doors so to speak.

Post more soon!

I hope this helps, Skinsy!

xDudettex

Hey Skinsy!

Well! Don't have much to say except that I loved this I really did.

I could clearly picture what was happening and Austin is really really growing on me. Can't wait to see what you have in store for him.

That being said, it's obvious Austin was pulling an act, pretending to be angry at Charlie. But why? Does he truly think charlie called, and he's trying to stear Lee away? If yes, that's a little weird because why didn't Lee react to that? Unless Lee didn't hear that part?

So.......did Austin call? Redeeming time!

OTher than that, nothing to say. I really really enjoyed this and the easy camaderie between Austin and Charlie.

Keep using that keyboard!

Tanya

Okay, take-two. (WARNING: this review is being typed by an angry turtle on a train who doesn't like having her reviews deleted and doesn't like writing on trains.)

I really like this chapter, sir. It feels a lot more exciting than the scenes with Zoey (from Charlie's POV), because I feel like this stuff really matters to Charlie. Sure, he cares for Zoey, and sure he's curious about their mothers' friendship and all, but I can tell that all that stuff isn't top on Charlie's priorities list. I can tell that what Charlie really cares about is Austin, and that makes me really care too. I felt genuinely hurt when Austin accused Charlie of lying. I also think you've done extremely well with making the emotions in this chapter convincing. There are a lot of sudden emotional switches and changes of motive in this chapter, and those aren't easy to handle, but you've handled them quite masterfully, if I do say so myself. You've got a thing for emotions, don't you? Good job.

All that said, there are a few spots that I think could use improving. I'll just go through this chronological-like and point them out.

First off is the happy chummy bit in the beginning. I don't know about you, but I find scenes like that the hardest to write convincingly. I never seem to be able to pull it off without making it cheesy. You've done a pretty good job of this, actually. If I remember correctly, there was a scene like this in Can You See Me, and I think this one's much better--you've improved already. But this could still use some work, methinks. It's not so much cheesiness that's the problem, but a certain... detachedness. See, the dialogue is great (good job!) but the narrative feels like it wants to be in third person. It feels like something I'm observing, not experiencing. Especially that part where he says that they burst out laughing--it just feels a little bit impersonal and detached.

I think one way you could fix this would be to capitalize on the fact that Charlie's going through rough times right now. Maybe mention him feeling almost guilty for being happy? Or at least make him feel like being happy with Austin was somewhat surreal? That way, you could make it purposefully detached, and you could emphasize how detached it was by making him not be able to believe that he was feeling happy. Maybe? Maybe not. Just a thought.

I think the part with Zoey was a nice transition out of their silly-mode. You did a really good job of making Charlie genuinely not seem like he cares about Zoey being his girlfriend. He really doesn't seem like he has energy to think about that. Nice job. But I think the part where he mentions her and Austin says that he wasn't talking about her could be played up a little more. You say that he's stammering, but once again that feels a little detached--I'd rather be shown why he's stammering (I assume it's because he just proved that he was thinking about Zoey, but you never say that) than be told that he's stammering.

The part(s) where you mention the sound behind them could use some toning-down, I think. I know you're trying to foreshadow and trying to build suspense and all that--but it's actually having the opposite effect, for me anyway. All the talk of "I think there's someone behind me... no, it can't be" made me not at all surprised when Lee jumped out of the bushes. This may just be me, but I'd rather you kept the foreshadowing to a minimum and let it be more of a surprise. Maybe add snapping twigs into a description of a bunch of other sounds they're hearing in the forest? Or maybe I'm just spewing nonsense once again.

Now for the conversation with Lee. I think for the most part it's really well done. You had some complicated emotions going on there, and you handled them excellently. But there are a few places I'd like to address. Firstly: the ambulance. Charlie didn't know someone called it, did he? Well, it seems like he did, because he's not surprised enough when Lee mentions it. The thing is, the readers already know about the ambulance, so it's not going to be a surprise for them--which means you have to work extra-hard to make sure they realize that it is a surprise for Charlie. Otherwise they'll think he already knows about it and get confused. Not like I did anything of the sort, of course. *cough*

Lastly, I'd like to talk about the part where Austin turns against Charlie. It gave me shivers. Really, it did. How could he be so cold? I can sort of believe him not trusting Charlie--but him getting all chummy with Lee? Nope. I don't buy it. If, like Tanya said, it's all a ploy, then you've done a good job. If it's supposed to be believable, then I suggest you work a little harder on that. >.< But I think it's a ploy.

Does Charlie get his shoe back, or does he stay with only one shoe for the rest of the chapter? Hm, maybe you put that in there and I just didn't see it.

Anyhow, I swear this was a lot more eloquent the first go-round... but... whatever. It's my stop now, so I've gotta get off the train. PM/wallpost/bug me whenever you like, sir.

a

Hai.

Here to return a favour as requested. I might just add that, as I haven't been following your novel closely I might ask strange questions due to the fact I have no idea whats going on previously. I shouldn't think I'll be too bad though,I mean I know whats going on roughly. That should do grand right? Well, dang it, it's going to have to!

Alright, I know you haven't got amazing in depth critiques grammar wise and I know I'm being awful but would you mind if I skipped grammar critiques? I just don't really do grammar in long pieces, normally I mainly do in depth critiqes on grammar in shorter stories or poems. I'll mention grammar but not in detail.

So I'll skip on to the overall review. Sit tight and enjoy the ride. *Scratch that annoying cheesy metaphor*

So, you're moving on quite well with the novel now. You've completed more chapters then I ever have, I guess novels aren't my thing why am I writing this? but thats irrelevant.

I actually quite enjoyed this chapter. If you want me to be totally honest, the little chapters I have read of this, let's put it this way, aren't as interesting as this one. You seemed to be really in the zone with this chapter, plot wise which was genuinely great. I found myself feeling what Charlie was feeling, I almost felt the awkard silence's between the couple of boys. By the way, I did not do an awkward turtle while reading this. Austin was almost setting us up for disaster and even though you never wrote about anything dierctly, I kind of felt that something bad was going to come up. I may be wrong but the feeling of fear is almost clear. The charchters emotions were portrayed quite well, maybe not as well as usual but I guess that's ok seeing as you don't need every chapter brimming full of description. I would, maybe give Austin maybe a bit more emtion. We seem to be focusing a lot on Chalire which I think isgood and what you want, I know but don't leave Austin in the dark. If it so happens that you want to pick Austin up later in thenovel, don't let us feel like we don't know mucha bout him anymore. Remember to add detail, even though in your dialogue you show alot of his personality, I think it's important to throw in a couple of sturdy facts just to keep your foundation steady if you understand me.

I know I said I wouldn't go over grammar but I was kind of uneasy with this one. I know, that you aren't using your full potential in this 'showing off your talent wise' because you'd probably need to do a really descriptive piece for that. I just thought, you'd let your grammar slip a little. Simply things that caught me eye. Placing words in funny places. Your actually spelling and punctuation was fine. I'll just show you what I mean, I'm being severly nit-picky here;

jumper’s hood

This to me sounds awful. I know, you're probably thinking I'm strange but I'm weird like that. I hate wrong words in wrong places.YOu should cut out jumper completely. Its irrelevant and just takes up space. Leave 'hood' it's so much better.

He nudged me jokingly

This doesn't read right either. I don't think anyone can pull that off and make it sould perfessional. This will look, feel and sound so much better; Joking, he nudged already laughing. OR He nudged me, clearly joking by the way his face was creased with laughter. If you read over what you've written again to you see how... tacky it sounds? I don't mean that in a bad way so please, don't read me wrong.

I locked my eyes into the distance,

In this mistake, I'm not even sure what you're trying to say. Was he gazing into the distance? Were his eyes locked on something, someone in the upcoming clearing? What? They way you put it, its confusing messy and a little childish. I would makes this clearer somehow, expressing what you really mean.

These are only a few of the mistkaes I found in the text. They aren't spelt wrong or grammatically wrong but they sound wrong. Its imperative that you check over what you written and ask yourself; Does that sound right? Does it look right? How can I make it clearer, better? I know, from reading your other pieces, that you have talent. You can write something and makes us feel things without saying them. You need to use that talent in this piece. Don't let the plot shadow the way you write. Throw it in our faces. Well not arogantly but you know... Don't be afraid to show off.

Ok, The plot. I think that you stressed the excitement in this amazing. I was so invovled right untl the end simply because there was lots going on, lots to get our head around. I like a good, powerful read and you gave me one. There was differentthings going on every couple of paragraphs without getting confusing. Sometimes your pace was a little too fast, I wondered did you even stop for breath but still. I think you did good with this, probably the best chapter I've read. Mayb e its because you're coming to the peek in the story? I like when everything starts to become interesting. You've done that. You've made a mediochre plot into a fast paced, action packed one. Good job.

Last thing, I want to say. When Lee came into the picture. I felt like it flew by. Everything was so quick and rsuhed it was almost hard to read. I was like WHUTT? How'd that happen? I think, to really ccapture the breaking of trust here, you need to slow down a good bit. Give us more information, we know nothing really. Its bleak, empty and confusing. Fill us in, let Chalire get a word in edge ways, make him say aloud/i] how he feels. I found that part boring, so maybe throw in some fiesty comments that get the ball rolling. We need something to spice it all up again.

Last thing that bugged be, You randomely added in that he didn't go back to collect his shoe. It seemed out of place or soemthing, like you just added it in there to get to a certain amount of words. Either take it out completely or give us a reason why you told us that.

All in all, after all my horrible rants, I hope I helped somewhat. I feel like I've been harsh but I really hope I haven't. Try and keep in my mind, its all for your own good. I know what its like to feel like scrapping everything but this is so good I'd never think of doing that with this. Its good, really good and I enjoyed it form beginning to end.

I can't wait to read the next part.
Good luck and Good job... [i]again

Kagi.

Oh and, questions will be answerd on my profile or in my WRFF thread. Whatever. You choose.

Bai now.

Hey Skins.

Okay, so presenting Shubhi's reviews after a gap of....1 month. Here I am to review for you...again.

Overall:

Pardon my reviewing skills-they are somewhat rustic since I came back. But I'll try to review and help you.

Well, about your question in the Spoiler. Thinking about how Austin has always been a cushion for Charlie, I really think that it did come as a blow for us. I couldn't believe that Austin, of all the people, wouldn't believe Charlie. He's been so supportive of him and not believing this guy when he says he is telling the truth does come as a surprise. But if we think from Austin's point of view, this might sink in a bit. He's just been told that the ambulance had been called and he could have just been locked up in jail if he had not ran away, so he is pretty scared from inside, but like the guy he is, he can't show it. So, I guess it's fine. He is just not believing his friend. He is still better with his reactions; he did ask Charlie to come with him again. Had it been me, I might not have cared. That's a different thing that nobody can fore-judge a situation and I might react totally different than I am saying I'd.


I don't really have much to say like always but that your off and on jokes are quite amusing and sometimes I have to read it again and again 'cause they are that awesome.


To add to the praise, I'd like to commend you for 'manly' showing us his pain on being ignored and not being trusted by his friend. You didn't go for imagery like I do or many other writers do because mainly they read better in female POVs and when you are writing from a man's POV you have to take care of everything. From the way they talk to the way and the extent to which they feel about a certain topic/thing. So bravo for that!


On the other side, I do have a small point to make. It might seem useless to you or you might feel it not being of your 'type' but this is something I've been planning to tell you for so long but I often just think it better to skip it. I've noticed that your stories are full of actions. Actions not as in hitting and thrashing but actions as in what the person is 'doing'. Like where is their hand? Which angle they stand at, where they squat, blah blah...which in actual looks fun to read and might even be very great to write, but personally I feel that somehow this kind of writing becomes cumbersome and repetitive. I don't ask you to stop it, not at all, but maybe you can divert your attention a bit to your descriptions since that is one part I feel you have a lot to work on. Still. I won't say you totally ignore them, but maybe you should divulge yourself a bit more in this area.

For eg. this forest scene? I bet you could have done better. I got glimpses of how it looks, but nothing too vivid. I would like you to sometimes stress your writing on certain descriptions of some place. Like a forest or pub, blah blah. So you know you would get a feel instilled in your reader. Make me feel that he is in a forest, and one way of doing it is describing. I won't say you ignored the descriptions, but I bet you could do better.


Hope this helps,
Mia!