Perfect Day

This was actually a daydream I had a little while ago. My dear friends who know me outside this site, this story does not leave YWS.


"What should we go on now?" Tanner asked me. "How about that new roller coaster they just built?"

"Dude, I just ate," I replied, grimacing. "How about the Ferris Wheel, instead?"

"That's so boring, though."

"So is everything after riding Bewitched twice in a row. I told you we should have saved that one for later."

"You only said that because you were scared."

"Shush. Look out, here comes James."

"Okay, I'm coming."

He finally followed me as we dodged out of sight of my other, more stalkerish admirer. We laughed, ducking our heads, at James' frustrated expression. We stayed tense, though, until we were safely on the ride and up in the air. Tanner looked at me around the pole in the center of the gondola, grinning. Then he furrowed his brow and asked me, like he had multiple times before, "So you really don't like him?"

I replied like I had everyt ime he asked, "No, I really don't."

His voice quieted. "Who do you like, then?"

"You're really asking this? Like you don't know?"

He nodded his head quizzicalliy.

I sighed. I was so sure I'd gotten the message across a long time ago, when I'd danced with him three times. When I'd looked for every excuse to talk to him. When I told him I loved him, for Pete's sake! I spoke, though, and made it clear to him, "I like you."

I'd never seen him smile so big. I'd never seen him speechless for so long. It seemed especially long because, in the process of loading more riders on the wheel, the ride was on a stop-go pattern. Several moments later, he finally said, "Why are you sitting way over there? Come sit by me." Typical Tanner. I moved around the cart, until I was in the seat closest to his. Our combined weight caused the gondola to spin gently. He put his arm around me.

We sat in comfortable silence for a while, until our cart stopped at the very top. Tanner turned to me with a look I'd never seen before in him, a demeanor completely strange to me. His hand first cupped my cheek, then my jawbone, then the back of my head as he pulled my head just a few inches closer. I knew it was coming, but a shock of surprise sparked down my spine as our lips brushed, causing me to sit up and meet him halfway, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck. We broke apart just as the wheel started moving again. I was glad I was sitting down, or I might have just collapsed. "That was an amazing first kiss," I said softly.

He chuckled. "Your first, too?"

We sat in silence until the ride was over. His head rested on mine, while mine rested on his shoulder. When the operator released the chain to let us off, he motioned for me to stay while he climbed out. He then, in a most gentleman-like way, offered me his hand. I took it, allowing him to lead me out. I almost laughed aloud at a ridiculous though; I feel bad for all those other girls still wishing for someone to make them feel like a princess. I certainly found my prince charming.

And you know the best part? He didn't let go of my hand.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I think that was enough w's. No, wait, I lied. Few more: wwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

True to your word, this was short, and sweet, and absolutely adorable. So, thank you for sharing it! Brightened my school-is-looming-tomorrow Sunday evening for sure.

I'd never seen him smile so big. I'd never seen him speechless for so long.

That above was possibly my favorite bit. The repetition works wonders, and there are layers in the two lines. It's not just about his reaction, but also her perception to his reaction, and their relationship. And just adorable.

You had other great moments, too. Like the last line.

You kept the story to what it was without going to drama or high school angst. It's not "He'll never like meeeeeeee" or "No guy will ever like me" or "OMG Tanner is so hot." It's just simple, and sweet, and honest. Like it should be. At risk of throwing more adjectives at you, a job well done.

I'm usually more of a technical-side critiquer, and I liked this so much it'd break my heart to beat the life out of it by looking for something "bad" to comment on.

I only have one thing at all to mention (aside from there being typos here and there):

He finally followed me as we dodged out of sight of my other, more stalkerish admirer. We laughed, ducking our heads, at James' frustrated expression. We stayed tense, though, until we were safely on the ride and up in the air. Tanner looked at me around the pole in the center of the gondola, grinning.

It was unclear to me that they got up on the ferris wheel. They'd mentioned it as a possibility, but for all I knew as a reader, it could have been on the opposite side of the park. You could fix this by specifying it's the ferris wheel... but a craftier way to go about it would be to slip in a detail earlier. Maybe your narrator could be thinking of things to do and nod at the ferris wheel nearby? That'd give us a better sense of the setting, too, so win-win.

And that, Sassy, is all I have for you.

That, and a few more wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww's.

Rach

woo!! ,so sweeet!! .it was indeed a perfect day! ,it was really so detailed. .i love it!! ,especially the last part! <3
.keep writing!!!

The story was sweet and honest.

However, it seemed a bit shallow. It lacked a bit of depth. I know you mentioned it was a daydream but, it doesn't have a greater meaning impressed upon it. It's just like some girl's dream come true. Everything going right with the perfect fairytale ending. And yes, I reliased that's what a daydream is. I have enough of those to know. But I think this story would have so much more meaning and depth if you followed the usual story formatting: intro, complication and solution.

There wasn't a clear complication here. I think that you can introduce a problem here. Like Tanner disbelieving that the narrator likes him. So that the narrator has to prove herself or something. I think it would be more interesting if you introduced some sort of complication into it.

However, that's just a suggestion, I think it's pretty sweet the way it is now. I especially like the ending and how you sort of turn it into a fairy-tale ending with your prince charming. That part was really sweet. Pretty good, overall.

Oh my goodness that was really cute and sweet not to mention an awesome job with grammar and that stuff. The weird thing was It sounded like it came out of an actual book. Wow that is how yOu write a short story!!:)

Hey there!

I agree with everything that the other reviews have said. This was so simple, sweet and utterly adorable. I loved it!

The only thing I'd have to suggest is that you maybe add in some more detail in the dialogue at the start of the story. You don't need to add in much, maybe just some facial expressions or descriptions of how the characters talk. For example -

"That's so boring, though."

"So is everything after riding Bewitched twice in a row." I smiled. "I told you we should have saved that one for later."

Tanner laughed and poked my shoulder. "You only said that because you were scared."

"Shush. Look out, here comes James," I whispered.

"Okay, I'm coming."

So, you don't have to use my examples, but I do think a little more detail and description in this piece of dialogue will benefit the story and make it clearer to the reader who is speaking.

I replied like I had everyt ime he asked,

Also, this should read -

'I replied like I had every time he'd asked,'

Apart from that though, I think you did a great job!

Thanks for the read

xDudettex

Hello there.
I'm going to assume the m.c. is a girl? I didn't find any parts where there could be nitpicks.
You should probably give the main character a name though, so it makes it less confusing about gender, age, and other characters in the story.

Overall, though, you did a great job putting scenes and dialogue in here. You might want to explain the scene first though, then start your dialogue. I think that might make it flow better.
Well written!

keep writing
--Ash

Wow that was really good! It was really cute! Loved the main characters! However, I think you could have put more detail into the introduction because it seemed like you just went straight into dialogue and it's kind of off putting. Other than that this was a fairly good piece for a short story or essay. Well done!

i love it!!!!! your writing is absolutely amazing

i love it!!!!! your writing is absolutely amazing

AHHH! This is just so adorable. I love it, a lot. The ending is just a great way to finish it off.
Simple, but totally amazing.
Well done.

This is amazing!! It's so cute, :')
Like it's a little love story,
The only problem i found with it was you said

everyt ime

It should be [quote]every time[quote]
But overall it was really goood
Keep on writing!! <3