Cheap Entertainment

My heart has been a toy for you
A cheap entertainment at best
So now I'll kindly ask you
To unclench your greedy fists.

You told me that you loved me
I never guessed you'd lie
You told me to jump; I did for you
But you watched me as I cried.

You left my mind so closed
My heart you left in tatters
I believed every lie that you spoke
Until my whole world shattered.

Broken, I picked up the pieces
In tears, I smiled through pain
Slowly, I put my heart back together
The heart you thought you trained.

You thought you trained it to remember
You thought you trained it to be weak
And even now it's difficult
To ignore the words you speak.

It's clawed at my heart
This circular love
But I'm ending the road here
Enough is enough.

I'm going to walk away now
Please don't follow me this time
I need to get away from you
I'm done with cliche lines.

I think I've reached a safe place
You barely cross my mind
My heart even fails to remeber you
It's been a while since I've cried.

I had the strength to walk away
From your tricks and twisted games
I've reclaimed what's rightfully mine:
The heart you tried to train.

I say I've thrown out your memory
That I'm over and done with you
And on most days I know that's right
Because I'm better off without you.

But the very worst part is
After all that we've been through
If you ever asked me
I'd still walk through hell for you.

Okay. This has potential. I can see the powerful message in this, it's just not blooming to what it could be quite yet. The flow seemed off in several places and, I won't beat around the bush, most of the rhymes seemed extremely forced. I liked this. My favorite was the last stanza:

But the very worst part is
After all that we've been through
If you ever asked me
I'd still walk through hell for you.

This effectively sums up the idea of the entire poem. If you could make the rest of it match, I believe this could turn out to be a truly outstanding piece.

Hello, PurpleHeart!
I'm Allie, I'll be reviewing your poem today!
My thoughts/comments are in Red.

My heart has been a toy for you
A cheap entertainment at best
So now I'll kindly ask you
To unclench your greedy fists. I see that you have an ABAB rhyming pattern, but "Fists: and "Best" Hardly rhyme, so it does seem a little forced.

You told me that you loved me
I never guessed you'd lie
You told me to jump; I did for you
But you watched as I fell down and cried. The rhythm is thrown off by the last line. I don't quite know how to fix it, though.

You left my mind so closed
My heart you left in tatters
I believed every lie that you spoke
Until my whole world shattered. I love this stanza <3 No comments on it, though.

Broken, I picked up the pieces
In tears, I smiled through pain
Slowly, I put my heart back together
The heart that you had trained. No comments.

You trained it to remember
You trained it to be weak
And even now I can't help
But to hang on to the words that you speak. I think you should smooth the flow by removing the "on" in the last line. It adds a misplace syllable.

You cost me so much
Friendships and love
I think I've finally reached the point
At this point I've had enough. "Friendships and love" is too short... "Some friendships and some love"? The talk about this point is overused. How about "I think I've finally drawn the line, At this point I've had enough"?

I'm going to walk away now
Please don't follow me this time
I need to get away from you
I'm fed up with your old lies. The last line seems strange... The syllables are off again. How about "I'm done with all your lies?" The rhyming is forced here, too.

I think I've reached a safe place
You barely cross my mind
My heart even fails to remeber you
It's been a while since I've cried. Love this stanza, too <3 Rhyming is smooth, as is the rhythm.

I had the strength to walk away
From your tricks and your twisted games
I've reclaimed what's rightfully mine:
The heart you tried to train. Didn't you just say that he succeeded in training it? That can throw off a reader. The "Your" In the second line probably should be removed. Another extra syllable.

I say I've thrown out your memory
That I'm over and done with you
And on most days I know that's right
Because I'm better off without you. First line count is off. Try "I say I've trashed (or burned) Your memory. You and you as the rhymes make it seem like you didn't feel like adding a different word there.

But the very worst part is
After all that we've been through
If you ever asked me
I'd still walk through hell for you. Best stanza. The "Still" is disposable

All in all, except for a few syllable mistakes and forced rhyming, this is a great poem!
I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Allie Rose~

Hey guys! Thanks for the positive reviews, i was kinda worried everyone would hate it, so im glad it wasn't terrible.
I'll work on revising it so it flows better and stuff (thanks for the suggestions Allie!) and i'll repost it once its finished.

Hello, I'm Kagi *Shakes hand* and I'll review for you today *Takes hand back* if you don't mind.

Poetry isn't my main area but I'm going to put myself under pressure and try review for a bit. I'm also supposed to be helping buck up my team's review score. Which hopefully won't be too hard. Wow, I'm so bad at this. Instead of rveiewing for you, I'm rambling a whole load of unhelpful rubbish. Hardly helpful neh?

Ok, I'll shut up now and get on with things.

PurpleHeart wrote:My heart has been a toy for you What do you mean by toy exactly? I think you've left this a little to brief and unexplained, not that you should go on and add a whole list of description, I just think that toy is such a bland and uninteresting word that at the best of times doesn't give us much feeling at all or inlook into what this person has been doing to your heart.
A cheap entertainment at best
So now I'll kindly ask you By using kindly here you almostmake me think, you still don't want to hurt this person for what he's done? I know, well I think, that's not your intention so maybe add a word that portrays what you really mean? For examply; So now I'll ask through gritted teeth, to unclench your greedy fists.
To unclench your greedy fists.If this person was only toying with your heart, why would he be holding on to it greedily? If he/she doens't mean that much to the person, the person will hardly hold on greedily now?

You told me that you loved me
I never guessed you'd lie What are you trying to say here? That you knew he didn't love you?
You told me to jump; I did for you We're getting a little confusing here, jump down what? A cliff? If thats so, what made you jump? I think we're lacking detail here to help us see what you really want us to see. So far, without being harsh here, I think you're just filling in words that look good.
But you watched as I fell down and cried.

You left my mind so closed Left your mind closed? Closed? How? What? Again, this doesn't make much sense. You can close your mind by toying with someones heart? DETAIL IS NEEDED.
My heart you left in tatters Lovely, this is what I want all the way through...
I believed every lie that you spoke Quite a bland line.
Until my whole world shattered. You believed the lies until what? You found out? Your world can't just shatter out of utter nothingess? Again, I stress this; DETAIL.

Broken, I picked up the pieces I know, you can do it; this line is lovely.
In tears, I smiled through pain Again, beautiful.
Slowly, I put my heart back together
The heart that you had trained. This is a beautiful stanza but I think trained cuts out the flow here. It's just me being nit-picky but I think another word would fit better here. I don't have one on me to substitute.

You trained it to remember
You trained it to be weakThe repeat of train here, is tacky and disturbs the flow.
And even now I can't help
But tocut out the to hang on to the words that you speak.

You cost me so much
Friendships and love
I think I've finally reached the point
At this point I've had enough.Reptition of point doesn't read right. Maybe change to; I think I've finally reached the point, where I've really just had enough.

I'm going to walk away now
Please don't follow me this time Again, if this person doesn't love her/him and is only playing with her/his heart, why would this person follow? And the mention of this time suggests its happened before?
I need to get away from you
I'm fed up with your old lies.

I think I've reached a safe place
You barely cross my mind
My heart even fails to remeber you
It's been a while since I've cried.

I had the strength to walk away
From your tricks and your twisted games
I've reclaimed what's rightfully mine:
The heart you tried to train. I'm not sure I like this line. You started off this stanza so well and the last lines ruins it. Maybe change it to something more meaningful and deep. It'll show off the talent I know you have.

I say I've thrown out your memory
That I'm over and done with you
And on most days I know that's right
Because I'm better off without you.

But the very worst part is
After all that we've been through
If you ever asked me
I'd still walk through hell for you.

Alright.
I found this poem all in all o.k It didn't do anything major for me, if I'm honest, I thing with the little tiny glimpses of your real talent I think you could do better. Most verses were a little bland and confusing without much detail at all and then sometimes you really showed my that you could write and that description and imagery was really your thing. For examply the last stanza;

But the very worst part is
After all that we've been through
If you ever asked me
I'd still walk through hell for you

This was by far the best stanza and the most enjoyable. It was heartfelt and I could really relate to the way the MC was feeling. You didn't use to much detail but the way you wrote and the whole flow of it suggested you'd put more time and effort into making me and other readers feel happier to reach the end because we knew the journey she/he's gone through.

Poetry needs to be either really descriptive and packed with imagery, full of humour and lovely interesting vocab or it needs to simple but effective. I think you wanted to go with the simple but effective idea. This deosn't mean that you shouldn't go in to much detail. I think that, detail in poetry is probably the most important thing no matter for what genre. Always try and remember that to connect to your audience you need to draw and lure them in with powerful words and simpler ideas or feelings they can relate to. When this poem is looked over and edited, it'll be beautiful because it has that well known topic; love and the emotion you portray is easy enough to relate to.

You did do a grand job on this but to fill its full potential, you need to add more detail and spend more time at it.

Hope I helped and if I didn't or even if I did drop a note on my profile and I'll do my best to answer your questions.

Thanks and good luck!

Kagi x