Cupid

I was bored one day and thought of my ex, so I came up with this. Please be critical, I want to be come better


I gave you everything, and you asked for more,
yet you are still what l adore,
I had so much more before, I wish you were what I could abhor.

I asked you for one thing, yet you gave me nothing,
I guess it was all just a bluff,
I was never enough.

Now I’m sitting here, you gave me my biggest fear.
I’m all alone, and my mind is blown,
What you gave me, you took back beautifully.
I was so stupid, the only one shot by Cupid.

I gave you everything, yet and you asked for more add comma here
yet Yyou are still what l adore comma here
But I had so much more before. you need to fill in this line, it's not long enough. Read it out loud and you will see what i mean.

I asked you for one thing, yet you gave me nothing
I guess you were only bluffing, you were never loving the part where i bolded could be re-worded so that it's more unique and makes more sense.

Now I’m sitting here, you gave me my biggest fear. very relatable
I’m all alone, and I can only groan. this rhyme seems forced
What you gave me, you took back beautifully. This is a GREAT line!!
I trusted you with everything, and you took it. you already you the verb 'too take' in the last line, use a different one.
I was so stupid, I guess I was the only one shot by Cupid. Really clever ending

keep writing, I'd love to see more from you
-KatTrain

I like it! However, take out some of the words such as yet and now because it messes up the rhyming... Other than that it was pretty good .

Micheley wrote:I gave you everything, yet you asked for more
You are still what l adore
But I had so much more before.

This might just be me, but I think this stanza is a bit too mouthful. I can see that you are trying to rhyme, however, the second and third line sounds a bit off beat. With the second line, I think it's the word 'what' that trips it up a bit. I'd, personally, not try to rhyme at all. But if you absolutely want to, maybe play around with the words a little, see what fits best. With the third line, the more and before combo at the end doesn't really flow well.

Micheley wrote:I guess you were only bluffing, you were never loving

I agree with KatTrain about this line. Try to re-word it a bit. I'd have put, 'I guess you were only bluffing, never really loving.' Or something like that.

Micheley wrote:I’m all alone, and I can only groan.

This line sounds really awkward. Maybe it's because of the rhyme, forced rhyming is never good, it stands out and trips the poem up.

Micheley wrote:I was so stupid, I guess I was the only one shot by Cupid.

Nice ending, rather unique I say.

So, I think you need to think about your wording a little bit. Say it out loud, does it flow? Does it sound long, winding and unnecessary? If it does then you might need to reword it a bit. Even taking out a single word could make it a whole lot better. Also, you might want to focus less on rhyme and more on flow. Because I noticed a rhyme that sounds forced here and there, which can really mess up the flow and trip the poem over. Keep writing

Hey there, Micheley! Nice to meet you! The name’s lilymoore, First Lady of the Good Ship YWS! (Okay, not really, but I can dream, can’t I?)

I’ve really only got two things to comment on:

Rhyme

It took me a moment to catch on that there was a rhyme scheme in here at all. You did a fairly awesome job of not forcing your rhymes which is really great. Just be careful not to do what you did with this line:

I trusted you with everything, and you took it.

You completely drop the rhyme in this line and that really throws someone like me off a good bit. Definitely be watchful that if you start something, you also finish it.

Last line

The last line of a poem should always have a good bit of KICK! POW! KABLAM! It’s the last line so it has to pimp slap the reader off their chair. The thing is, your last line is very wordy.

I was so stupid, I guess I was the only one shot by Cupid.

I sat here for a bit and thought on this for a while and if I were you, I would consider snipping out the bits that I’ve crossed out in the quoted bit. At least to me, I think the line has a bit more kick.


If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a note on my wall! Good luck and happy writing!