Scranton

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Dust embraces the morning
Like a freshly fallen dew
And the steam from the tipple
Extols its weary wisdom,
Chanting in whistles and
The grinding of rotors.

The unquestioning miners
enter into the raped earth,
pulling away its sad remains
and carry it out in wheelbarrows.

The mystic monotone of day
sets like a fog
On the people.
The children run down the
concrete road to the brick schoolhouse
to learn abstractions which
escape the dome of ordinary
in which they are inevitably,
eternally, enmeshed.

The tunnels fill with
metallic sounds and
oily thoughts, drifting
from the small piece of
imagination spared in
these laborers.

The walls of the shaft
moan in pain, but
their cries are unheard.
artificial air sweeping
through the darkness,
dancing the dust into hair
and eyes, twirling and
dipping back to the same place.

In procession they walk
to their quiet homes,
the day dead
and they the pallbearers.
Reverently, they walk up
the stairs and into beds
they fall, with black masks
of work.
Last edited by timjim77 on Thu Jun 05, 2008 6:42 am, edited 1 time in total.




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This flows nicely, but there are a few moments where the break in the flow is a hinderance to the piece. And you do it in every stanza, but it just doesnt work. Especially in the second stanza. I kinda made me not like it. OTher than that the illiteration and use of metaphre is nice.
Its a little too dark for its own good. Especially since dark, emo/goth poetry is so overdone at this point. Not the whole thing, just the way it ends. But thats just a personal preference for hating goth poetry, and any resemblance to it.
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I personally thought this was beautiful. I love your newly expanded vocabulary, and the images keep my enrapt. Dark is not always a bad thing, as it can breed the most beautiful sides of poetry.
Carpe Diem.



Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, you eat for a day. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.
— Ron Swanson (Parks and Rec)