Mr. Angel...[Chapter 1-part two] ALIA

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As the girls’ saw me coming near, I can swear the look they gave me, undoubtedly reflected their feelings about readily wanting to kill me.I bet they saw the smile the stranger was giving me and infuriated them. I’m a brave girl and anyway, I really wasn’t afraid of them.
The Stranger, although, had the opposite reaction to my approach. All the sadness wiped from his face. Joy had taken its place instead. I couldn’t wrap my head around his reaction, but it still brightened my mood. At least, someone is happy to see me, and I smiled.
Why was I smiling! God, I think I’m finally loosing my mind. This is the payback from the time I didn’t when Sam- I stopped short. I had promised myself I wouldn’t think about him, but it came back anyway. I composed myself and again looked at him. His face reflected the same hurt that I was sure I had on my face about a minute ago. He looked so old in that mask of agony; it looked as if it was crippling him from inside, just like it did to me. When I thought about Sam.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breadth to calm myself. I was not going to think about him, I was not going to be sad today. I was angry and in order to pass that mood I’m going to have fun. I was not going to think about... I chanted in my mind again and again. I slowly opened my eyes again and saw him again wearing the same joyful smile and I felt better at once.
Why was I feeling happy for God’s sake? Why was his smile making me forget everything? His smile had a hypnotic effect on me, like he was radiating energy in high spirits and I had to feel happy no matter what. I was such a fool. I was going to have fun and enjoy and forget about the paper till tomorrow. I walked towards him.
“Hi...” I started.
“Hello,” he replied with the same smile on his face again. It was getting a bit irritating now...
“I’m Alia. You are..?” I had no idea how to talk to boys much less flirt with them, when you needed a date to cheer yourself up. I had only one boyfriend till now and I had broken up with him after Sam. After Sam I had gone less in socializing and had been mostly alone except for my best friend Alexis. She would give me advice in situations like this, but she isn’t here right now. She is with her parents in Hawaii for her holiday. She wanted me to come with her and for the first time, in a long time I had agreed, but this paper came in between-
“I’m Danny,” the stranger replied, bringing me back to the present.
“So, Danny you wanna have a bite?” what the hell was I saying. I suck at flirting; he’ll just stare at me like I was mad and bail.
Instead, he laughed. “Sure, why not,” he replied sweetly.
He gently closed my mouth, that’s when I realized it was hanging open. I held myself in check and was about to speak, when he added, “You were going to Harpy’s, right? But I think it’s already closed.”
“How did you know I was going to Harpy’s?” I asked suspiciously, with all the dramatics. My eyes scrutinizing his face and my lips set in a hard line. He laughed at my expression and said, “You were going in that direction so...” he gestured towards the street that would have taken me to the diner if I wasn’t here standing, talking to a stranger and trying to be spontaneous. I was still hungry and my food is just around the corner, if...
“You wanna have a bite?” He asked and maybe my expression already told him it was beyond a bite to saturate my hunger, so he continued. ”Let’s go,” he took my hand and started walking towards the black limo.
The twelve pencil necks were watching this, with their mouths hanging open. They looked beyond confused, that an ordinary girl had stolen the charming Stranger from them. Anyway, I didn’t care much about them, but I surely felt proud.
A driver came out and opened the door for us, it felt so royal and so spontaneous. As I entered the limo I saw the plush leather seats and wooden cabinets. The leather smelled of sweet strawberry juice. Weird, maybe he likes it. The faint smell of wood smother mixed with the sweet juice was almost unbearable, but I didn’t say anything. He sprayed the switched on the car air-freshener, as if I had the exact words and not thought them. The perfume filled the inside of the car with the sweet smell of freesia.
There was a wide screen at the very back and rock music was blazing from somewhere. The music wasn’t loud, just comfortable. I couldn’t recognize the song, but it felt good. I was quite rich myself but we didn’t own any limo’s in India. The one’s my father owned were prohibited for us and only used for business. So, it was a new experience for me and I somewhat liked it.
Once we were seated, the driver was speeding towards whatever destination Danny had asked him to take us to.

Continued...
Last edited by ChocolateMoonLight on Sun Jul 24, 2011 11:47 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Hey Rooh! Shrubs here to review on request. :)

As the girls%u2019 see me coming near, I can swear the look they gave me, undoubtedly reflected their feelings about readily wanting to kill me.
It's in present tense, right?

The Stranger, although, had the opposite reaction to my approach.
You don't need a capital 's' for stranger until or unless it's noun, which it isn't. If you want to highlight it, then you could maybe try italicizing it.

[center]W
hat the hell was I saying. I suck at flirting; he%u2019ll just stare at me like I was mad and bail.
[/center]

Okay, through with some minor grammar blips. I'll review your thoroughly now.

So, what I think of this story in the beginning has to be confusing. I wasn't sure of the setting. It wasn't until the guy mentioned her getting to the diner that I realized where this was situated in. What I mean is that your starting was really confusing and I didn't understand why the girls were giving her such looks. Did she know them from before? Or were they treating her this way because they were of some other race and she was an Indian? Also, how many of them there were and how they looked. It was all so absurd.

Secondly, I think that the whole story didn't seem like the first chapter of a novel. You have to work out on a lot. I mean, the characters, the set drop and everything. The concept is interesting but the chapter didn't have much of a aim. There was no purpose for me. Maybe it's going to a date after which she'll find her somebody, but I can't keep guessing.

Your descriptions should be here for how the guy looks. Also, when the limo came in front of her, she didn't seem surprised, and for a second I thought she knew him from before. I mean, how many times would you be offered to sit in a limo in your life. So in that sense I don't think there was much enthu in the girl. Also, he just kept smiling. That seemed a bit weird. There must have been something more that made her sure he was looking for her.

On the positive side, you have a smooth grammar and there are some good sentences here and there in the whole story. I don't know what is going to happen next which in a way is nice since you've set the atmosphere for the story. So, keep it up, and lemme know when you post more.

~Shrubs
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Hey Rooh!

So, I read this couple of hours back and now, here to review!

First thing I want to say is that this got me a little confused. See, when you started last chapter, and told us her name, I figured okay, Indian girl, probably in India. And then, the diner's name and now these peoples' names and the limo make me believe that she's an Indian, presumably in the US or something, right?

Grammar:
There were a couple of punctuation trouble and some grammatical errors, but I'm not going to highlight that. If you want me to, just PM me.
I found that you mix up tenses a lot. It used to happen to me too. I'd suggest you read over what yuou've written and pick out the tenses that are wrong and shift it. It's pretty easy to correct it all.

Description:
This chunk pretty much lacks description. She smiles. He smiles. She notices him. She notices the other girls. Besides pencil-necks, she should be able to identify things about these people. Also; if she like Danny, she should be noticing all of him. And maybe describe that smile that's got her so interested. And her reaction to the limo. And instead of just physical description of the seat, you could throw in some more like how it smelled or the music. And what was her reaction to him owning a limo? All these would make your character more believable.
Or, here:
Once we were seated
How soft was it? How did it feel? It would be lovely to have more description.

Plot:
I have no idea where its heading and while this is a big good thing, I should like to see a bit of information on what will be happening. But it's not a big issue.

As the girls’ saw me coming near, I can swear the look they gave me, undoubtedly reflected their feelings about readily wanting to kill me. I’m a brave girl and anyway, I really wasn’t afraid of them.
This was really intense. In the sense that why are they so angry about her? Do they know she's going to take him out? And why aren't they angry at each other if they all want this guy? I agree that they'll be mad-ish, but maybe reduce the tone?

The pencil necks were watching this, with their mouths hanging open.
I don't think I can imagine them with mouths open. I think it'd be more realistic if they were ill-talking about Alia.

On the bright side, I'm intrigued. I want to see the plot you're building. And you're sentences have good structure!
PM me if you have questions.

Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hii,
Again, the tense thing. It keeps jumping from past tense to present tense. Also, her getting into the limo with a stranger and stuff is totally unrealistic. To me, at least. Shouldn't she be hesitant about getting into a car with a stranger? Or, if it's like some magnetic she-can't-stay-away-from-him thing, then show it. Like have her think she's going crazy for getting into a limo with a stranger.

I was quite rich myself but we didn’t own any limo’s in India. The one’s my father owned were prohibited for us and only used for business.


That's just bragging. o.O
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.




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Hii,
Again, the tense thing. It keeps jumping from past tense to present tense. Also, her getting into the limo with a stranger and stuff is totally unrealistic. To me, at least. Shouldn't she be hesitant about getting into a car with a stranger? Or, if it's like some magnetic she-can't-stay-away-from-him thing, then show it. Like have her think she's going crazy for getting into a limo with a stranger.

I was quite rich myself but we didn’t own any limo’s in India. The one’s my father owned were prohibited for us and only used for business.


That's just bragging. o.O
We're all a little weird. And life's a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.




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Hola! Haha! Me again!!!!!! :D
Sorry I misread the title! There's a part 2! Haha!
Okay, so, I love this second part!
“So, Danny you wanna have a bite?” what the hell was I saying. I suck at flirting; he’ll just stare at me like I was mad and bail.

This was actually quite funny!!!!!!! I like the 'suck at flirting' line!!! Humorous!!! Haha! :D
Going to read chapter 2~! :D
blahblahblha



There are those who say that life is like a book, with chapters for each event in your life and a limited number of pages on which you can spend your time. But I prefer to think that a book is like a life, particularly a good one, which is well to worth staying up all night to finish.
— Lemony Snicket