Run, Fat Boy, Run! Part 1

This is not a continuation of the series I had written a few years ago. This is merely a rewrite.
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Run, Fat Boy, Run!
A memoir about me, you and most other people. But mostly me.

Part 1


May 13, 2011

So, I’ve been sitting here staring at this blank Microsoft Word 2007 document for about a half hour, wondering the best way to start this. At first, I repeatedly typed a sentence or two and then BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE until that blinking cursor floated over the empty, white page again. Except for the date, which is currently sitting idle at the top of the page. Yeah. It’s May 13th, 2011 at about 11:25 at night. And now I’m here, in my underwear and a T-shirt wondering the best way to start this.

What the hell am I doing? Well. Let me tell you.

I’m writing a life-changing story. That’s right. Something so profound and unique and freaking brilliant that I’ll soon be published and appearing on a two hour special of Oprah. They’ll watch Oprah interview me about my journey and every last little eye in that studio will be wet with inspiration, and then I’ll appear on the cover of Life’s annual issue of America’s Most 100 Influential People of the Year. My life story will change the hearts and weight of people all across America. I’ll be shaking the President’s hand with one hand and holding a plaque of recognition with the other. Paparazzi will trail me like a loyal dog, taking highly photogenic pictures of me. I’ll be in this ultra sexy suit with a black tie and perfectly white teeth that shine with the flash of the cameras. There’s going to be this flock of girls (pretty girls too!) that will swarm me and want to just score one touch of my hand or suit pant or something. I’ll have this buff bodyguard that’ll make sure I arrive from Point A to Point B without being shot or molested or anything.

It’ll be great.

I’ll be great.

No longer will I be Fat Boy. No longer will I have to hide myself from my friends. I’ll have this totally awesome reason to show myself to the world, proclaiming to every nation, kindred and tongue, “I did it!” Me, this overweight and freakishly tall chip off the ol’ block kid. I did it.

Well. I haven’t done it yet. But soon. I promise.

So, I’m thinking I should probably give you a brief introduction of who I am and what I’m actually trying to accomplish here. But quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about what you want slash need to know. This isn’t for you. This is for me. Well, in a way I suppose this is for you, once I become famous and all, because you’re going to read this and realize, “Wow. This Fat Boy kid is freaking amazing.” But for now, this is my journal. My little sanctuary where I can be 100% me. Where I won’t have to hide from anyone. I promise to write in this journal every day. It’s just you and me, little Microsoft Word 2007 document. You and me, bud. Well. You and mostly me. Okay. Pretty much only me.

Me.

Fat Boy.

I’m ready.

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Most sections will be around this same length. Short, sweet and to the point. Just like Fat Boy.

-Jared

Hi BBB. I actually really liked this. Your style was natural, straight forward, and refreshing. I have always wanted to write a novel length memoir, so I would love to see where this one goes.

One thing that bothered me was how confident this boy seemed. The plot is that this boy learns that he can do things and that he is good the way he is right? That is what I think is going to happen anyway. So, where is that plot going to go when he already 'knows' he is going to be awesome. I am not a very confidant person and I never think I can do anything. It just seems like if you keep his confidence up his character would be muddled.

Another thing I noticed was this is kind of predictable. If I was right in my little prediction above it is anyway. Is there a twist in the plot? If there isn't you might want to make there be one. Yes, I do realize that this is supposed to be about you right? But you can tweak things to make them better than real life. Just like you can change a story you tell to your friends to make you the hero and so on.

For some reason this part just doesn't seem right:

No longer will I have to hide myself from my friends.

If they are his true friends why would he have to hide from them. I know a lot of unpopular people at they almost always have at least one person the confide in.

I am sorry I couldn't help you more with this. P.M. me if you have any questions.

Thanks,

Calli

I really enjoyed reading this, I liked how you show the dream and the boy's goal and then show the reality of who he is now, I also enjoyed how you personified the Microsoft word Document. I only like your style and your conversational tone that really engages with the reader.

There seems to be a hint of humour here but then you suddenly switch to a serious note when you talk about not having to hide from his friends. To me this feels too abrupt.

But overall this is very compelling and I cant wait to read more.

Hi there, Bear!

I'm not going to do any nit-picks of this, because I generally don't nit-pick dialogue (I don't want to interfere in the character's voice) and the way this is written makes it feel like it's all virtually dialogue. Also, there isn't really all that much to nit-pick about it--on a technical level, everything seems pretty solid and the flow is casual and easy to read.

In fact, I'm sort of having a hard time remembering that this piece is fiction, since it's written so well. I feel like I could be reading someone's blog. It feels cruel of me to criticize anything about it because... well... you wouldn't go criticizing someone's blog, would you? So all in all I think you've done an excellent job with the voice. It feels very from-the heart and almost scarily realistic. You've captured something disturbingly American about the whole "I just want to be famous" mindset, and I'm quite interested to see where you go with this.

That said, I'm really not sure there's anything negative I can point out about this piece. It's a good intro, and it makes me want to read more. I wish you'd posted more of it, but that's hardly a literary criticism.

One complaint that I do have is that parts of it feel very superficial. For example:

Well. I haven’t done it yet. But soon. I promise.

He doesn't sound very determined to me. Even now, when he's first starting, he knows that his dream of fame is impossible, doesn't he? He knows he'll never be on Oprah, right? It seems like he does. He seems almost sarcastic, actually. Like he's making fun of himself just by writing this. But then the question arises: who is he actually writing for? If he's writing this for himself, then why isn't he completely honest? I have a feeling he's doing this as a way to motivate himself, but why put up a facade of optimism when writing to one's self? Then there's the option that he really is writing this for other people, like he says he is--but it almost feels to me like the only reason he'd bring other people into this would be to keep him from failing--to keep him writing something every day. Then this really starts to feel like a blog, and I kind of wonder if maybe it is/should be a blog?

Anyhow, I doubt I've said anything helpful, but I hope I've at least said something interesting. I'll be keeping an eye on this--I'd like to see where it goes.

Please PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions at all.

a

Hi!
I like your sense of humor, it brings a lot to the story. The detail was nice, not over used or under used and the plot is quite interesting and I would love it if you wrote more. I didn't notice any grammer or punctuation issues, so thats good.
I like the simplicity of it, yet it has a lot of potential. I am really excited for this series and can't wait for more!
Thank you so much for posting it and I hope to see more writing like this from you soon!

BTW, I would really appreciate it if you could keep me posted as to when the next one is coming out.

I love this.

I really, really, want to do a long, thorough, constructive review. It's what I'm used to doing, now. I like doing it. I like helping. I like giving my opinion.

My opinion is that this is awesome.

The last paragraph did seem to be a bit fragment-heavy, but that could be written off (heh) as writing style, so I think you're good.

I like this Fat Boy. Are we ever going to learn his real name? Or is he going to become one of those characters whose true identity is never known?


And I absolutely love pieces that are "short, sweet, and to the point." (It has nothing to do with the fact that it's the only kind of thing I write. Nope. None at all. ;3)

Good job on this piece! I'm looking forward to more. Will there be other characters, like a diary or something? Or will it be all introspection? Either way, this looks like something I want to follow.

...wow, for some reason the girls really went for this...

Hello, Mr. BigBadBear/Mr. Jared. Somehow I'm a bit scared of those kinds of usernames. [LOL] But anyway, that's irrelevant. Seen this piece on the front page (congrats on that) and thought I'd drop by to say, "Hello! I'm Jash and I'm here for a quick review."

Let's start...

I think I've here some nitpicks. Aren't very serious ones anyway.

Something so profound and unique and freaking brilliant that I’ll soon be published and appearing on a two-hour special of<on?> Oprah.

, and then I’ll appear on the cover of Life’s annual issue of America’s Most 100 Influential People of the Year.

Separate this in a new sentence.

There’s going to be this flock of girls (pretty girls too!) that will swarm me and want to just score one touch of my hand or suit pant or something.

OK, maybe here you should have said like, "and should I mention most (or some) are pretty?..." or however else you'd say that. 'Cause the problem I see here is that, why is there a too. Whatever you do, they're still girls. They're part of the said "flock of girls". Unless, of course, you say, "flock of unattractive girls..." then you can insert that, "pretty girls, too!" Am I making sense? I hope I am. But this isn't serious. You see, I'm just trying to nitpick here and help out.

And that's pretty much it. Overall, I love the way you've made it "short, sweet and to the point." I am actually starting to like Fat Boy. You know, there's this funny thing while I was reading it: you made it seem like you were really talking to me, and the FB (Fat Boy, not facebook) was like, "This is about me..." and I was like, "Why am I reviewing this!" Oh, it's just a novel excerpt. *breathe* So, that's a good thing. You made him realistic - very realistic actually. I like your theme, which, I assume, would be on obesity(?). Another thing I liked about it is that he used his computer for a journal, mentioning Microsoft 2007. It reminded me of my long lost journal. (My USB broke, and I kept it there 'cause I'm afraid someone would read it if I just put it in the computer.) Very unrealiable. OK, fine. Just quite.

Any, I liked this. I don't wonder why many other people had fun with this. If you keep on writing like this, this might just be the first novel I finish reading on YWS. So, keep up the good work!


CSI Jash ♥

I liked this A LOT. For one thing, it was very refreshing. A lot of writing here is intensely descriptive and metaphor heavy, so it was nice to read something a bit more straight forward. Also, I really like the character's voice as it made Fat Boy seem very realistic. This story made me laugh aloud to myself as well, which made my sister look at me a little strangely (oh well) Sorry I can't do much critique on this, but all I can think of is to demand that you to KEEP WRITING!!! I want to hear more about Fat Boy, so please don't call it quits!

Paul here!

Really digging the writing style here. I know this has been said over and over again in the comments, but "refreshing" is the first word that comes to mind when reading this. Fat Boy is really likable yet at the same time a bit narcissistic as he wrote about his delusions (?) of grandeur, which is an interesting contrast to his derogatory and outright insulting nickname. Your writing has a really nice and natural flow, and while I feel like you went just a tad overboard with the meta aspect, that aspect is still a welcome and downright fun element.

That said, I'm just going to point out just one nagging point:

There’s going to be this flock of girls (pretty girls too!) that will swarm me and want to just score one touch of my hand or suit pant or something.

I'd take out the "(pretty girls too") part. It feels a bit unnecessary and even a bit unnatural. But that's such a small complaint that I wouldn't worry about it.

All in all, this is entertaining stuff. Fun without being slapstick, and meta without being gimmicky. Can't wait for part 2!