Life is a Kiss

This is basically the second draft of another poem I wrote called Tights and Toothbrushes, except it's a little more shaped instead of all over the place. Still mostly nonsense though.

"Have fun!"
My kiss
blows
from my lips towards his cheek.
Only to miss.

Lost in the wind
And away it
Flies

Never to be received.

Rushing around the
Corner in its swirl,
Round the wall,
To see a girl

With tights on her head.
Dancing around, just... because.
Freeing herself from this world of dread.


Faster and faster.
Those words twist and
Fade
Into the falling snow.
Floating, flying,
To and fro

And trudging,
Smudging,
The crisp white bed
To see a head.

A toothbrush head
With bristles showing
Sticking
Out of fallen snow

But where... where
is the handle?

Only the kiss will know,
with its floating spirit haunting the snow.

I guess that some things in life are just like a kiss.
Some times they hit and sometimes, they miss.

Hey Crimsona!
My name is Allie, and I'll be your reviewer today!
Things that could be fixed/my thoughts are in Red.

"Have fun!"
My kiss
blows
from my lips to his cheek.
Only to miss. If ite went from your lips to his cheek, wouldn't it have hit? How about "From my lips toward his cheek, only to miss"?

Lost in the wind
And away it
Flies. I love the simplicity of this stanza. So carefree, and wonderfully choppy. Just lovely.

Never to be received. </3

Rushing around the
Corner in it's swirl,
Round the wall,
To see a girl. Love this. I picture a ball of light speeding down a hall and around a door frame to see a girl

With tights on her head.
Dancing around with the glee of life,
Free from this world of dread. I love this stanza, too. But dancing with the glee of life seems a little over a girl's head. When I picture a "girl", I see a six year old. Shouldn't she be dancing just because? Not because of the miracle of life?


"Faster Faster!" Who's saying faster? The girl? If so, why is she saying that?
Those words twist and
Fade,
Into the falling snow.
Floating, flying,
To and fro.

And trudging,
Smudging,
The crisp white bed
To see a head. What? What bed? D:

A toothbrush head
With bristles showing
Sticking
Out of fallen snow THIS IS SO RANDOM XD

But where... where
is the handle? I dunno... Where? *reads on*

Only the kiss will know,
with it's floating spirit haunting the snow.Aww. I love this! Only the kiss will know...

I guess that some things in life are just like a kiss.
Some times they hit and sometimes, they miss. Fantastic ending. strong, sweet, and simple. That's how poem endings need to be.

You lost me only in the 7th, 8th, and 9th stanzas. Other than that, this was a lovely poem! I enjoyed reading it. The simplicity and charm of it took my breath away! Positively wonderful.
It's been a pleasure reviewing this!

~Allie Rose~

Hi Crimsona,

I really enjoyed this.

The opening snipped of dialogue instantly drew me in. Your imagery works well and it flows nicely. The speaker's voice comes across very well.

I'd change lines four and five to:
"From my lips
Towards his cheek,
only to miss."

I'd also change the full-stop after "flies" to a comma because I think the isolation of "Never to be received" serves as an effective enough pause without a full-stop.

"It's" in both instances should be "its" because "It's" is always "It is" and not a show of possession.

I'd cut the full-stop after "girl."

I love:

"And trudging,
Smudging,
The crisp white bed
To see a head.

A toothbrush head
With bristles showing
Sticking
Out of fallen snow

But where... where
is the handle?"

It flows beautifully, you use langaue effectively and the imagery is fresh.

The last two lines are very effective in drawing the poem to a close.

A very enjoyable read overall.

Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions.

Jas

I loved this plus it's kind of random. I actually understand what you meant right away, in other poems it sometimes take a while before someone gets the point of the poem. Grate job keep at it.

I liked the first few stanzas then you lost me. I honestly don't get what you're trying to say! Sorry Curious curious, I am, to know what it means...so could you tell me?