Redemption

Here I sit as your last breath has been
taken.
Gone are the days filled with joy,
Gone are the days when you would console
me,
when we were both whole.

Now I look back and I see all you've
done,
all you've accomplished and done
for me when I have fallen into darkness.

I am saddened by your departure,
deeply mournful that my guide in this
life has left me.

But for all my follies,
for my hatred,
self-loathing,
and sorrow, you have taught me
to accept myself.

My life is for good now,
because of you.
I will never be whole,
but I will survive,
and ultimately find happiness.

To you I thank,
my friend the fallen,
for all that has become of me.

I am re-invigorated,
re-energized,
and reborn.

Finally,
I have redemption.

In memory of my friend who died I wrote this.

Hello! I'll be reviewing your article today. Red font represents changes I have made.

dante93 wrote:Here I sit as your last breath has been
taken.
Gone are the days filled with joy,
Gone are the days when you would console
me,
when we were both whole.

Now I look back and I see all you've
done,
all you've accomplished and done
for me when I have fallen into darkness.

I am saddened by your departure,
deeply mournful that my guide in this
life has left me. The last two lines with the 'deeply mournful' doesn't quite make sense to me. Shouldn't it be 'deeply mourning...' blah blah blah? Well, I guess if you did that, you'd have to change the rest of the stanza, too...

But for all my follies,
for my hatred,
self-loathing,
and sorrow, you have taught me
to accept myself.

My life is for good now,
because of you.
I will never be whole,
but I will survive,
and ultimately find happiness.

To you I thank,
my friend the fallen,
for all that has become of me.

I am re-invigorated,
re-energized,
and reborn.

Finally,
I have redemption.

Well, obviously I didn't find a lot wrong -only that one stanza. This poem was very nice, but it wasn't anything very deep, in my opinion. I'm sorry about your friend .
Keep writing,
TSM

Well first of all wow
this poem you can feel the passion
as if you spilled out your heart.
This poem is excellent because of the
message,I really enjoyed reading it
I can feel fearless darkness and the brutal anger.
I mean dont get me wrong there were a few grammer issues.
But thats ok because I really
look forward to reading more of your work.

Excellent job
Keep writing

-SGP Poetry

This is sad and happy. I love it. I'm really sorry about your friend, by the way.

Redemption

Here I sit as your last breath has been
taken.
Gone are the days filled with joy,
Gone are the days when you would console
me,
when we were both whole. My initial thoughts on this stanza is that its really sad, and the length of some of the lines. That might just bother me, though, because I'm a bit of a freak about that type of thing.

Now I look back and I see all you've
done,
all you've accomplished and done Done sounds off here, because of the done in the line before. I'd find something else for that.
for me when I have fallen into darkness.

I am saddened by your departure,
deeply mournful that my guide in this
life has left me. This stanza really pointed out to me that all the stanzas are different lengths. It throws the poem off a bit.

But for all my follies,
for my hatred,
self-loathing,
and sorrow, you have taught me
to accept myself. Love, love, love this stanza.

My life is for good now,
because of you.
I will never be whole,
but I will survive,
and ultimately find happiness. This stanza really shows how much your friend had opened up your eyes in a way.

To you Comma I thank,
my friend the fallen,
for all that has become of me.

I am re-invigorated,
re-energized,
and reborn. Wonderful, descriptive words.

Finally,
I have redemption.

This all together was written really well.

Now onto some other comments: The flow was pretty good, but, just to make sure it's not thrown off in some places, I'd read it aloud as you write it or edit it. It'll help you catch anything that may sound off.

Other than those things, awesome job. It was filled with a lot of emotion, both sad and happy emotions. It shows that though your sad that your friend died, it ultimately showed you something you didn't know before.

Here I sit as your last breath has been
taken.
Gone are the days filled with joy,
Gone are the days when you would console
me,
when we were both whole.

Something that I don't really like are the vague ideas, like days filled with joy. What makes them joyful and what does this mean to the overall connection that you're trying to make? How does that play into you being whole with this other? And why do they console you? These are some things that I would like to see explained and put into focus. You have the ideas here, and the emotion to back it up and make it hard hitting, it just needs the extra mile to really "bring it home."

Now I look back and I see all you've
done,
all you've accomplished and done
for me when I have fallen into darkness

I think you could condense this togeather, the accomplishment and the looking back, saying like Now looking back at all you've accomplished... And then saying what they have accomplished.
And you might want to be dodgy of the darkness thing, that's kinda like blank description in this case because it isn't really defined or anything like that. We don't really know what darkness is, I mean we have the uniform idea of it but that doesn't really help. Maybe even something concrete could help, I am not entirely sure, it's really all up to you.

The rest of the poem follows pretty much the same thing, it's not really shown or described and there's a lack of imagery to help us relate and understand what you're talking about.

If I could make levels of poetry, this would be like level one. Not bad, but it's the beginning where you're starting to figure it out and what you have to do and say and write. And as you get more descript and into the poem it gets into high levels. The higher the level- the deeper you are into it, if this makes sense, I'm trying and rambling. (pm if you want me to explain, sorry if I was confusing.)
____

Finally,
I have redemption.

In memory of my friend who died I wrote this.

This is a good ending, but you need to build up to it, and making everything else work toward this idea. The build up to this emotional stop will really help make these lines into what they are, good. Currently, they have little meaning because we have nothing to connect them to and they're basicly just there. The description that I hope you add will back them up.

Honestly, I think that's the only major problem with this poem, the description.
____
I'd like to go onto flow and structure but I'll wait to see if you update this (let me know) and then I can see what might need changing (if anything) after. Since I cannot really tell you this now and then ask to make that work into the description based on what you have here. I don't think that'd work too well.

Anyways, It's not a bad piece it just needs more depth or further exploration into the levels of this poem, what you mean, how to say it, how to show it, etc etc.
Sorry for any redundentcies that have annoyed you or anything of that sort.

Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.

First, thanks for the comments. Next, this poem wasn't really for everyone else. It was more for me, for me to look at. i appreciate the comments, I really do, but the vague ideas are those he and I shared (memories we both had of happier times in our lives). I wasn't trying to create an amazing poem. This was just something to help me through this a bit better. I will be posting another one, one I've been working on for several days, and that one will be the one you should critique. Thanks again for the comments and opinions, but nothing in this poem is changing.