Look, Ma

Look, Ma, it's your grandson . . .
Hold him tighter momma.
Watching you with him reminds,
Me of the parent I set out not to be.

As a child I would come home,
After the moon had already been up
For hours on end, just for your attention,
Or at least to pretend like you cared for me.

Take the time to look at me! Shake your head,
in disapproval, Momma! Make me cry once more.
Well look, Ma, here's your grandson.
Can you not even fake a smile for him!

You hold him as if he's a ticking time-bomb,
And if you show him affection he'll rub off on you,
Leaving clues for the police that,
You may have a heart!

Ma, . . . here's your son.
At fourteen, having to stand up,
And be the adult that you found too hard to be.
Raising a child in a world too hard too feel lonely.

Look, Ma, there goes your grandson.
From your veiny arms where blood is a possession,
To my bosom where my heart and love
Are always at attention, waiting for him.

Look Ma, maybe one day you'll open your heart,
And see much more than a waste of space.
Maybe you'll learn to love someone again, and realize
That I'm not your husband, and I won't leave you.

Maybe you'll find it within yourself
To smile once at my son. Don't you owe at least that to me?
We live in a world too harsh and cold
To ever grow up feeling lonely.

Wow. I really loved this poem. It's such an intrigiung and powerful idea of a neglected daughter? coming back to her mother to show how mothering should really be done. The first verse grabbed me with its portrayal of a grandmother not reacting to a grandson in the usual way, and through the rest of the poem this idea is explored and added to. Sorry, I'm really bad at criticisms, I just tend to see the good parts, but I think positive feedback is important as well. Oh wait, here's one! In my opinion the title could be more attention-grabbing and powerful with just Look Ma. But, you know, obviously up to you. Thanks for posting!

Wow. That was really good. Though there were a few small mistakes in there.

Look CommaMa, it's your grandson . . .
Hold him tighter Comma momma.
Watching you with him reminds
Me The M in me doesn't need to be there. of the parent I set out not to be. Great job on hooking the reader in this stanza and making them want to read more. A lot of poems and stories lack that hook, but this doesn't.

While as a child Comma I would come home
After the moon had already been up
For hours on end, just for your attention,
Or at least to Pretend! like you cared for me. Is the exclamation point really necessary here?

Take the time to look at me! I'd cry as you shook
Your head in disapproval. . .
Well Comma look CommaMa, here's your grandson.
Can you not even fake a smile for him! Question mark instead of a period.

You hold him as if he's a ticking time-bomb,
And if you show him affection Comma he'll rub off on you,
Leaving clues for the police that,
You may actually have a heart!

Well Commalook Comma Ma, . . . here's your son.
At fourteen years of age, having to stand up,
And be the adult that you found too hard to be.
Raising a child in a world too hard to also The also here isn't necessary.feel lonely.

Well Commalook Comma Ma, there goes your grandson.
From your veiny arms where blood is a possession,
To my bosom where my heart and love
Are always at attention, waiting for him.

Look Comma Ma, maybe one day you'll open your heart,
And see much more than a waste of space and money.
Maybe you'll learn to love someone again, and realize
That I'm not your husband, and I won't leave you.

Maybe you'll find it within yourself
To smile once at my son. This needs to be another line in the stanza.Don't you owe at least that to me?
We live in a world to harsh and cold
To ever grow up feeling lonely.

Other than those small mistakes, wonderful job! You really showed a lot of emotion in this.

Hello there.

Nitpicks:

Look Ma, it's your grandson . . .

- There should be a comma before 'Ma'. In the title too.
- Strictly speaking, there shouldn't be spaces before and after the periods of an ellipsis. I think it's fine though.

Hold him tighter momma.

- Comma after 'momma'

While as a child I would come home

- I don't think 'While as a child' is grammatically correct.
- Also, put a comma after 'child'.

Or at least to Pretend! like you cared for me.

- If I wrote this, I would emphasize the 'Pretend!' by simply italicizing it and without the exclamation point. But I don't think you need to change the way you emphasized that word. o.o

Your head in disapproval. . .

- The 'mistake' with your ellipsis here is that you didn't put a space after the last word. In the first line of the poem, you did, so I think you should also do that here.

Well look Ma, here's your grandson.

- Comma before 'Ma'

Can you not even fake a smile for him!

- I think you should add a question mark after that exclamation point since this is technically a question.

Well look Ma, . . . here's your son.

- I think you should put a comma after 'Well' and before 'Ma'.
- Also, I believe it's wrong to put a comma and an ellipsis right after the other. I think you should just stick with the ellipsis.

Well look Ma, there goes your grandson.
- Same thing with the commas

- Also, I don't like the repetition of the 'Well, look'. You also said 'Look' in the first line of the following verse.

Look Ma, maybe one day you'll open your heart,

- Comma before 'Ma'

And see much more than a waste of space and money.

- Money seemed to be an alien thing in the poem. o.o I mean, I think it didn't fit in the subject of the poem.

Maybe you'll learn to love someone again, and realize

That I'm not your husband, and I won't leave you.
- Wow. That was a tragic but nice twist.

We live in a world to harsh and cold

- Typo: 'too'


This is a really interesting and great poem. The story was laid out well and the emotion was laid out well too. It was just so natural and honest and sincere. And the back story of the mother was told at the right time. I think the 'problem' of this poem is that the story is a little cliché. Just a little bit though so no worries.

Awesome job. This really deserves to be featured (and so does the other featured works xD, but really).

Never stop writing!

Wow,
This was really beautiful.I don't usually comment much but I had to tell you how good it is.On the basis of poetry I think this flowed really well.The emotions were well conveyed and it kept reading till the end which doesn't happen much often. I liked the idea very much.Really loved it.This was my lame attempt of a review.Anyway I'll be looking forward to more of your work.

.... July4Ruby ....

Thank you for the help everyone i took them into consideration and tried to revise the poem im glad for your help!

Hi there.
This is very good,
The single voice narration was a great tecnique to use on this poem.
And the voice shows a lot of pent up aggression and feelings.

It's great how you used this particlulary happy event the birth of a child to show a lot of dark themes and sadness.

Good job.

That poem was very powerful, and you could feel the tension in the room. I really liked it.

It's interesting, this event. I liked the flow of it, but you don't need the commas everywhere! It drove me nuts! Commas don't need to go at the end of every line. Read it like a paragraph and put it where it should go, not at the seperation. It seems like these people went crazy with commas. -_- It's my pet peeve.

It flowed nicely and kept me interested though I did not connect to it very well. I didn't feel very well how the character felt. The beginning didn't draw me but the ending was excellent. I would work on the beginning and make it be seen the woman's disgust for her grandson. I liked the part about her:
"leaving clues for the police that
you may actually have a heart!"
(Notice the uncapitalization and missing comma, this is how it should be.) I loved this. Good job. Hope I helped some.