Junior Year. A Sequel.

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Well, it's been two years since I came up with my Falling Sun (although not since I posted it. I probably won't actually write an entire sequel but I came up with a little bit. I know what when I read a book I always want to know what happens to the characters afterwards - especially if something dramatic happens.
Rated 16+ because they talk about sex...


Junior year was enough to put it all behind me, pretend that it never happened.

I had new friends, most of whom didn’t even know about that little period in my life, and with that it was easy to forget about it.
Well, mostly forget about it.

I still had those dreams, so many of them so that months into sophomore year I had gone to bed expecting them every night. Some were better than others. There were some dreams where he would come back, he would walk into school, he would hug me and kiss me, he would promise me that he would stay with me forever. And that is all I wanted. But always, with those dreams, I would wake up. Always I would wake up and remember that he was not back, he will never be back. And with those dreams I could never go back to sleep.

There were other dreams where I would relive everything that happened. They would lead up to the moment when the car swung around the corner. When nobody saw it coming. I would awake with short sudden shrieks, the screams, his and mine, would echo through my head for hours, even when I close my eyes and begged his memory to leave.

The worst ones where the ones I didn’t except. They’d always start out like the good ones, he would come back and he would hold me. We would walk along the beach, we would kiss. But while we were kissing he would always fall still. I would open my eyes and look at him, he was dead. The next moment there would be blood. He would be covered in it and then I would be covered in it. His blood would be everywhere, in my mouth it tasted salty. Ocean and tears. I would scream and cry and wake up trembling and sweating. Those days it was hard to go to school but somehow I managed to do it.


But now I was a junior. Sophomore year, that summer, those dreams, they were all behind me. I was ready.

“If you give it all away on the first date it takes away the suspense and then the guys have nothing to look forward to, you know? If it weren’t for that I would screw him right now.” My friend Margaret was sitting at the lunch table, her legs crossed, her icy blue eyes locked onto Connor Ratting’s back.

“Is that honestly the only reason you would wait,” Anna spat back in disbelief.

Joanna laughed, a little harshly, “Don’t you have any morals.”

“It’s not about morals,” Margaret replied, “It’s about hormones.” With that, she dipped her purple nails into the pretzel bag and popped one into her mouth. “You agree with me, don’t you, Sophie?” She asked me where I was sitting innocently at the end of the table. I had been looking at Connor, too. He was easily the hottest senior in our school so why was it that I was so repelled by the thought of interacting with him whatsoever. Wasn’t it about time I started, at least looking at boys again?

“What?” I asked.

Margaret clarified, “If God didn’t want us to have sex with boys than He wouldn’t have made is so desirable. Dontcha think?”

I just shrugged my shoulders and Joanna narrowed her eyes at me, “But don’t you think there’s some value in waiting. What happened to finding the right person?”

“That’s crap,” Margaret declared. “There’s no such thing as finding the right person.”

Before anyone could argue, the bell rang and we rose from our seats, pushing past the swarm of freshman I hurried to the door and out to history.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Margaret had said. Was the right? Was there really no such thing as the right person? No use in waiting?

The memories from the summer came flooding back no matter how hard I tried to suppress them.
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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You know what the cool thing is? Despite this being a sequel, I wasn't lost. Might actually make a good story on its lonesome (though it's so early, it's hard to tell.)

Anyway, hello! I'm Rach, here to review... obviously. Hehe.

Now, the title of this isn't exactly riveting, so you might want to find a new one, but your content is good. I like your characters and I liked your dialogue. I like how you successfully balanced the angst with what was going on. We weren't being drowned by a "Poor me" party. Everything seemed realistic to moi.

This was short so there's not a ton I can comment on. But, I do have a few things for you.

First, your dialogue is strong and speaks for itself (no pun intended) so you don't need the fancy tags like 'declared' and 'replied' and 'clarified'. A simple 'said' does wonders.

Also on the dialogue note, you have some punctuation errors:

“Is that honestly the only reason you would wait,” Anna spat back in disbelief.

Joanna laughed, a little harshly, “Don’t you have any morals.”


Those should be periods instead of commas, because you can't spit words. It's not a way to speak, at least not literally. You definitely, however, cannot laugh out a sentence. You can say words and shout them and reply them and ask them, but you can't laugh them. And therefore, you need the period. (And with the 'spat back' one, I'd personally just use an indirect tag. Anna can stare at her in disbelief. It's obvious her words are on the scathing side of the scale.)

Another thing I noticed is with your description. It'd be great for a third-person POV, but you're in first, which means everything your narrator notices has to be something she'd actually notice. So if she's looking at Margaret's eyes and noticing that they're icy blue--possible, as sometimes you notice brilliant eye color every time you see the person--and looking at her nails and noticing that their purple, you can mention it. Otherwise, it's like you're a robot inside her head, forcing her to notice things.

And you build the character and the voice by having her narrate how she sees her world and her friend. The downside is that what she sees and notices might not be what the reader wants her to see and notice, but that's just first person. Something to chew on, that.

Other than that... well, this was short, so it's hard to give too much in the way of critique! Maybe I'll stalk subsequent posts.

Let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns, etc.!

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.




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I read the whole story of falling sun...from when you first posted it to this latest one...I must say I am very much impressed. I honestly think you could have these stories published. You hae an incredible talent in making you characters come to life. I think this is the only story on YWS that I've actually read through to the end and even began to reread! I'm not too good at correcting people on grammar...butI prefer to focus on the story aspect anyways. So as far as your story goes...two thumbs up. Please keep writing!
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...



What holds you betwixt panic and serenity? That is, if it's not among the many querulous quagmires unfit for elaboration.
— soundofmind as Emiliano Achillinus