My Daddy, The General

Yes, sir! I'll do the dishes,
Though my eyelids are heavily laden
With wishes of sleep.

Right, sir! I mowed the lawn,
As my legs almost gave out on me
From time to time.

Well, sir! I won't stop pushing myself,
Not after I fall down from lack of energy,
Or after I cry the pain away.

Indeed, sir! I want the privileges.
That's why I sand and paint and work and work
Untill I could do it asleep.

See, sir? I'm almost done.
The work you can't do is done all for you,
Now please may I get some rest?

Why, sir? I am sick now, and still,
I must do this work. sweep, carry, move, toil.
Any more and I will die.

No, sir. I will not do that.
All day I have pushed more, doing impossible feats.
General, I'd rather be shot.

Goodbye, sir. I'm going home now.
Under the covers and away from your wrath,
For one blissful night of sleep.

my father is actually a nice person, but he is almost scarily like a general, or someone of command. I have learned t push myself farther when I reached my max. I learned to do things I never knew I could.. At times I do want to cry, because even when I am sick I have to do work, and things that my father cannot do, because he lost a leg and is now handicapped. I still love him, but sometimes I hate his method of parenting...

Hey. Kinzee here to review.

Okay, my favorite thing about this poem had to be how you started off each stanza. It seemed like a very clever way to keep the reader hooked. So, kudos to you for doing that. Now, there are a few little grammatical errors in there that I'm going to point out.

One of the things that I'm a nazi about is commas. I sometimes add too many, and, to me, I always feel like things need more commas, though they aren't necessary. So, take everything I say about commas with a pinch of salt. ;P

Yes, sir! I'll do the dishes,
Though Comma my eyelids are heavily laden
With wishes of sleep.

Right, sir! I mowed the lawn,
As my legs almost gave out on me
From time to time.

Well, sir! I won't stop pushing myself,
Not after I fall down from lack of energy,
Or after I cry the pain away.

Indeed, sir! I want the privileges.
That's why I sand Commaand paint Commaand work Comma and work Comma
Untill One LI could do it asleep.

See, sir? I'm almost done.
The work you can't do is done Comma all for you,
Now Commaplease may I get some rest?

Why, sir? I am sick now, and still,
I must do this work. sweep, carry, move, toil.
Any more and I will die.

No, sir. I will not do that.
All day CommaI have pushed more, doing impossible feats.
General, I'd rather be shot.

Goodbye, sir. I'm going home now.
Under the covers and away from your wrath,
For one blissful night of sleep.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. You had really good grammar and punctuation, so kudos to you for that. Also, you wrote this in a very relatable way. The way a kid feels when there parents just load more and more work onto them, and you just want to lay down and sleep. So, another kudos to you for that. Awesome, wonderful job. I really enjoyed reading it.

I really liked this piece. One because it was very well written and two because I can relate... so much that it overwhelms me the similarity between what I'm reading and what I have experienced in my life with my da. I thought that the story line was capturing but the wording could be tweaked here and there. Simply for flows sake. It flowed well, and was a step away from being terrific. I'm glad that your da is a nice person and pushes you to make you stronger. But sometimes pushing is just being pushed too far, which is what I fear has happened with my da. But a lovely piece of work my friend, keep it up =]

Etonnant, you are well writ. I really like stanzas in sets of three. I tried that once and didn't like it very much. I also liked the pattern of "[insert word], sir!" at the beginning of every stanza. It created a nice mood for the piece. All in all, well writ!

Hey there Etonnant. I really liked this. I liked that it flowed well but some spots its a bit shaky but its still a fantastic read. Anyways sometimes people push their kids too far.....not that I would know personally of that. But still I liked the poem and sympathize with the topic. Keep up the good work and Happy Writing. Hope to read more soon. Sayonara and Best of Wishes.
Soulkana<3

DON'T ADD KINZEE'S COMMAS!

XD

Sorry, Kinzee.

Anyway, maybe a few of them would be good, but adding all of them would..... take away from your style, I think.

As my legs almost gave out on me

"As" doesn't sound quite right.... maybe replace it with "though".

Not after I fall down from lack of energy,

Same thing here--I think "even" would be better than "not".

That's why I sand and paint and work and work

The last "and work" isn't entirely necessary, though deleting it isn't entirely necessary either. :p

All day I have pushed more, doing impossible feats

Hmmm..... "pushed more" sounds a bit awkward. Maybe "harder" or "myself"?

I'm going home now.

You're not already home?

Goodbye, sir. I'm going home now.
Under the covers and away from your wrath,
For one blissful night of sleep.

(Eh, I'll just quote the whole thing. ) Again, something seems just a tad bit off. May add "To slip" to the front of the second line? I think you should also replace the second period with a hyphen.


You might want to put that last part in a spoiler. Sets it apart from the poem a bit better. (I don't care much, but.... )

Overall, this was great! There were just a few rough spots, I think. And in my recommendations, I took into account that your poem doesn't depend on rhythm and meter as much as other styles, so I think adding a syllable or two to certain lines would be okay.

Actually, it's great that you can (if the last part is true-to-life) stand up to your dad in the end. I know, I know (I'm talking to my conscience ;p) kids shouldn't rebel. Well, parents shouldn't treat their kids like privates. (....that sounds weird when not taken in a military context. O.O)

....anyway. I keep wanting to say "I'm sorry about your dad", but then I feel like it won't do any good, it's not my fault, and... yeah. Good job! Thanks for posting this. I really did enjoy reading it.

Hey.. So I've come to review.. I found the topic quite interesting so I came.. Well I must say its brilliant.. Like kinzzy, I will also say that the starting to each stanza was very nice. Then this character you have created 'The general' is also very nice.. You did a good job as he sounded just like the generals and officers I've come across (and I have met many of them as my father is in the military).. So overall it was a nice one and good laugh.. My father read it over y shoulder and said 'Wow!! Hmm.. Hope I'm not that kind of Officer!!" and then he laughed too!!
Harshita:)

This was an entertaining piece. The way you began each stanza maintained interest throughout your poem and it makes me glad that I've never had a strict father figure. Even though I did not go through what the protagonist of this piece did, it still manages to feel relatable if that makes sense... I could imagine myself working away and saying 'Yes sir!' all the time. It was thoroughly entertaining.

Hello there! Nice title.

Nitpicks:

Yes, sir! I'll do the dishes,
Though my eyelids are heavily laden
With wishes of sleep.

- First of all, this a nice and really catchy opening.

Untill I could do it asleep.

- That should be 'Until'.

Now please may I get some rest?

- I think you should put a comma after 'Now'.

I must do this work. sweep, carry, move, toil.

- It should be a colon after 'work'.


I really like this poem. It's entertaining and interesting to read. And I love the pattern and rhythm of the poem. The wording and the simplicity of it is nice too. I wonder how many times I've said this but, it makes it easier and more comfortable for the reader to read. My problem is, the title said it's her daddy but at the last verse, it was said that she's going home. It made me think like she was a servant and not a servant-like daughter. If you meant 'home' the other way, I just wish it could be clearer. Other than that, nice job!

Anyway, it's sad about your dad though. o.o

Never stop writing!

I really loved it. I could imagine a little soldier doing this. It sucks that your dad is like that but I guess he's trying to make you a stronger person? It's a great poem and I loved the pattern at the beginning of the stanzas. It really hooked me right it. I also loved the flow of it. I wouldn't reccommend adding the commas in because some of them are wrong, and that would mess up the flow. Keep it how it is.

The last stanza hit me like a bucket of water. I LOVED IT!!! Don't you dare change it because it's awesome. It is my favorite part of the poem.

Good job! I send you thanks and love for writing this.