Double Bass

How was I to know,
That a gentle, swift stroke
Of your bow would make me
Fall deeply in love?
At a time when my future was all planned out,
And my thoughts were full of textbooks and music notes?
Adulthood just beyond my reach,
Childhood barely behind me.

How would I have known,
That pizzicato could be so....fluent?
If you had not stood on stage
And played it directly to my heart?
School uniform reminds me
That you are still a boy, a mere teen,
Who can play out a thousand emotions
With just a pinch of your strings.

How was I supposed to know,
That you were completely oblivious
To my casual wonderings
And your desires did not equal mine?
Your hopes and dreams all laid out
Were figments of my imagination
And the tenderness that I detected within your soul,
Were deceptions from my memory.

I play the Cello.
You play the Double Bass.
So alike, yet too different,
To be the same.

Ooh finally, someone that refers to the cello =]. I really liked this a lot. It flowed nicely and the wording in general was very sophisticated and very very much up to par. I like how you set things up, it was sort of off kilter, which is something I usually go for in my own writing style. Impressive work.

This was written beautifully. I really don't have anything bad to say about it, the metaphors you used were great, your writing style was fabulous. Just wonderful job altogether.

Hi there, LenieLacey. Okay, so I love this, not much people write about their passion for an instrument. This was amazingly worded, I must tell you. Great job!

Music is something that I love since I was a little kid. When I was three I told my momma I wanted to be a violinist, and I waited until I was eleven for my first lessons. Yeah, that baby is my true love. *pats her violin* xD

But anyways, that's out of topic. What I wanted to say is that punctuation in this poem would make it look nice, but then again... it's not obligatory. And I wanted to point something out:

LeonieLacey wrote:How would I have known
That pizzicato could be so....fluent?

Those ellipses, if you're wanting to make a pause... I think it would be better like this:
How would I have known
That pizzicato could be so --fluent?
But that's just me! xD

LeonieLacey wrote:That you are stiil a boy, a mere teen,

I spotted a typo on "still".

Other than that I love your poem, it's amazing. Keep writing!

~Solvy <3

Thanks everybody!
Hi Solvalery, yes, you're right, I love my Cello. I've only been playing it for a few months, but its great, i love all string instruments really. I hadn't written a good poem in a very, very long time, so it was a surprise when this poem just poured out of my brain and onto the paper. The idea really came about though when i fell for this amazing double bass player in my music school-all this emotion was teaming at the surface and next thing i knew i was writing it down.
Anyways, thank you for the review, i found it very helpful and yes, i will.

Hey there, Leonie! Glad to see you back and posting on the site. ^.^

So right off the bat, I want to say that I love the idea in this poem. It’s a romantic poem, obviously, but it’s not the generic kind of romantic poem which I do really like because you’re using the Cello and the Double Bass to tie it all together. There are two things, though, that I wanted to point out that I think could use a little improving.

Questions

I get nagged at about this all of the time for asking questions that really don’t need answering. The same applies here. If the question doesn’t need to be asked, don’t worry about asking it. State it. It feels more solid for the reader.

Staying the Same

Throughout the poem anyways. Your structure in the first three stanzas is very similar and the last is on its own. That’s not even much of an issue. It’s a bit sonnet-y. However, there’s nothing even remotely similar to the two parts. Your first three stanzas are freer and the lines are definitely longer and have a lot of description in them. Then you have that last stanza, my favorite actually, that is very clean and simple and to the point. Try to find some way to make the two blend together better. Even if it slowly progressed from lots of description to a little less, I think that the poem as a whole would have a much cleaner shape and structure.


Otherwise, I did really like this. It’s not often you have musical romantic poems so I was delighted to see it. Good job and keep writin’ Leonie!

Hi lilymoore,thank you for reviewing this.
In response to your first point, i agree with you about it because i didnt realise that before. However, i think that if i stated those questions instead of asking them now, i would be changing a large part of the poem, and i am afraid that i would not be able to recognise it as the poem i wrote in the beginning. Thanks for pointing this out though, and i will certainly take it into account for future writing.
I also understand your second point, and i will try to think of a way which i can improve on this.
Thanks again
Leonie