Stay-At-Home Blues

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Points 6076
Reviews 134
Mom says,
A hundred-and-one-point-two!
Today, I think,
no school for you.

Yes! No school!
No dumb Français!
Just stay at home
and nap all day!

Dad bikes to work
Sam goes to school
I’m all alone
when mom leaves for the pool.

The minute the door shuts
I hop out of bed
but have to sit down
from the ache in my head.

My throat is fire
my head spinning fast
I quickly pop a Tylenol—
relief at last!

The hours trickle by
in my boring old room
where there’s nothing to do,
almost feels like a tomb.

And I lie on my bed
wishing hour after hour
that I’d washed my hands better,
taken that extra shower.

But no, I’m confined,
my esophagus in bloat
because of the bacteria
that's known as Strep Throat.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a psychologist.




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Gender Female
Points 6915
Reviews 115
I love this, I really did. A lot of times rhyming poems sound sing-songy or forced but I thought this was perfect.
My only real critique is that the shower line doesn't fit as well as the other ones. But your poem made me laugh, especially no dumb francais because my first thought when I stay home is how happy I am to miss French. Good work :)
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince




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Gender Female
Points 7340
Reviews 205
Hai.

Your title caught my attention, as today was one of those days for me. I woke up with a severe migraine and chocked down some tablets before I could get sick. Lovely eh?

Anyway, that's irrelevant at the given moment so I'm hopefully going to get on to the helpful part and serve you up a wonderfully hot sandwich. In other words, I'm going to review for you. :)

Ok, so as I already mentioned, the title really dragged me over here. It was catchy and had a little hint that there was going to be something slightly funny. I like a good, mischievous title. After all a title is want makes a novel a bestseller and a poem... a famous poem. :lol: a title is want makes someone pick a book of the shelf, if this was on a shelf, I'd pick it up straight away. Metaphorically, I did. I clicked on this the minute I read the title so think you already tackled the 'catchy title thing.'

On to the poem itself, I think you should establish whether you want this to rhyme or not. When you started it off, I was sure it was going to rhyme. You had kind of an ABAB rhyming scheme going on in the first stanza but as you moved on it went slightly off. I think make a definite decision; rhyme or no rhyme. Personally I think, a rhyming scheme would really enhance the whole poem.

The idea was really quirky and honest with little sparks of fun and humour that caused little bubbles of laughter to swim around in my tummy. I think you really captured how truly boring and horrible being sick is. You didn't rattle on about stupid things that left us skimming down the page for something a bit more interesting. You got it just right.

You have quite the talent and I'd be proud of this. Good job!

Hope I was helpful,, I know this review was short but I don't really have the adequate time right now.
Oh well.

Hope I was somewhat useful. Do your tweaking and editing, and this will be genuinely great.

Keep writing!
Kagi x
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I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec