Fear

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I sat in the car, staring blindly at our house and tried my best to keep my breathing level. My mother wasn't picking up her phone. That could only mean two things. Either he had found us or she had...
I didn't want to go inside. I didn't want to find her. I couldn't go through that again. What was I going to tell Charlie? Would he even understand the concept of death at his age? If she really was ― God, I couldn't even think about it. It scared the shit out of me.
“Anna,” I felt a hand on my leg and looked up. Eric sat in the car beside me, his gaze filled with questions and worry. “Are you all right?” I hadn't told Eric about my tragic history, of how my mother had taken me and my brother in the dead of the night and fled from my abusive father. I had finally found someone who I desperately wanted to confide in but every time I tried, the words refused to come out.
I couldn't tell him I was fine, we'd both know it wasn't true.
“Thanks for driving me...” I said after a moment.
“You want me to come in with you?” That shocked me into action. The only thing worse than finding my mother myself was having someone see her like that.
“No, no but thank you.” I quickly replied and grabbed for the door.
“See you tomorrow, then?” I didn't reply, who knew where I would be tomorrow. I didn't know how social services worked precisely but I knew that at my age it was improbable that anyone would adopt me. Would they split me and Charlie up? Would I have to run before it came to that? Where would we go? The questions were endless.
I slowly walked up the stairs, each step more difficult than the last. My hands were shaking so badly that I could barely get the key into the lock.
I went completely still when I found the door unlocked. Please, please let it be anything but that. Anyone but him. I was so locked up in my own fears that the sounds coming from inside barely reached me but my mother's sudden laughter brought me back to reality. It was a sound so unfamiliar that I barely recognized it, I hadn't heard my mother laugh in years.
I found her in the living room, having tea with a man I recognized but couldn't immediately place. She seemed more relaxed than I'd seen her in months and it pissed me off. I'd called her eight times in the last hour. I had feared the worst and here she was having tea with some man.
The fear and worry that had raged through me for the last few hours quickly turned to anger.
“Pick up your fucking phone!” I screamed at her. Before I even knew what I had done I'd thrown my own phone across the room. It shattered against the wall.
They both looked up at me in shock. Crockery rattled as my mother put down her tea cup and she and the man both stood up.
“Anna,” she started, her voice soothing as if she was talking to a wounded animal.
I suddenly couldn't look at her, couldn't see her for that matter. Blinking rapidly I tried to keep the tears at bay. “Anna..” She took a step towards me with her arms stretched towards me. The gesture was meant to calm me but it only made it worse. I bolted before she could say another word. I ran out the front door and found Eric's car still parked in the driveway. He'd probably been unwilling to leave without some sign that everything was as it should be. I didn't want him to see me like this so I turned away. I hesitated for a moment but I could hear footsteps coming up behind me.
As I ran for the woods that bordered our land I heard my mother scream my name. It made me run all the harder. I ran until I couldn't breath, ran until I couldn't think. When my feet refused to carry me any further, I collapse to the ground. Pressing my forehead to the earth I couldn't keep the emotions inside any more. I cried like I never had before. Not when my father had slapped me. Not when he had beaten my mother within an inch of her life. I hadn't cried like this when I'd had to leave my friends behind the first time. Nor the second or the third. I couldn't even remember crying the first time I had found her lying in a pool of her own blood. I had gone so cold, so numb that I barely recalled what had happened. But it was an image that haunted me to this day.
Now I cried now, for every time I hadn't in the past. Every time I had wanted to but couldn't. I cried until I couldn't possibly have another tear to shed and all that was left were the sobs that racked through my body.
Something touched my shoulder and I looked up to find Eric crouching beside me. I don't know how he'd found me but he had. I didn't struggle as he gently took me into his arms.
I didn't want to go back yet, didn't want to face my mother. But with his heart beating strongly under my cheek and his warmth seeping into my bones, consciousness faded and― I slept.
Last edited by Vari on Wed May 11, 2011 4:47 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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Hey,

It seems I'll be your review for today ^^. I must point out I really liked it and your plot is very moving. I really liked this though I would like more description but I just can't really say how I would add more. x.x still I couldn't find anything wrong with this piece grammar wise yet I am not good at grammar to that is actually no help at all haha. Anyways I'm really like how you wrote this.

I ran for the woods that bordered our land. I ran until I couldn't breach, much less think. When my feet refused to carry me any further, I collapse to the ground. Pressing my forehead to the earth I couldn't keep the emotions inside any more. I cried like I never had before. Not when my father had beaten me. Not when he had brought my mother within an inch of her death. I hadn't cried like this when I'd had to leave my friends behind the first time. Nor the second or the third. The time I had found her in a pool of her blood, I'd gone so cold. I'd been so numb throughout the whole process that I couldn't remember crying. All I'd thought about was who was going to take care of Charlie?


This was my favorite part. It shows the torment and thinking I believe is totally reasonable reaction to my mind. Anyways I loved it and I can't wait or more. Buenas Suerte and Happy Writing!! Keep up the good work and best of wishes!!!
Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.




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Awwh stop you'll make me blush :p

Thanks for your encouragement, it was kind of a spur of the moment write and I was surprised at how well it flowed but to hear it from someone else is always nice :] I think we'll be seeing more of Anna and Eric <3

please read my other work too, it's called Crimson :D

~ Vari




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Hey there! I see you're new to YWS, so welcome! If you're interested in meeting some of our members and getting your name out there, a good place to start would be at our Welcome Mat, where there are always people around to give you a warm welcome. :D

So. There were a handful of grammar mistakes here, which I won't nitpick for the sake of everyone's patience, but in future, you can read a lot of great articles on spelling, grammar etc. at theKnowledge Base, which I completely recommend.

I sat in the car, staring blindly at our house and tried my best to keep my breathing level. She wasn't picking up her phone. That could only mean two things. Either he had found us or she had...


Okay, interesting opening. I wasn't quite grabbed straight away, but you interested me. The last sentence confused me, though, at first I was thinking there were two people looking for these characters, a man and a woman. Is there a way you could make that a little clearer? If you clarify who the "she" is earlier on, that could make it a little easier to understand, maybe?

What was I going to tell Charlie?... Eric was getting restless beside me


So you've suddenly introduced these two characters that aren't totally relevant to the story. I worked out what was going on by the end, but Charlie at least isn't important to the plot, from what I can see, and I don't think Eric's totally significant either. Couldn't Anna have walked home? Putting in too many throwaway characters is just a little confusing for the reader, and unless you're continuing this and have some intention of using the characters more wholly, they aren't necessary. That way you could get rid of the dialogue between Eric and Anna, too, which kind of breaks up the narrative. Anyway, that's my main nitpick with this, and there's not much else I could complain about.

I didn't know what the future held for me, but for this moment I took comfort that at least I wouldn't be alone.


Nice ending. It could be rephrased to have a little more impact, maybe, making the reader reevaluate something as well as the character is always fun to do. Manipulating your readers is a great hobby and fun for all the family! Seriously, though, great writing always leaves the reader reconsidering the way they look at things, and you've got a chance to develop that with this. It's a great start, though, and I'm looking forward to seeing more from you. :)

Well, I hope I helped! Please let me know if there's anything more I can do, or if I've not made sense with anything I've said here. I'll be happy to do whatever I can to help. :D

~ Ruth
"Ruth.
She's alive because she is not dead,
and junk."
~JoJo



not to be woke but i just can't go around eating houses
— chi