The Last Pureblood

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I had one mission in life. One purpose. To protect Annabelle. I was assigned this mission when I was seven and my father told me that my destiny awaited. I was destined for this mission. I was born around the time when vampires and werewolves were not only myths and folklores. In fact, I was part of the world’s best werewolf pack.

 
All those stories about vampires and werewolves being natural enemies are just some sad excuse for not having a good plot or conflict for their stories. The truth is that we stick together no matter what species we are. Sadly that excludes the humans. They don’t like the idea of having to share this world with creatures that aren’t supposed to exist.

 
I remember clearly the day when my father told me my destiny. We had gone to a mansion in the forest where many vampires like to stay and hang out, maybe have a snack or two.

 
I remember looking out the window of the car and seeing a mansion so high I thought at the time, me being seven and all, that it went up to the heavens. My father and I went up many stairs until we got to a door that strangely looked bigger than the other thousand doors we just past. My father knocked on the door and a soft, musical voice told us to enter. The door opened and we slowly stepped in; not wanting to be rude by just barging in. I looked around the room and it reminded me of some kind of headquarters or an important office. My father walked up to the desk that was in front of the room to face the man sitting on the chair. He was papery white with dark glowing green eyes staring right at me. He looked like he was in his late seventies and I sensed he was an important vampire.

 
“Antonio, I’ve been waiting for your arrival. I see you brought little William along.” He glanced down at me with a smile on his face.

 
“He’s ready to fulfill his destiny. I thought we could tell him together why he’s here.” I was dumbfounded. What could they possibly mean? My father looked down at me and smiled.

 
“You see William, we’ve assigned you your own task. Now this is very important so don’t mess up.” I slowly nodded. So many thoughts ran through my head. What is so important? Part of me was afraid for what was about to come, but the other part, the dominant one, was curious.

 
“Antonio, lets show him what we mean.”

 
“You mean she’s here?” A puzzled look had taken over his face.

 
“Yes, my men found her on the doorstep. Someone just dropped her here like a sack of potatoes. Poor thing lost her parents, the only living pureblood vampires.”

 
“Why didn’t you mention this before Santos?” I didn’t understand what they were talking about.

 
“The thought never simply came to me. Lets go up to her room.” The two men began making their way towards the door with me trailing behind. After many twists and turns we finally stopped at a door. Two tall, big vampires were guarding the door but as soon as they saw us they stepped aside and let us go in.

 
We all stepped in and looked at the beautiful little girl that was sleeping on the red colored bed. I was stricken with an emotion so fierce I just wanted to curl up beside her and hold her close. I walked to her side and fought the urge to touch her cheek.
 
 

“What is her name?” I asked.
 
 

“Annabelle. She’s a beauty, isn’t she?” Santos looked at me with a happy glint in his eyes. I merely nodded and looked back down, taking in every feature on her beautiful face.
 
 

I felt a hand on my shoulder and knew instantly it was my father because of his scent. He looked down at me and took a deep breath.
 
 

“William, your duty is to protect Annabelle until your heart stops beating. Always keep her in here.” He pointed at my chest where my heart is. I looked at her face, it was so peaceful, so bright. I vowed to myself that as long as I’m around, her face will always be peaceful and bright.
 
 

I stood up straight and nodded. “Yes father.”
 
 

“You’ll be her protector, her best friend, her everything. Don’t ever let her out of your sight because my dear boy, the humans want her dead.” I winced at the word ‘dead.’ I must not let her die, even if it means sacrificing my life.
 
 

“Why do they want her….?” I couldn’t say it. I mustn’t say it. This time Santos answered my question.
 
 

“Annabelle is very special which means when she’s all grown up she’ll have heavy responsibilities. She’ll lead us, both vampires and werewolves, to a new future where we can all be at peace with the humans. She’s powerful, the humans don’t want any purebloods driving us out of our misery. They enjoy the fact that we have to hide from them and protect ourselves as well. The humans are sending vampire slayers to kill every single pureblood. They’ve recently killed Annabelle’s parents. You’re all she has now. She’s the last pureblood.”




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Hello hey!

All those stories about vampires and werewolves being natural enemies are just some sad excuse for not having a good plot or conflict for their stories. The truth is that we stick together no matter what species we are. Sadly that excludes the humans. They don’t like the idea of having to share this world with creatures that aren’t supposed to exist.


Mmkay, so I have a few questions about this. Why is it that the werewolves and vampires stick together with each other, but not with the humans? Because the humans don't like them? Why don't the humans like them? Is it because they are dangerous? Why are there stories about the vampires and werewolves hating each other if they don't? Do the humans make them up? Why? Why not stories about humans hating the vampires and werewolves, as they clearly do? Why aren't vampires and werewolves supposed to exist? Because the humans don't like them? Why not?

Lots of questions there, right? We need a little more explanation about your story's mythology. I'm perfectly fine with you turning stereotypes on their hands. Smash conventions. It makes things interesting. But if you do, you need a reason for it. You need to explain how the typical mythology might have come about. Why do humans think werewolves and vampires would hate one another if they don't?

You don't need to tell us everything at once. In fact, too much all at one time is an info-dump and clogs up your story. But over time, through the story, we need to hear something that would answer these questions. People don't just come up with stuff with nothing to back it up. Sure, stories get elaborated on, but there has to be some basis in reality. Was there a conflict in the past between werewolves and vampires? Was there a really famous vampire and werewolf who hated each other and that's why all the humans assume all vampires and werewolves hate each other? We need some sort of explanation for this.

Through the dialogue, I often wasn't quite sure who was talking when. You'd have the dialogue itself, but then talk about someone else's reaction.

“He’s ready to fulfill his destiny. I thought we could tell him together why he’s here.” I was dumbfounded. What could they possibly mean? My father looked down at me and smiled.

Because "I was dumbfounded" comes right after the dialogue, my first thought was that William had been talking, but that makes no sense. What would clear this up really easily would be to go through and insert dialogue tags. For example:

“He’s ready to fulfill his destiny. I thought we could tell him together why he’s here,” my father said, looking down at me.


It's much clearer who's talking and the reader doesn't have to stop and wonder about it.

How do they know Annabelle's going to grow up to be so important? What is a pureblood? And if she is so important, why are they trusting William, who I assume is a little kid at this point, to be her guardian? Is anyone else going to be watching out for her to? Has he been prepared for this at all?

Just a lot of questions to be answered in this story. It looks like this could be really interesting, you just need to give the reader a little more to chew on. There's a very fine line into info-dumping, so you'd have to tread carefully, but give us a little more to go on and it will be much easier to hook our curiousity.

Please, feel free to PM if you have any questions!

Looking forward to seeing you around the site!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Well, this is interesting. The new twists you've set up about how vampire and werewolves were friends and not enemies was one that I've never seen that before. Very creative, I approve.

Moving onto the critiques, I have a few here:

1. Info-dumps. Yes, we need a bit of background information. No, we don't need a whole encyclopaedia entry on background information. I feel as though, you've done a bit of this through the story, not a lot, but a bit.

2. You need to clear this line a bit as GryphonFledgling have pointed out:

xXHeIsWeXx wrote:“He’s ready to fulfill his destiny. I thought we could tell him together why he’s here.” I was dumbfounded. What could they possibly mean? My father looked down at me and smiled.


Who's speaking isn't exactly clear here. I'd suggest you swap the parts around like this:

"He's already to fulfil his destiny. I thought we could tell him together why he's here." My father looked down at me and smiled.
I was dumbfounded. What could they possibly mean?


3. Okay, lastly is more a question of credibility. Why is this seven-year-old chosen to protect someone so powerful? It seems... unplaussible, I suppose, don't they have someone more powerful and important to protect her? Or is this something that's going to be revealed later? At this point, this is the point that bothers me most.

Overall, I think it's pretty good, keep it up! :)




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THATS SO GOOD. AHH, I can't wait for you to post more :D
hahah i like the story line, it's unique and i haven't come across another story like it.
Please write soon!! :]
-CookEmonster
To accept life is to accept the fate it comes with- we were born to die.
So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...




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Gotta agree with Miracles and Gryphon. We need...information!

Now, I'm not a fan of info-dumping. Overloading someone with too much information at ones makes their brains melt and drip out their ears. Painful experience. And though I like it when people slowly feed you information on a world through the story intentionally, it doesn't feel as if you've done that here. Actually, it feels as if you didn't think that part through yet. I don't know if that's true but all I can say is how it comes across >.<

I don't have much time but I do have a tip as a fellow writer of vampire/werewolf stories. Make yours original. I like how yours has it so vampires and werewolves co-exist (though I will agree with Gryphon that you need a reason for why that's still the stereotype and why this doesn't extend to humans) but you need to step it up a notch. How are your vampire and werewolves different from every other run-of-the-mill fantasy book on them? I've seen some incredible ideas such as the "Fangless" vampires (vampires who have removed their fangs and thus their hunger for blood) and the "Earth Clan" of werewolves where werewolves are male only and only occur 30% of the time. (There are circumstances were this percentage can become higher...but we won't delve into that here...) Imagine what you want them to look like, act like, what the social hierarchy is, EVERYTHING. It'll be what makes your story stand out in the giant mob.

Hope this helped!

~Blood
Who's ever name is written in this note shall die.
My allegiance is to L, the world's greatest detective.
But my twisted mind enjoys Kira's exploits.




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I like it. Are you planning to type up more of this story?




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Thank you all for the comments, I don't really have that much time because there are just a whole lots of things going on so I probably won't be able to fix this chapter anytime soon. If you guys can be patient with me I'll really appreciate it. Thank you, have a great day!



~xXHeIsWeXx



"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore