Fakebook-Chapter 4

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Chapter 4

There were around fifteen people in the canteen; every single person in the canteen was from senior section, because entry for junior section students was banned from canteen- a rule imposed by Daivat Marandi, Head boy of school. Juniors were strictly not allowed in canteen without prior permission from seniors. Whenever someone was caught, he was inhumanely ragged by the D-company started in school by Daivat.

In the corner of the canteen, Tia laid her library books which were to be returned to library. They sat in plastic blue chairs and fixed marble table in between, most of the other tables were occupied by couples, while rest of the students were either busy playing table tennis in the other half of canteen or loitering.

“Wait! I’ll bring something for you Aarav” Tia requested.

”I’ll have sweet curd, sandwich and diet coke.” Aarav added instantly.

“Anything for you Aarav.” Tia smiled.

Aarav smiled in return.

After waiting for 7 minutes, Tia walked over, with orders in his hand. She slid tray into the table across from him, and slid his frozen yogurt along with a spoon. She placed in front of him sandwich and diet coke and set it down on the napkin, he had folded into a square. Instantly, like a hungry beast he dug into sandwich, taking a giant bite. She smiled when he got it on his nose. She picked up a napkin, and leaned across the table, not caring that her shirt was dropping, leaving chest exposed, and she wiped off the yogurt.

“That’s so sweet..” said Aarav unable to refrain himself from the gifted scene.

“Anything for you Aarav.” she replied with a smile. “Aarav, my friend request is still pending. What's the problem?” Tia said to spark conversation.

“That's not possible. I accept each and every friend request in facebook. ”

Tia took her cell phone from the skirt pocket and instantly logged into facebook. Thanks to 3G service! There she showed him her pending request.

He smiled to try to make up for his carelessness. Then, he retrieved red can of Diet Coke, which he popped open for her. "I’m sorry! Have this coke”

“Now, you believe me? I never lie Aarav.” she said taking a sip she said softly.

"Actually, I haven't checked my profile from 24 hours." he came up with excuse.

"Oh my god! How you manage to stay alive without checking your Facebook account for 24 hours."

Aarav smiled."I'm not Facebook addict."

"But, I'm.." Tia smiled with a grin "I check my account every 15 minutes."

The well-known beauty made Aarav forget that, he promised to meet Khushi when his punishment was over. Everyone present in the canteen watched Tia and Aarav at least once while passing. When did Tia and Aarav got into relation? everyone thought as they passed. Tia was in demand all over school.

“Forget it,” she said, passing on the coke can back to him. “How are your studies going?”

“Why are you talking like an enemy?” he took another sip.

“Enemy?”

“Yeah, I’ve vowed that whoever asked about my studies would be my enemy,” he said as he leaned back into his chair. His smile was intoxicating.

“But, you're good at your studies. Why not?” Tia asked. She brushed the library books to the side for a clear view.

“Is there anything else to talk ?” Aarav asked with a twisted face.

“What about girl friends?” Tia asked. She wound a long, dark strand of her hair around her finger in nervousness. “How many do you have?”

“Outside of parties, I don't care. I'm sure there is a girl waiting for me,” Aarav said rolling his eyes. Aarav was smart, cute, hot, talented, witty ... nothing not to love.

“Who’s waiting?” Tia asked flirtatiously.

“I don't know.”

Tia looked surprised. “You don't know?”

“Pairs are made in heaven,” Aarav said with a very flirty smile on his face. Aarav leaned down across the table and whispered in her ear “I am sure there's someone, somewhere made exclusively for me.” and winked at her with boyish smile.

“Good! But how will you come to know who she is?” Tia asked.

“It Clicks! That’s all,” he said, as he pulled a stick of Wrigley’s mint gum from his pocket and offered it to her.

She popped it into her mouth. “What if she is close to you and you don’t know?”

“Close?” Aarav said surprised. “There is no one.”

“Look, even I’m close to you. Maybe I am the one.” Tia’s lips tightened.

Aarav shook his head and his hair falls into his eyes. Instinctively, Tia reach to brush it back, and he grabbed her fingers, blowing a cool stream of air against her palm. “You?” He chuckled.

“Yeah! Me Aaravhhh,” she said stretching the ‘h’ in his name out.

“You're kidding, right?”

“Just kidding!” Tia said coyly.

“Khushi has been with me for a long time. Does that mean she is the one?” Aarav asked. He leaned his chin against the palm of hand that was perfectly balancing on the table. She hid her smile and sighed.

A few seconds later, she turned and winked at him, “Might be… God only knows, but I personally don’t think Khushi is your kind of girl. She is simply so boring. I don’t understand, how you tolerate her.” Tia replied with bitter tongue.

*****************************************************************************************************

Khushi wandered into the aerobics room at the gym. Two or three other were already there, chatting desultorily at the front of the room. But, Aarav was to be found nowhere. Khushi had been searching every corner of the school before she found Aarav and Tia sitting in the corner of the canteen. His first thought on seeing the girl was irritation. She stomped angrily towards them.

“Aarav, there you are!” Khushi made the name an explosive sound.

She pushed the empty chair next to him, and ignored the cracking sound that hit the floor. She seriously considered giving each of them a swift kick, but she restrained herself.

“Hi! Khushi?” Aarav smiled.

Khushi had huge eyes accentuated by wide lines of mascara. Right then, they were bulging at him. She wore the funny sideways grin she always got when she was really upset with Aarav.

“Hi? What hi? I told you to meet me when your punishment was over. Instead, you are having fun here with Tia. I told you, I was worried about you. Why didn't you come?”

“We are just talking casually,” Tia said angrily protesting her thought “We have a right to talk.”

“Shit! I'm sorry Khushi,” Aarav apologized on cue.

Khushi ignored Tia’s comment and complained him “Aarav, you always do the same thing. It doesn't matter if you promised me or not,”

“I remember..”

“Remember? If you remembered your promise you would have come!” Khushi stood with her hands on hips, tapping her floor impatiently and sighing as she frowned angrily.

Khushi's hair tapered around her face and over her shoulders. Her hair was a dark brown color that was just a shade away from being black. All the hair in the front but her bangs was pushed back with a thick, white headband. Her hair danced and flared as she scolded Aarav.

“Actually…” Aarav stammered.

“I don’t want to listen your lame excuses” she interrupted him. “You don't seem to have much priority for your best friends. That's what I see these days,” she continued.

Aarav and Khushi had been best friends since second grade, and had stuck together since then. It was sad that they didn't make any new friends, but honestly... they didn't really blend in with all the other groups.They were complete together.

“I'm his friend, too,” Tia chimed in impatiently.

Tia was the most annoying girl that had ever graced this earth. Tia was the kind of friend who you were sort of forced to be friends with. She was always competing against Khushi in class. It wasn’t her fault that Khushi was smarter than she was. But, now she was trying to compete for Aarav’s friendship.

“C’mon, Tia I know you’re a hoe.” her stomach flipped.

It always does that when Khushi say some swear word. It’s like her body is really against those words.

“Even everyone in school knows, how many friends and boyfriend you have. So, please don’t insult Aarav by calling him your friend.” She added “He just talks with you nothing more the that…” she cried passionately, hands working like pinchers that she was finding difficult to control, because they wanted to reach for her neck and squeeze it.

“Oh really? Why don’t you ask you best friend about my friendship with him” She said with a bitter tone.

Khushi turned around towards Aarav in utter anger and commanded “Aarav, tell her that you are not his friend. You just talk with her.”

“Khushi!” Aarav tied to protest.

“Aarav, you are going to say or not?” Khushi warned him without giving a chance to speak.

“This is not fair Khushi. He isn’t saying on his own.” Tia complained. “You are just forcing him to say what you think”

Her protests went unheard. Tia could see the beginning of the argument between her two of best friends and felt good that she was cause of it.

Khushi was hating that Aarav was paying attention to Tia, and not her. “I see promises are forgotten easily.”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Aarav said. “Khushi, you will always be the same for me.”

“Really? That’s why you are still with her?” Khushi said sarcastically.

Tia felt ignored in the presence of Aarav and Khushi.

Khushi was obviously angry with her for sitting with Aarav, but she was the one who told her that Aarav was being punished in the first place.

Angrily, Tia began to leave.“I have to return these books to the canteen,” Tia said to excuse herself. She hastily picked up her books and started off.

“Wait a minute, Khushi.” Aarav, then turned towards Tia called out, “Are you going Tia?”

“Yeah, I Think I should leave you guys alone.”

“No, it’s not like that,” Aarav said. He didn't want her to go.

“Sorry Aarav, I’ll meet you some other day. I have to return these books.”

“Yes, you go, Tia. He can talk to you later,” Khushi blurted in between.

Tia's face flushed with anger. Tia knew that Khushi was her opponent, her greatest competitor for winning Aarav’s heart. However, if she said anything against Khushi all her dreams of becoming Aarav's girlfriend would be ruined. She managed to leave quietly, but thoughts of revenge against Khushi rattled in her mind. She would revenge her wherever whenever possible.

“Why were you punished?” Khushi asked.

“Would you like to have something?” Aarav said, changing the subject.

“No! First tell me what happened,” Khushi continued.

Aarav sighed.

“I was busy doing something on my phone in Bhattacharya’s class,” he replied.

“Oh my god! Bhattacharya ma’am?” Khushi said as her eyes widened. “ That lady Hitler?”

“Yeah,” Aarav said with regret. “That’s why I got punished.”

“Are you crazy? Why would your bring your cell phone into Lady Hitler's class?

” He said with a frown on his face, “I know...

“You're even crazier for actually using it in her class. Are you insane?”

“It was urgent,” Aarav said.

“You deserve to be punished for being such an idiot,” Khushi said. “What could be so urgent that you would do such a dumb thing?”

Aarav's face suddenly changed.

“What?” Khushi said worriedly.

“Khushi, has anyone ever fooled you before?”

“What do you mean?” Khushi asked him confused. Aarav’s words, echoed strangely through Khushi’s mind. They intrigued, puzzled and frightened her.

“Has anyone ever played with your emotions,” Aarav continued.

Question seemed to startle her. Those words touched her heart, like touching a soft feather, so soft and sweet oh and light. She smiled the goofiest smile ever out and asked with bewilderment. “Why are you asking such a silly question? What's this got to do with anything?”

"How can I explain you?"Aarav’s voice wavered and she thought for a moment that he was about to cry. But then she remembered; he couldn’t cry, he’d never been able to and he never would be. He’d always said that he’d never wanted to cry but as he looked directly at her, just for a split second, she saw a look of wistfulness in his eyes, almost as if he wished that he could.

“Come to the garden with me, and I'll explain,” Aarav gripped Khushi's hands between his own and practically began dragging her towards the garden.

Aarav dragged Khushi past a sea of people. Khushi stared at her hand, he had never touched her before, like he was doing now.She felt like the B-Major chord of her heart had been plucked for the first time. Khushi was confused by the questions Aarav threw at her about being cheated and played. She was usually the one with the questions. Aarav hardly ever asked questions. His soft hands were like the pure white fur of a rabbit at her home. Her thoughts carried away from herself.


TO BE CONTINUED...
..veni, vidi, no vici..




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Hi ankitjain. I see you haven't been receiving a tone of reviews on your work.

The first way to help wit this is review more yourself. You only have one review so far so people probably don't really know you you are. Follow people, go on their walls and say hi, P.M. them. The more you are around the site the more reviews you will get, because then people will know you don't want to just get stuff out of the site you want to give back in to the whole community of YWS.

Another thing that is always nice for reviewers is when you tell a little bit what has happened in previous chapters and a quick summary of what will happen in this one. A lot of the time people don't have enough time to read all of your chapters and it can be hard to jump into a story. If you have these it will also encourage people to come back for more chapters.

The last way to get reviews is the Will Review For Food forum. Be sure to read the forum rules before posting here though.

Alright, now I should probably actually review your piece!

O.K. so what I feel is your biggest problem is your huge chunks of dialogue. You need to break them up. Usually for this problem I say with description, but what I really want is emotion. I feel no emotion in this piece. What are these people thinking? Are they happy? Afraid? You don't even tell us what they are feeling. I want you to take a leap and show us what they are feeling. Slip in their reactions to the dialogue.

Another thing I felt was that you were rushing through your dialogue when you wrote it. There is a lot of petty mistakes in it. For example:

"I’m sorry! Have this coke Should have a period. I also feel like you should describe the motion where he moved to offer the coke over.

“Now, you believe me? I never lie Aarav.” she said taking a sip she said softly. This doesn't sound right.

"Actually, I haven't checked my profile from 24 hours." he came up with put an 'an' here excuse.

"Oh my god! How you manage to stay alive without checking your Facebook account for 24 hours. should be a question mark."


O.K. so obviously I am not going to go through the whole thing, but you should. Just go look through a few times looking for grammar problems. If you don't feel like you are catching what you should sometimes it helps to read through looking for specific problems, like run-on sentences for example. Just do a quick read through making sure you don't have any then move to the next problem that you could have.

The last thing I want to touch on is your beginning:

There were around fifteen people in the canteen; every single person in the canteen was from senior section, because entry for junior section students was banned from canteen- a rule imposed by Daivat Marandi, Head boy of school. Juniors were strictly not allowed in canteen without prior permission from seniors. Whenever someone was caught, he was inhumanely ragged by the D-company started in school by Daivat.


It didn't draw me in. It didn't make me want to read more. Yes, you were giving me the setting, but it wasn't interesting. It felt like you were listing background information you felt like you had to give. Give the interesting part first, like their conversation, then slip in the background information later in smaller pieces. Do you get what I mean?

Also, all the long sentences in a row were a bit confusing. Long sentences are fine, but they aren't usually the best in the very beginning of a section.

I guess that is all. Overall I thought this was o.k. I think you have lots of room to improve, but if you work at it this could be good. I wish I saw more depth in your characters through/and their speech. But, you can always edit!

If you have any questions or want another review P.M. me!

Thanks,

A. S.



Bananas
— looseleaf