Intertwined-Synopsis

Hey there, Lilac. :]

Well, I just wanted to say that this seemed slightly unfinished to me, I think. There wasn't enough that was really interesting so much as it was a tad bit empty. I understood the fact that this is obviously about two people and there situation, but I didn't quite draw as much excitement or involvement from it as I would have liked to.

For a synopsis, I think this was okay, but not as great as you could have made it. The goal you might be striving to achieve would be to make this seem as interesting a story as it probably is. When I read this, it just seemed too much like other love stories before it. What's different about it? Put just a tad more depth and character in and I think you'll be pretty solid.

Aside from that though, I had my nitpicks. Mainly regarding the proper tenses involved. I tried to smoothen it up a bit. My revisions and comments are in red.

lilactree wrote:
His eyes widened, processing all of this. He felt like his heart was being cut to pieces(,) yet he was unable to do anything but watch.

She was simply gone…(I wouldn't use these ellipsis here. Maybe replace it with a semi-colon.)leaving without a single word.

Sometimes, things can only break so many times before you can’t fix it anymore and it simply falls apart.



Twenty-two year old Galen Darley was returning to her birthplace in Vancouver after abruptly leaving 6 years ago. Here, she planned (Writing in this kind of present tense when you're narrating can be a little awkward.) to make a brand new start(,) starting with a new college and new friends. Returning home though, also meant facing Athren, the man she so desperately loved. . . (Adding the space makes this so much cleaner of a distant thought.) and spent the last few years trying to forget.

For Athren, her returning home was like a miracle and a broken promise all wrapped together into one person. She had left him with bittersweet memories and even with his resolve of staying strong, some times, love couldn't be helped.

But when the past started catching up to them, it’s becoming (Would sound much better as "it became") increasingly hard to patch things up. Secrets were held, and lies were told. It was too late for doubts though because now, their lives were already intertwined with love, secrets, betrayal and the slightest glimmer of hope.

I read the note you had at the top. Please don't feel discouraged by posting or receiving critique! If anything it'll only help you achieve your goals in excelling as a writer. I hope my review was helpful to you. Good luck with your story and all future writing. :]