Fakebook-Chapter 2

4 posts

Want to read any further?

  • Yes! 60%
  • No! 40%
  • Hmmm..Okay! No votes

Total votes: 5

User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 1
Fakebook- Chapter2

In the class room it was pretty noisy. Everyone was talking to their friends, probably about the summer holidays or whatever.

“Good morning, students, and what a bright morning it is to study!’” Mrs. Bhattacharya greeted students with cheeriness that rang false in students ears.

She was a small-boned, never smiling woman in her late fifties with half dead, eyes, wrinkled skin. Her black shoulder length hair was in a French braid with few touches of grey hair. Although, she dressed simply in white printed bengali saree and black blouse yet she incorporate her attitude, serious serious serious.
The students in the class shifted, sitting up straighter, and all eyes were focused.

She took a chalk from the table and wrote THERMODYNAMICS in centre of the green board. The scratch of chalk on the board was unbearably dull; an omen for what would undoubtedly be another event-less day, so much like the ones before it.

“Everybody pay attention here!” Mrs. Bhattacharya called the class to attention as she stood between table and green board fixed on the wall. She tilted her thin spectacles to her nose and eyed the students. Her efforts fell on silent ears.

Picking thick wooden scale from the table, she asked “Yesterday, I taught you laws of thermodynamics. Have you revised it?”

Many speculated that her glasses were about 1.5mm thick, about the size of their interest in thermodynamics. Her strict, cold and unfriendly expression made her unlike by everyone at school. She was the most feared teacher at Rajkumar College.

Shcool was situated in the centre of city and surrounded by some of the world’s freshest shopping venues and malls which always proved helpful while bunking classes. It was one of the oldest schools situated in Raipur, capital of Chhattisgarh state, made exclusively for Raja’s children’s in 1882 by slaves during Britisher’s era. Rajkumar College, better known as RKC was the school with almost every kind of facility from archery to horse riding, gigantic library with collection of 10,000 books to comparable swimming pool. Not to mention, kind of school which only riches could afford. The college had an outstanding reputation in soccer, swimming, cricket, polo and almost every sport except academics. Why would children from rich families bothered about studies and career?

Each July, when the new academic session began, students begged God not to be assigned Mrs. Bhattacharya to their classroom. Of course, some prayers went unheard. These students were doomed to endure 11th grade math with the woman pegged as 'Lady Hitler'.

“Yes Ma’am, we have revised.” the students replied in unity. Their vehement outcry drowned out the No's from the last benchers. Mrs. Bhattacharya wasn't aware of those No's, one of which was from Aarav sitting in the backbench of middle row next to Stanley.

Aarav was infamous for all his notorious activity. He was caught many times by Principa- J B Singh for various illegal activities within and outside school campus. Like most troublemakers, he was at the top of a class made up of 62 students only if counting started from last rank. He was not a plebeian student – and he had been defeated in fierce competition by Daivat Marandi, the son of MLA Chandra Shekhar Marandi when he ran for head boy in the school cabinet elections. He was the ill-famed L.O.S.E.R at Rajkumar, who had limited number of friends.

She pointed her chalk at a nerdy boy that had thick black framed spectacles just like her own and said with skepticism “You in the first bench. Tell me the first law.” Anyone could reach the conclusion that the boy was a member of Bhattacharya's family from the looks of him, and that maybe she was doing him a favor.

Aarav and Stanley ignored lecture. They had other things they preferred to focus on instead.

“Love cannot be created nor destroyed, but can be transferred from one girl to another. How’s my first law of thermodynamics?” Stanley asked Aarav in a low voice.

They both tried to suppress their laughter, but the teacher looked up immediately. Aarav and Stanley's face became sober and they abandoned their jokes. It was a close call.

Stanley tried to continue with the joking but Aarav interrupted him. “It's over? I need to concentrate,” Aarav glowered giving a sullen look “I’ve mobile with me. Can’t you see hot stuff’s going on here?” and took his eyes from the Nokia-6600, which his dad somehow managed to give him after using it for three years and putting new outer body. Mr. Shirshirmal, his dad was a well known business tycoon of the state, who had number of sponge Iron mills and power plant across the state. In spite of making fortunes, he used to travel in white Tata Indica instead of Audi.

Stanley scowled under his breath. He was upset that Aarav had brushed him off. Therefore, he tried to flip to the correct page in his physics book to look up the law in case Mrs. Bhattacharya made him next victim. He had the book well-hidden beneath his bench, so that she couldn't see him cheating. Unfortunately, his ignorance of the lectures made him flip to the table of contents rather directly to the exact chapter with the theoretical definitions of thermodynamics. It was a common trait in all backbenchers; neither had they known the chapter going in the class nor its content.

The nerdy kid that resembled Mrs. Bhattacharya was unable to give the right answer. Unfortunately, he was forced to stand up on the bench for the remaining duration of the lecture as a punishment. Stanley began to feel fear, and scanned the pages quickly in desperation. He finally reached the correct page and rushed to remember the law.

“Aarav! Smoke is coming out of dragon lady's nostrils. Just read this law once. You'll be safe,” he warned Aarav.

“Don't disturb me,” Aarav replied. He refused to care about the teacher or the class. Aarav brushed back the thick curtain of blond curls that framed his face, and leaned on his elbow to block Stanley from talking to him and again continued to concentrate on mobile screen.

“But, I've found it in the book. Just read it once!” Stanley continued to plead.

“Can't you see what I'm doing?” he gave a warning stare. “Don't disturb me for god sakes.” Aarav glared at him disapprovingly.

Stanley's heart dropped as he turned and realized the teacher was drawing close to their bench. He frantically slid the book deep into his desk next to his school bag. He nudged Aarav to let him know the teacher was moving close.

Aarav's thought went into a tailspin as he, too, realized the teacher was coming close to them.

“What happened?” Aarav frantically mumbled under his breath.

Stanley urgently replied, “She's coming! Hide it! Fast....”

Aarav froze! His face was expressionless. He had been using his mobile phone in middle of class. He was too petrified to stick it in his pocket without being noticed, so he stuck it between his bag and book beneath the bench where it would safely be out of view of Lady Hitler.

The teacher caught Aarav's suddenly abrupt movement.

“What were you both doing?” she said, staring sharply at them. She was continuously rocking her wooden scale to generate fear.

“No... Nothing, ma'am,” Aarav stammered. He couldn't get the words out correctly because warnings flashed in his mind and formed lumps in the pit of his stomach.

Mrs. Bhattacharya stretched her glass frame further down her nose, and fixed the two boys with her most withering stare.
“Then tell me the first law of thermodynamics,” she said to Aarav.

His eyes widened. His mouth formed a perfect O of surprise. He put a hand up and pointed to himself as if he needed confirmation that he hadn't lost his mind, and his lips soundlessly formed the word, "Ma’am me?"

“Yes! You half quintal idiot” She replied and class started to laugh.

Aarav had to mutter something. He had no other choice. He started to narrate, “Love can...” when he realized it was the funny definition Stanley had narrated just a few seconds ago. He became tongue-tied, knowing that, if he continued with that definition he would be in worse trouble.

“Love?” she said puzzled. The whole class began to laugh. It might have been okay if they were in literature class, studying Romeo and Juliet, but it was Physics- subject of science which claimed to be candle in dark from Homo sapiens, subject which denied existence of love like god and reasoned everything by one or other law.

“Everybody shut up!” Mrs. Bhattacharya screamed and turned around her face to other students. “I don't want to hear a single noise.”

She then turned on Aarav again, and his heart skipped a beat.

“I don’t know ma’am,” apologized Aarav lowering his head with shame.

Gurrrrrr! Gurrrrrr!

A vibration traveled along Aarav's bench. He wasn't sure if it was a direct call or a message that made his phone vibrate, but he could feel the sensation on his bench. It was a live demo of the physics law- Waves travel in all directions and much faster in solid compared to air.

Gurrrrrr! Gurrrrrrr!

He realized that perhaps even the teacher could hear or feel the vibration. He couldn't focus on the teacher’s thought. He just thought about the significance of the vibration. Message or call? He thought.

“You don’t know? You were in class yesterday,” she interrupted his thoughts annoyed.

“Yes. Yes, ma’am…” he said absent-minded. His mind was vibrating with the vibration of his mobile phone. He was absolutely petrified to come up with something sensible.

Gurrrrr!! Gurrrrr!!

The rhythmic vibrations were causing the phone to move towards the edge of the bench giving proof of Newton’s third law of motion-To Every Action there is equal and opposite reaction. Aarav was oblivious to this development, otherwise he might have been able to save himself from the grief that was about to happen.

Dhapak!!!

The device fell two feet from the bench, and cracked on the floor. Aarav reacted quickly and picked it up, but it was too late. The damage had already been done to mobile as well as him. There was no action that could cover up that sound.

“What was that falling sound?” Mrs. Bhattacharya said right on cue.

“Nothing ma’am,” Aarav said in a weak attempt at lying. His lack of confidence was giving his lie away.

“Show me your hand,” instructed the teacher as she gazed straight into his eyes.

Aarav was in trouble with a capital T. Yet, he was determined to convince her, yet again, that he had done nothing wrong.

“Ma’am, it was nothing,” he said.

There was no changing her mind.

“Don't act over smart, show me your hand,” she said. “Show me both your hands. Quickly! Don't waste my time!” She said.

Both of Aarav's hands were behind his back. He slowly brought forward his right hand with the phone in it. She was surprised to see that he had brought a mobile phone into the classroom.

“Give me that thing?” she said in her lowest, yet angriest, voice. “And please get out of this class.”

“Sorry, ma'am,” Aarav said softly.

“I don't want to hear sorry. Get out and kneel down outside,” she said in a voice that was still calm. Her face showed that she was managing to not erupt, even though she was bubbling with anger like a volcano about to blow. “Do you understand?”

“I'm really sorry, ma'am,” Aarav continued to plead. He tried to make a cute puppy face to coax her into his innocence.

“Get out! Don't waste my time please,” she said with finality.

“Sorry, ma'am. Please!” he begged joining his hands.

“I don’t understand meaning of sorry” She replied icily.

“Ma’am sorry means to forgive someone” Aarav replied innocently and whole class was thrown into pearls of laughter.

“Gettt Outtt!!!” she roared in the highest possible human voice at his joke. The volcano blew. A pin drop silence followed. Surely, the principal just 50 yards down the hall would have heard that scream, not to mention neighboring classes. Everyone's eyes fell on Aarav. All was quiet and still, every shard of attention focused on the two figures in the middle of the class.

They wanted him to leave before things got worse.

Aarav handed her the mobile phone. His face turned red, and he exited the room. He wanted to go somewhere to scream, cry, or kick something really hard. He didn't want control he wanted to throw things! He wanted to break things! He wanted to destroy everything in the way, but he couldn't. However, he knelt outside the classroom like he was told and watched junior sections students play basketball in the court from there.

After 15-16 minutes of stressful punishment, he wanted to stand to give his painful knees a rest, but he pushed the thought aside. If Hitler saw me standing for even a moment I would receive even worse punishment, he thought. Outside he was thinking different ways to kill her. The pain of the weight of the entire body on the knees was unendurable. However, watching the game going in the basketball court was helping him to divert his thoughts for sometime.

What if she took him to the Princy later and he found out everything I had been doing in the class, another thought popped his mind. Then Princy would call my parents and …. Panic started to rise in Aarav.

As he was sitting there contemplating his dilemma a realization hit him. She wouldn't go to the principal. This was the first mistake I had ever made in front of Mrs. Bhattacharya. He made a logical approach to reason himself. He finally let a warm smile spread across his face. Now, he was very much sure she wouldn't take him to the principal.

Pain in his knees was getting unbearable. He wasn’t able to tolerate anymore, it felt him like someone had kept 50 Kg iron weight on both his knee joints. Therefore, he stood up for a brief moment of relief. He was lucky, Hitler didn’t saw him standing there watching the basketball game instead of punishment, may be she was too busy with her classes inside. On the basketball court, one of the students dodged a ball and was able to steal and throw it perfectly into the basket.

The escape was brief. His mind went back into the classroom. Suddenly, he was terrified again thinking about Hitler. Even, though he had only been standing for a minute. He resumed the torturous position. Again, he worried she would go to the principal. All his confidence that she wouldn’t had dissipated. A trickle of sweat ran down his forehead, over the bridge of his nose and onto his lips. He instinctively licked the moisture off and regretted it. The taste of sweat filled his tongue. He tried to maintain his balance as he wiped the remaining sweat from his forehead. It felt awful, sitting back and feeling the salty sweat form on my forehead but not having any control over the situation.

She will not go, he though desperately. She would have done it already if she meant to.

The positive thoughts didn't help much. In fact, he felt less calm.

What if she saw what was going on in the mobile? His thoughts exploded. What if she came to know everything? She will know what I was actually doing. Then she will never see me the same. I've already destroyed the little image I had after being defeated in the election. Jez, please save me! I closed my eyes and laid my head down on my arm as I waited for the bell to ring and declare my freedom for the punishment

Ding, Ding, Ding …Ding!!

The bell ringed, announcing the end of the class. He can actually smell the freedom as the bell rang and people whip out the front doors of the classes like there is no tomorrow. Finally it was lunch, the best hour of the day. Already, a pack of students were pushing each other to pass. Once silence corridors were now full of students chattering with excitement. It was like they hadn't seen recess in ages. All the classes, except his, were let out. A few students ate their lunches in the empty classrooms. Mrs. Bhattacharya continued to lecture through recess.

He prayed silently, my lips unmoving, while I passed a few of my friends.

Why is she taking so long? Aarav's thoughts pleaded.

He had hoped his punishment would've been over before recess. His punishment would've been known mostly just in his classroom. He saw people pass by him, laughing when they saw his face. He felt his cheeks turn pink from embarrassment. Here was a candidate for head boy enduring an unimaginable punishment.

A student threw a tantrum near where Aarav was kneeling, “If he's punished, then even we could be.”

The boy made the comment so that it was audible to Aarav, but he ignored it and kept his head down.

“He must've been talking in class,” the student continued to try and justify the punishment.

“No! No! Maybe he didn't do his homework” replied the other student standing nearby. Both boys started laughing.

Aarav couldn't do anything. He clenched his fists. One day definitely he would show them.

TO BE CONTINUED.. :D :D
..veni, vidi, no vici..




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1813
Reviews 38
Hey! Ankit.
It's good. Witty and funny in some places, and it belongs there. So, that's good too.
There are some grammatical mistakes which I've pointed below so you need to take care of that. You should always preview you work and read it at lest a half dozen of times before you submit it. This will help you in checking your grammar and spellings. This will also help you understand the piece from the readers aspect, (it's just my theory, but it really helps).
It's a good piece, but I didn't really get the connection, but I'm sure you'll give us that by the next chapter.
About one thing, though, I'm kind of sure that Aarav is the main character.

Anyway, now are things I told you earlier-
Shcool (it should be 'school') was situated in the centre of city and surrounded by some of the world’s freshest shopping venues and malls which always proved helpful while bunking classes.


What if she saw what was going on in the mobile? (I think maybe you should put this in italics, as they are the thoughts of the character) His thoughts exploded. What if she came to know everything? She will know what I was actually doing. Then she will never see me the same. I've already destroyed the little image I had after being defeated in the election. Jez, please save me! (the need for italics is the same here too) I closed my eyes and laid my head down on my arm as I waited for the bell to ring and declare my freedom for the punishment (I see that the whole chapter is written in Second person, but here you've put it in first person. So, you might want to correct that.)


Hope my review helps you...
-Rooh
Spoiler
Checkout the different shades of sunset...
topic84708.html


Need a review??? Click here! http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic87443.html#p913699%20URL%20Review%20Bar...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1035
Reviews 75
Hey, I'm Teardrop!

First of all, this was good. I liked it a lot. I haven't read the first chapter, so I'll try and give the best review I can.

Details Try not to dump a whole description of a character all at once in one big paragraph. This just makes it a bit boring, and it's an info dump. Try sprinkling little descriptions throughtout the story when the time's right. This will allow the reader to get a full vision of the character in time, while keeping the reader's focus. Also, at times, I thought that you could have elaborated on the emotions and details as well. Make sure you really describe what your character is feeling at the moment.

Grammar I noticed a few grammatical mistakes throughout the story, so I have two suggestions. One is to always read over your work, as rooh said, but also you might want to try spell check. Just a suggestion, but try and fix up everything that you can find before you post and leave the rest to the reviewer.

Nitpicks Okay, so I'm just going to point out mistakes, as well as my thoughts. So here it goes!

ankitjain wrote:In the class room it was pretty noisy.
Okay, so I thought your opening sentence could have been a little more gripping, really try and pull the reader in. I know this is the second chapter though so it's not that big of a deal, that's just my opinion.

ankitjain wrote:Bhattacharya greeted students with cheeriness that rang false in students ears.

Okay, so you used students twice super close together, repetition! I would try and avoid that a bit.

Okay, I noticed a few more mistakes out there, but Just make sure to read over your work! Overall, I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!

~Tear
And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
- Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 14918
Reviews 384
Hi Anki, here to review as requested. ^^

I've read both chapters one and two, and you do have an... interesting and original plot, but like ToritheMonster said in her review on the first chapter, you're not doing a very good job in executing it.

For starters, the first few paragraphs in your first chapter ramble on about Facebook and Myspace and all of those online social-networking sites. Yeah, they are interesting, and they can make for an interesting plot-line, but seriously. There were no real hooks in your first chapter, nothing supremely interesting and nothing that made me want to keep reading. Five or six paragraphs rambling about social-networking is a bit... boring. And then after that in the first chapter it was all bright colors and chat-speak (net-speak) and symbols... You really don't want to put that kind of thing into a story.

The part that bugged me the most about that was the girl's profile that you put in that weird color, with tons of rambling sentences about absolutely nothing - it was all in a different color, all in net/chat-speak... it was painful to read and nearly impossible to follow.

But, I'm not reviewing the first chapter here, I'm reviewing the second one - and I wasn't a huge fan of this one either, I'm sorry to say. Again, your plot is interesting enough, but you haven't gone about executing it well. You had tons of info-dumps, as the past reviewers mentioned, and those are basically just big blocks of hard-to-read-all-the-way-through text about things that really don't matter to the reader quite yet. Avoid info-dumps - spread the information through the chapter and the rest of the novel or your reader will get bored.

And, another thing - throughout the whole story I noticed quite a few grammar mistakes. As Rooh and Teardrop said, always read over your work a couple of times before posting and use a spell-check. They help a lot in that department.

Aside from that, the first chapter was all in first person, and this was in third person. Now, that's not always a bad thing, but your story is already a bit too confusing as it is, and if you're going to switch persons in a novel, then you have to do it well. This was just too big a jump.

There was, however, one area here where you randomly started in first person again, which Rooh has already pointed out.

There was one other thing that really bothered me here, and I'll just quickly point that out now:

Stanley scowled under his breath. He was upset that Aarav had brushed him off. Therefore, he tried to flip to the correct page in his physics book to look up the law in case Mrs. Bhattacharya made him next victim.


You see the part that I bolded there? Just for the record - you can't scowl under your breath. A scowl is a facial expression, not a noise that can be hidden by breathing.

But, after all of that, I still have a few things that I wanted to point out:

For starters, what country/state/province/etc... does this story take place in? The U.S.A., Canada, the UK, India...? None of the above? Not to mention you had me wondering at what time era the second chapter was set in. There were areas with totally unrealistic dialogue for modern-day society. It just didn't sound natural - remember that your characters don't speak the way you write.

Another thing that had me blinking about what era it was in is the melodrama and the punishments. I suppose that this all depends on what country your novel is set in, but there are a lot of places that wouldn't allow the students to be treated like that. The teacher seemed way too extreme to me. Sure, they can be irritable and temperamental - but full out shrieking at the students for a few outbursts and laughter? No. And then there was the part where your character... Stanley?... got punished, and he was full-out panicking. Judging by his reaction alone, you'd think that he was being sentenced to hanging or having a gun pointed at his chest. And then the anger afterwards? Either he's got some serious rage issues or it's all melodramatic.

In all honesty, I'm not a huge fan of this. Yet. You have a fairly interesting plot line going for you, but the chapters are detached, the characters and the dialogue are unrealistic and the colored text/chat-speak in the first chapter was just way too much. Not to mention the info-dumps and other such things. You have a decent plot line, but it could use a lot of tweaking and some thorough editing.

Sorry if this was a bit harsh, but I'm an honest reviewer. ;)

Keep writing,
~~Ish.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?



I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright