The Heartbreaker 1

There was a guy named Max. He was such a heart rob in is school. Most of the girls who dint have a boyfriend chased after Max. Max on the other hand he loved the attention. He would end up breaking someone´s heart. He usually would flirt with the girl, go out with the girl. Hold her hand and hug her. Then on the second date he would take her out for dinner and take her for a walk and under the moon light he would kiss her. Then he would walk her home and kiss her good night. He would probably go on a few more dates with her and break up with her before he gets to attached with his feelings. That was Max he did the same routine over and over.


Max always did this beacause he wanted to feel good about himself and doing this made him feel special. The longest relationship he has ever been in was 3 weeks. Whenever the girl became to clingy or dominating he would break up with her. In rare cases he breaks up with her if he gets to attached with his feelings. He doesnt want to feel the pain he felt with his first girlfriend. Thats one of the main reasons he turned out like this. He never wanted to last long with a girl cause he doesnt want to end up heart broken again. He could never tell anyone about Chris, his first girlfriend cause he doesnt want anyone to know what he has been through to become like this. He only wants to be known as Max the heart rob.


One day Max was just about to start his routine on Monica. Then Mrs. Brix anounced that they will be having a new student Sophie. But Max continued flirting with Monica. Then Sophie entered the class. Then Mrs. Brix announced everyone this is Sophie. Sophie pls take a seat wherever you like. Then Sophie whispered " Thank you Mrs Brix." Max turned to look at Sophie and suddenly he became speechless. He thought wow she is hot.Then Max told Peter if they could exchange seats. Peter agreed cause he wanted to sit next to Monica. Then Sophie sat next to Max. Max whispered " You chose a good seat. Hi, I am Max. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" Sophie smiled and replied " Thank you, but pls compliment me some other time I need to pay attention." Max answered back "So your the smart type. Who knew that someone as beautiful as you could be smart." Sophie replied " Max, you know my name not my story now zip it."
Max laughed to himself and said man this is gonna be a hard one.

I'm saving my spot to review later!

Hey Zoreo!

So, welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying it here. Feel free to ask any of us for any sort of help.
Now onto your story.
Wow, your MC is quite a guy, huh? To me, he seems like a typical jerk who goes around recycling girls. Well, let's see how well you can develop him. And your story borders on the boring high-school drama side, so you need to step up your game.

He was such a heart throb in is school.

I'm pretty sure it's heart throb, not heart rob.
I also noticed a few minor punctuation slips, I'm not going to point them out. Just look out for them while editing

Description: Though your story is short you can make it longer and better by including description. Right now, you're telling us what happened. You need to work on showing us what happened and use some description. Show us a typical scene in class, uses his five senses, use his thoughts and ideas and everything. Show us what the class reaction is. Because right now, it seems two dimensional. It needs to be made believable.
Characters : Right now, with such a short piece, you don't see much of your MC, besides him being a typical jerk. Show us more. Otherwise they'll end up like cut outs doing something.

So, basically, go for a major edit and you should be fine.
~Lava

hi! here to review your awesometastic novel chapter! So lets get started!

who didn't have a boyfriend

That was Max, he did the same routine over and over.

anyone about Chris, his first girlfriend, cause he doesn't

"Sophie please take a seat wherever you like. "

Then Max told asked Peter if they could exchange seats

Thank you, but please compliment

Really and truthfully, this sounds like every other romance out on the market today. There is no charecter building, No plot, nothing. The chapter looks very holey. and truthfully, you can tell that a new person wrote it.

You need to work on dialogue tags, so we'll start with that.


1. "Hello," he said
2. "Hello" he said
3. "Hello." He said
4. "Hello." he said
5. "Hello." He waved

1 is correct because there is a comma AFTER the dialogue
2 is wrong becuase there is no punucation
3 is wrong cause the He is captilized. after talking, you don't captizile it unless its an action
4 is correct because the he is lower cased
5 is correct because after the dialogue its an action.
Have you ever heard of the weight of the story?
Well, the weight is important.
Yours is pretty heavy.
1. you tell instead of show
2. your coners aren't clean cut
3. you haven't mastered the flawless smoothness yet.

think about that. Do feel as though your chapter is clean cut and mature?

just think.
~drama

Thank you for all your suggestions.