Clostrophorical: Chapter 2: Nostrum own via

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Chapter 2
Nostrum own via


The familiar smell of the corn filled the air as the students unloaded from the buses. The sunset told them that the time had come for them to enter the haunted corn maze. Most of the students were terrified of what they would encounter in the corn. Annabeth was planning on using Riley as a shield and a sword. Lydia was right behind her. Kite was convinced he wasn't afraid of anything. Lucas and Emeth were sure they would be running and screaming like girls. Violet was just going to punch anyone in her way. Each student had a plan to make it safely threw the maze and be the first to the exit.

Mrs. Hodges, English teacher and the person in charge of the field trip. The thing about Mrs. Hodges is she was always cool about everything. One time she caught Mikey Donald smoking in the bathroom. She took the cigarette from him and smoked it with him. We never told the other teachers about that though. Despite the punishment of this severally lame field trip, we were all glad she was our chaperone's.

"Everyone, shut up and listen!" Mrs. Hodges screamed over the hoard of teenagers who were "busy" talking. She cleared her throat. "You guys almost burned down the gym so we are stuck here for your trip. Let's try to make the best of it, and no more incidents please. Everyone get into groups. The size doesn't matter. When you are ready head to one of the entrances. We will begin timing you as soon as you enter. The group who finishes first will get an A in my class. If you don't have my English class, you win nothing. Good luck!"

Lucas and Emeth figured they stood a better chance of getting through faster together.

"Hey Emeth, why aren't you wearing your glasses?" Lucas, or anyone else for that matter, rarely got to see Emeth without glasses. He looked quite a bit less dorky without them, one girl made it a point to say he looked "Twice as handsome, half as ugly" without them on. Emeth liked them though, he liked to look smart.

"Since I'll be flying in and out of corn I don't really want to risk breaking them." Emeth was standing at the entrance of one of the many paths, he handed his glasses case to one of the chaperone's for safe keeping.

"You won't be able to see all that well though." Lucas said stating the obvious. In a second he had lost all focus on Emeth, who was babbling on about how he would be able to function within the maze due to blah blah blah(insert scientific explanation), and shifted it to Violet who had arrived separately from the buses. "I'll be back Emeth" Lucas didn't even wait for Emeth's response before running towards Violet.

Lucas was always stunned by Violet. She was wearing a low cut red belly shirt and skinny jeans and her long black hair was draped over her shoulders. He hadn't thought before he spoke when he said

"Wow, little sexy for a maze don't you think? Not that I'm complaining."

"Exactly. Now, I always give back compliments to those who deserve them." Violet put her hand under her chin for a moment to think. "Your shirt is cute." She said with a smirk.

"Oh really you think so? It's an Android guy eating an Apple. You get it?" He stretched out the shirt so she could see it and smiled like a dog who wanted a bone.

"Yes. Yes I do get it. Thank you for explaining it to me though." Violet choose the end the conversation by attempting to walk away.

"Wait." Lucas stepped in front of her. "You should join me for the maze."

"What about your friend?" Violet said pointing toward Emeth, who was standing at the entrance with his arms crossed and disdain on his face.

"Who? Oh you mean Emeth! He won't mind." Lucas pulled out a huge grin.

"Fine, but only because I like your shirt." Violet smiled and walked around Lucas and toward the entrance.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Annabeth dragged Riley, and of course Lydia, to the entrance of the maze. You would never usually see these three apart. Someone attempted to call them the Three Musketeers once but Riley wouldn't allow it. He would never say it, at risk of making Annabeth mad, but he didn't like Lydia being around so much. They rarely had a moment alone.

"So Lydia, Riley made up this awesome plan to get us through the maze first. You know I need this A so I can get a 4.0." Annabeth was holding both of Lydia's hands as if to make sure she understood.

"I know Annabeth. Without a 4.0 you can't get into Harvard Law School." Lydia said it as if she had a hundred times, because she had.

"Right. I want to be the next Reese Witherspoon/Legally Blond." Annabeth said flipping her hair over her shoulder. They laughed.

"Can we just go?" Riley said growing impatient.

"Good idea honey!" She grabbed his hand and lead him toward the entrance.

"Oh look, it's Lucas, Emeth, and Violet." Lydia said as they approached the group.

"Ugh, that girl gives me the creeps. Let's try and stay away from them okay?" Annabeth detested.

"No, Annabeth, I want to ask them join us." Riley stepped into Annabeth's path.

"So you have the hots for her or something? I see her wearing that low cut stuff. Is that what you like Riley? Is it?"

"Chill out, Annabeth. I want Lucas and Emeth to join us, not her. Seems like a package deal though."

"You barley know them, why let them join?" Annabeth argued.

"Just come on."

When they reached the entrance to the maze Lucas, Emeth, and Violet were ready to enter.

"Hold on guys." Riley interrupted. "I want you to join Lydia, Annabeth, and I for the maze."

"You want us to join you? Why?" Emeth said crossing his arms.

"I owe you one. This A can be the settling factor."

"What makes you think you'll win? We are faster on our own." Lucas added.

"You thinking running fast will win this for you? No, speed isn't the key. Actually getting through the maze will be the hard part. The more people we have the better chance we have of finding the correct path. Also, half of these people won't even finish the maze, that or they'll just be running from the guys with chainsaws the whole time. I'll act as a shield and get us through without interruption from the different obstacles."

"Who knew brawn had brains." Violet said sarcastically.

"Funny." He replied.

"Well, it sounds good to me." Emeth said, looking toward Lydia who looked away quickly.

"I think it's a good idea too." Lydia said still avoiding eye contact.

"You too Lydia?" Annabeth said shocked. "If Lydia is in, so am I." She added a sigh.

"All right, fine. We will team up." Lucas said, sealing the deal.

Other students were confused by the odd combination that they had created. As they stood in front of the entrance ready for the whistle to blow to start their time, other students stared at them, whispering. It's true, they were an diverse group. Sometimes the strangest of combo's can achieve the greatest things. They would soon prove this. The whistle blew and the six teens began running through the haunted maze.

The sun had now gone completely down. Darkness loomed over the corn. The distance offered sounds of screaming and chainsaws. The group has encountered few other people in the maze aside from the "monsters" and "masked chainsaw men" who were intended to scare them. Riley stood in the front of the group, keeping them from interfering with their progress.

It wasn't that Riley was extremely intimidating, he was actually what you call a "pretty boy", so despite his size one look at his baby face and you weren't nearly as scared as before. Still, the haunted maze employee's were not allowed to touch the maze goers, so all Riley had to do was not get scared. Annabeth and Lydia were literally holding onto each other, screaming every time they were even a little scared. Lucas and Emeth would have been doing the same thing, but since Violet was at the back of the group Lucas didn't want to seem like a wuss. He stood his ground and walked beside Violet who kept completely silent, but inside he was freaking out.

"I think we almost there. I've been keeping track of the direction we were when he entered and the direction where the exit lets out. This is taking too long. We need to take a shortcut." Riley stopped and looked back at the group.

"What kind of shortcut." Emeth asked.

"Right through the corn, off the path."

"Do you think that's a good idea Riley? There are miles of corn here, we could get lost." Lucas said reluctantly.

"Come on Lucas, live dangerously." Violet said.

"Shortcut it is." Lucas said quickly. Everyone shot a look of annoyance at him.

"Lydia and I will go wherever you go babe." Annabeth said grabbing his arm.

"A vote them. All in favor of the shortcut, raise your hand." Riley announced.

Four hands went up and the decision was made. They were taking the shortcut. Riley found the direction to the exit and started blowing through the corn toward where the exit should be. By this time the moon was already rising, it was full and the sky was clear, giving them plenty of light. A few minutes had passed and they had still not come out at another path.

"Riley, I think your directions were off. We haven't hit a path in a while, we should head back." Emeth said, his voice shaking in the cold.

"No this is the right way, the path just doesn't come up for a while. It's a shortcut, not an immediate cut." Riley said.

"Ha ha, he told you." Lucas said poking fun at Emeth who responded by sticking out his tongue.

They continued on for again a few minutes before they finally found a pre-made path in the corn. The problem was, they weren't at the exit.

"Where in the world are we?" Annabeth said in distress.

"I have no idea." Riley thought he had the direction correct, but he didn't. In front of them was a massive building. The whole thing was made out of metal paneling, with a row of large windows near the top. Stairs led to a door on the right, and there were double doors at the foot of the stairs. They were standing on the right side of the building, they could see a large metal door at the front of the building.

"Is it some kind of warehouse?" Lydia guessed.

"I think so. It makes sense if you think about it. Probably has farm equipment or something in it." Emeth said in agreement.

"Let's go inside." Riley suggested.

"What? I think we should go back. Going into a random, strange, scary, warehouse, not on the list of things I wanted to do tonight." Emeth again protested.

"Party pooper." Violet said.

"I'm with Violet and Riley. Let's explore." Lucas added.

"I swear Lucas, if she told you to jump off a bridge would you?" Emeth said raising his voice.

"That is a bit of cliche reference don't you think?" Lucas said.

"Lucas, I am so tired of-

Emeth was interrupted by a rustling in the corn from where they had exited. Riley stepped in front of everyone, putting his arms out to protect them. The sounds continued, getting closer and closer. Riley was ready to defend them against whatever came out of the corn. Fortunately for him, it wouldn't be needed. The figure finally made it too them, stepping out of the corn and into the open.

"Kite?" Annabeth said in confusion. "What are you doing here?"

"Where in the world are we?" Kite said.

"Weird, that's the first thing she said too." Emeth said, pointing at Annabeth.

"Some warehouse in the middle of nowhere. You can blame beef head over there for leading us here." Violet said. Riley shot her a disgusted look, which she never saw.

"Why are you here is the real question." Riley said relaxing.

"I overheard your plan but didn't want to be in your group, I thought I could beat you to the exit if I followed you and made a run for it near the end." Kite said more enthusiastically then normal.

"How did that work out for ya?" Lucas said.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. You guys do what you want. I am going to explore." Riley said, storming off toward the warehouse.

"Wait for me baby!" Annabeth said, grabbing Lydia and trailing behind him.

"Ready for a adventure Violet?" Lucas said holding out his hand to her.

"You wish buddy." She said, denying him the satisfaction, and walking toward the warehouse.

"Hold on, Lucas. I need to tie my shoe." Emeth said, bending down to do just that. Lucas, who was too busy staring at Violet's behind, walked away without even acknowledging him. Kite was already half way there when Emeth stood up from tieing his shoe.

"Hey, Lucas where did you go? Hello? Anyone?" Emeth looked around for any sign of life. His vision was blurry and he could usually see the outline of any person around him, but since everyone was gone he could barley see anything.

"I am going to kill him." Emeth stumbled around trying to find his way to his friends.

The moon had peaked in the sky. The group of seven had each their own reasons for decided to enter that warehouse that night. Each would face a test. A challenge. Their sins would be laid before them, and then they would have to prove, prove whether they could defeat their sin, or allow it take them over. There was a lot in store for each of them. There is only one problem.

One of them has to die.





Previous Chapters

Chapter 1 - Somebody

Chapter 2 - Nostrum own via

Coming Soon
3-9 to be read in any order.

Check out one of the other any order chapters!
(completed chapters have a link provided)

Chapter 3 - Monster

Chapter 4 - Mirror Image

Chapter 5 - Rage, For Beginners

Chapter 6 - What Happens In A Corn Maze...

Chapter 7 - ...Stays In A Corn Maze

Chapter 8 - A Whole Lot More Then Nothing

Chapter 9 - The Green Eyed Man
Last edited by Derek on Sat Jul 02, 2011 1:23 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Hi Derek, I'm Rachael, the frog's Ribbit, we're here to review, I do things differently than most, [/end nice little lead-in]

I noticed two things right off the bat that I want to mention before I forget about what they are.

The first is dialogue. Your characters use the names of other character's a lot. It's an impulse habit among writers new and old to have the speaker say the name or nickname of the addressee, but the problem is it doesn't happen in real life all that often at all, and so including too many names of addressees makes the dialogue sound fake. Try reading the dialogue aloud if you don't believe me, and use judiciously.

The other thing's your use of "to be" and things called existential. "To be" is a boring verb and English has a wealth of verbs far more descriptive and wonderful.

Most of the students were terrified of what they would encounter in the corn. Annabeth was planning on using Riley as a shield and a sword. Lydia was right behind her. Kite was convinced he wasn't afraid of anything. Lucas and Emeth were sure they would be running and screaming like girls. Violet was just going to punch anyone in her way. Each student had a plan to make it safely threw the maze and be the first to the exit.


Which isn't to say that you ought never to use the verb "to be" on its lonesome again (as an auxiliary it's fine), or even that the bolded ones above should be changed, but... it's something to consider. As is, I could argue that the use of 'to be' in that paragraph illustrates the stative, static nature of a high school existence despite any grand plans. But I could also argue that using more descriptive verbs would inject more energy into the beginning and draw the reader in and possibly build characterization some. But I was always an expert BSer in my own high school English classes.

As for the existential/expletive/false subjects... these are sentences where the subject isn't actually anything. (Think of the "It" in "It is raining outside." What the heck is "It?") Your use of these sentences actually isn't that prominent or anything, but two are glaring at me as I type and I'm a grammar nerd and thus...

There was a lot in store for each of them. There is only one problem.


(The tenses here are also mismatched, by the way.) The problem with expletives is that they're also boring because they're stative and static and even worse than "to be" because nobody/nothing is the subject, no one is doing or being. Not to mention, "It" and "There" are empty words with no meaning, and the whole existential construction can and often does lead to wordy, clunky sentences.

As with the "to be" problem above, I'm not necessarily stating that you should eradicate existential subjects. Just be aware of them and use judiciously. It'll make your writing stronger.


On the side of a different type of grammar, you've got missing commas, and as the founder of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Commas, I can't stand by and let them be abused.

Here's a good sentence!

"Why are you here is the real question." Riley said relaxing.


You need a comma after the 'said'. Though, I can see from the quick reply box that you've got the comma in place in the same situations elsewhere, so perhaps this is just a typo..but, nevertheless, you need commas in between the main clause and additional stuff, most of the time.

On a similar note, you need commas in your dialogue, not periods, when there's a direct tag:

"Come on Lucas, live dangerously," Violet said.


When it's a question or exclamation, you can't tell because there's a ! or ?, but in the sentence above, the "Come on,Lucas. Live dangerously" is actually a part of the entire sentence--and hence the comma.

General rule of thumb is that if you can substitute the entire line for "it" or "that" and have it make sense, you need the comma. (So, "Violet said that" versus Violet said, "Come on, Lucas. Live dangerously.")

...that was possibly ultra confusing. Let me know if it was.

And... onto story aspects.

I really loved some moments in this:

Lydia said it as if she had a hundred times, because she had.


who was babbling on about how he would be able to function within the maze due to blah blah blah(insert scientific explanation


Those two lines to me told me you knew your specimens, both in the sense of them as particular characters and in the sense of being high school students. I know both types and so both lines got a smile from me.

At the same time, though... while I got a vague sense of certain characters, I want more. Most of this piece is dialogue, and there's plenty of room to fill in more action, to take us "in scene" rather than just telling us what happened and when. For the ultimate suspense at the last line, you'd want (or at least, I'd want) the reader to be thinking, "Not ____!" or "I bet it'll be ____!" not "Oh." Which was my reaction.

Which brings me to my last sentiment for the review. The last two paragraphs. I don't know how I feel about them. Again, you've gone with an out-of-fashion narrative style, and while I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, I'm wondering about the wisdom of the ending, especially two chapters in. Such an ending two decent-sized chapters in relies on the reader knowing the characters and being genuinely concerned...

I went and skimmed the first chapter right now, and I think my concern with this chapter's ending ties in with my concerns for the story overall at this point. It's very, very rushed--feels like you're just telling us what we need to know so you can bring us to when the story really starts--chapter 3, presumably.

And the ending to this chapter feels like an "Okay, and now the story really begins" marked, and Ch. 2 is just such a strange place for it. In rewrites you might want to go to either one extreme or the other, really early or much later. As it is it's sort of like going to the airport only to discover that your flight's been delayed an hour. Not long enough to return home or do mild sight-seeing, long enough to be a bit of a chore.

For now, though, your best bet's to keep on writing and not get hung up on rewriting, as that's for later. One thing to keep in mind, though, is to make sure your narrator's a character too and not just the voice of all authority to whom the reader is not permitted to object. If he does become that, if the reader finds himself in disagreement, he or she might put down the story. Which is bad.


All right, that's enough incoherency for today! Let me know if you have any questions or further explanation or anything.

Happy writing!

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.




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excellent. I love love love the first paragraph about what each of them are going to do x) The dialogue is witty and fast-paced and the tension in the end is well-done. just one thing, typos...
But, I loved it. Your wording is excellent. It's as good or better as something you'd randomly pick up in a library. SO KEEP AT IT. xD
--Shackled



Once you have read a book you care about, some part of it is always with you.
— Louis L'Amour