Mr. Angel...[Chapter 1-part one] ALIA

I was tired, I was frustrated and I was lonely. My legs were hurting and I did not have a penny in my pocket. I’m really alone, without any idea of how I was going to go back to my apartment. I live in New York; I was studying at Columbia University. I did not normally roam around the city without any money, it was a special day. Well, not as special as much as the worst day of my life. I have to submit a paper. I was being punished for not completing an assignment on time. I was not given Spring break and on top of that I have to submit a damn paper! Stupid heartless psychology professor was being so sarcastic when he told me,” Alia, dear girl, I think you’ll probably fail the semester”. I bet it was more of a wish than anything. Well, he can think again. I’m going to write my paper and toss it in his face, yes! I’ll throw them in his face and he will think again before telling me anything. I’ll write a damn good paper.
Shit!
I didn’t have a subject for my psychology paper. Where did you get a subject anyway!? Why didn’t they sell them at general stores or at shopping malls or maybe I can get one on eBay. Fabulous idea! Get a subject on eBay.
I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten in like twelve hours. This is the 5th and 26th avenue and if I’m right, Harpy’s Diner is just around the corner. Yippee! At least I’ll get some food at Uncle Harpy’s Diner. I started walking towards the diner.
In between of feeling proud to be able to remember the diner and excited at the thought finally getting some food, I saw him. The Stranger was just sitting there. There were about a dozen of girls fluttering around him, but I could tell he wasn’t paying attention to anyone. He was staring ahead. He wasn’t staring at any of the girls. He wasn’t looking anywhere particular, but still searching. He looked kind of sad. He had his face cupped in his hands. Suddenly his head jerked up and he met my eyes. He was staring at me, as though he knew what I was thinking and he wanted to know more. Then, he smiled at me. I quickly looked away.
Shut up! You have your own problems to deal with, stop feeling sorry for a stranger, I thought to myself. I looked away and started walking towards the Diner, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him again, his smile was still there. Maybe I should go and talk to him. Yes, I should talk to him, the responsive side of me thought. No, I should just walk away. What if he’s a thief or worse, rapist? The scared side of me contradicted.
He was wearing a light gray suit, with a sophisticated looking bright red tie. He had his hair combed in a sleek manner. He looked kind of sexy in that professional attire. His eyes were wide open, watching me as I checked him out. They were green. He looked good to me, but...in a very, very dangerous way.
Well let’s find out, I thought to myself. Before I started walking, I looked to my left to check myself out in the glass door of the shop. It was probably closed, because it dark inside and there was no pair of eyes staring at me from inside, thinking I was a thief. Good.
The glass door reflected my angry-at-professor-but-still-happy-at-finding-food look, which looked pretty pathetic to me. Giving myself a quick makeover by running my fingers through my hair and applying some lip-gloss, (not a penny in my pocket but I still had my lip-gloss. Well it did come in handy at times like these and I’m a girl!) I walked towards the Stranger.

Continued...

I am tired, I am frustrated and I am lonely. My legs are hurting and I do not have a penny in my pocket. Hey! Wait; don't go there so fast, I'm not a beggar.I don't see the reason for breaking the fourth wall for something that isn't necessarily earth-shatteringingly important to the plot of this. And also I think instead of just saying the character is alone and has no idea how to go back to his/her apartment you could show us by using descriptive words. I’m just really alone, without any idea of how I am going to go back to my apartment. I live in New York; actually I'm studying in New York at Columbia University. I do not normally roam around the city without any money, it is a special day. Well, not as special as much as the worst day of my life. I have to submit a paper. I am being punished for not completing an assignment on time. I am not given Spring break and on top of that I have to submit a damn paper! Stupid heartless psychology professor, that grouchy professor thinks I’ll probably fail the semester. Well, he can think again. I’m going to write my paper and toss it in his face, yes! I’ll throw them in his face and he will think again before telling me anything. I’ll write a damn good paper.

There is just too much going on here and it's a bit info dumpy.

I don’t have a subject for my psychology paper. Where do you get a subject anyway!? Why don’t they sell them at general stores or at shopping malls or maybe I can get one on eBay. Fabulous idea! Get a subject on eBay.

Yet again everything get's a bit rambly, we're not really getting a sense of the main character's personality but you have set a scene and a problem which is great. Also I just noticed something you're taking us (the reader) through this in steps e.g I was walking, I stopped walking, I turned left etc..I think you need to realise that people don't actually do that--the thinking in steps thing.

He looked kinda sad.

How? How did he look sad? Explain further.

It was probably closed, because it was dark inside and there were no pair of eyes staring at me from inside, thinking maybeYou don't need the maybe I was a thief. Good.

I really don't know how I feel about this story because sometimes I feel like it's going well and other times I get a bit frustrated. The things that caused me a bit of frustration was how you jumped from thought to thought, your character was a entertaining but I felt like you were giving us a bit too much but not enough for us to get to know your character. You've told us about Columbia but not how she got there or her name.

I think you should definitely look through this and edit because it could be a good story. I don't understand how the name "Mr Angel" is of any relevance to the story but I could probably hazard a guess. You also only told us she was a girl at the end really.

Hope this helped,

Anger:D

Hi!

Okay, so this entire chapter is like an info dump that gets quite rambly. I'm all okay for a rambly POV but I should like to see some construction going on in the story. And starting of very rambly sometimes might bore the reader. But here, so, we know that she's feeling pretty low and she's frustrated. And maybe along with these articulations, you could add more actions and emotions. And by emotions, I don't mean her venting out, but something deeper that she might be afraid to understand.
Also; the rambly talk does little for character development, and for a reader to get hooked onto a story, there needs to be some character development. We need to understand the character pretty well. The best way is for you to know her really well like she's your best friend and then start writing about her.

With the F word, I understand you're trying to get across her frustration. But used in this place its ineffective. I'm not against profanities, but it would sound proper only if used in the right place. Not this.

Besides that, this was a small chapter and I can only vague grasp at the plot. I'd suggest adding a scene or two to this so that people get hooked onto the story.

Good luck with writing!
~Lava

hey this was cool, i liked it! as was said by Lava, it is a bit info dumpy and you could use better descriptive words (although it is really good as it is, you can make it better) find a better word than the F word to get her frustration across, some people find it offensive (although i am not one of them) you could also add more to this chapter, i loved it though so why am i complaining? XD keep writting, this has potential! it really is an awesome little piece! cant wait for the next bit!

pm me if you need a review
Soap

Aloha Rooh27!

I was tired, I was frustrated and I was lonely. My legs were hurting and I did not have a penny in my pocket. I’m really alone, without any idea of how I was going to go back to my apartment. I live in New York; I was studying at Columbia University. I did not normally roam around the city without any money, it is a special day. Well, not as special as much as the worst day of my life. I have to submit a paper. I was being punished for not completing an assignment on time. I was not given Spring break and on top of that I have to submit a damn paper! Stupid heartless psychology professor, that grouchy professor told me,” Alia, dear girl, I think you’ll probably fail the semester”. He said it in such a sarcastic tone; I bet it was more of a wish than anything. Well, he can think again. I’m going to write my paper and toss it in his face, yes! I’ll throw them in his face and he will think again before telling me anything. I’ll write a damn good paper.

This paragraph needs some work. Try reading the first few lines and notice the redundancy of your main character's thoughts and feelings. Like for example, the introductory line started by letting his reader know that he was alone and then, he stated again that he was lonely. Not only that, but also about his submission of this school paper. I actually have highlighted two lines from the paragraph above because the of the idea of each sentence that kept going back in circles.

I was not given Spring break and on top of that I have to submit a damn paper! Stupid heartless psychology professor, that grouchy professor told me,” Alia, dear girl, I think you’ll probably fail the semester”.He said it in such a sarcastic tone; I bet it was more of a wish than anything.

You have a punctuation issue here. But before I go onwards, you have some repetitions here. I suggest that you delete the phrase "that grouch professor". Anyways, if you have a dialog and a speech tag follows (such as "he said" or "she replied), always remember to end the dialog with a comma, not a period. However, in this kind if situation, you seemed to have two speech tags... which is still technically wrong.

How I would write it:

Stupid heartless psychology professor told me in a sarcastic voice,"Alia, dear girl, I think you’ll probably fail the semester." I bet it was more of a wish than anything.

There were about a dozen of girls fluttering around him, but I could tell he wasn’t paying attention to anyone. He was staring ahead. He wasn’t staring at any of the girls. He was just looking ahead; he wasn’t looking anywhere particular, but still searching.

And again with your MC's repetition of thoughts. Try avoiding those things.

because it dark inside

You lack "was" between "it" and "dark".


~

Hmm. I have to be pretty honest. I didn't quite enjoy reading this one, because of the fact your main character kept on rambling on and on. First of all, you have failed to introduce your MC to us. Even the gender, but I could tell that it's a she, right? And looking overall, this story didn't develop very well and some ideas were gong back and forth, as I have said before. I usually see chapters as novellas with little conflicts and personality, but as with your piece here, nothing seemed to moved. Also we need more details, like what happened to her? How come she was tired in the first place? She rather appeared like a cut-out cutboard with a bland color. You need to squeeze out the juicy scenes so your readers would feel very motivated reading this one.

Grammar wise, you need to reread this one again and if ever you've stumbled upon on something awkward (or some instances where a line feels wrong), then it means that there's something that should be fixed quickly. Also there are a quite misspellings but those are just minor blunders. I would also like to add here that you need to practice writing dialogs with punctuations well. And yes, show not tell.

Overall, this needs some major fixing. But please don't get discouraged, all of needs practice and motivation. Let me know if you have any questions. I apologize too if ever I have sounded harsh or anything, this review anyway is entirely based on my opinions.

Ciao.

~Yuri

Hey Rooh! First of all, I am sorry for not reading this before and straight away commenting on the second part. I just didn't notice and clicked on the link you gave me. So some of my points from that point must be brushed off with a sweet girl's ignorance.

I was tired, I was frustrated and I was lonely.

Okay, so this is the most gruelling way of starting a novel. People are interested to know how the MC feels like, but not in this crammed up manner. Make us feel that, and if you are not sure how, have something else to start your sentence with. She has got too many emotions in one go. If you separate them then it would be nice. Make it dramatic.

I’m really alone, without any idea of how I was going to go back to my apartment.

You've got a big problem with tenses. It should be 'I was' instead of I am which is present tense.

I was studying at Columbia University. I did not normally roam around the city without any money, it is a special day.

it has happened so shouldn't it be 'was'? Yes, it should be.

[

color=#FF0000]He[/color] was staring ahead. He wasn’t staring at any of the girls. He was just looking ahead; he wasn’t looking anywhere particular, but still searching. He looked kind of sad. He had his face cupped in his hands.

He did that, he did this. It's kind of annoying to start your sentence every time with 'he'. So go for something else.

You already know some things from the previous reviewers which I won't focus too much on since they've already said it.
1. The beginning was too much of info dump
2. Hardly any descriptions

Now good things about this was that you have a sense of humour to your stories which I like a lot. You've got some quite interesting things she said to the professor, which I think with your talent can soar to new heights, but still it was enjoyable. But I think I'd have to say that was it. That was the only thing that I liked in the whole chapter, and sorry to say that, but that's what is my truth. You had nothing interesting to captivate me, and as Yuri said, your character seemed to be rambling to herself. She was like cursing the whole time, and the transition of your tenses was quite a hindrance to let the story flow smoothly.

Your tenses are a great hurdle to your writing. This all has happened, but you still had some sentences/words that indicated that wasn't the case. I was actually quite confused in the beginning, so just watch out for that stuff. Your grammar should be perfect, or at least bearable and then only could you develop as an awesome writer. Grammar comes first because even if a person describes the sky in the most poetic and beautiful way, but if the grammar is all screwed up then there's a slim possibility that readers would appreciate it without pulling their hair.

On the other hand, I'd stick to the point I made earlier. Your descriptions are non-existent, and you didn't even tell if the guy looking at her was cute or not. Or how did she think he looked like. When we see a person staring at us, or making a friendly gesture then we sure notice their look and a thought crosses our mind, even if it's momentarily. When she saw herself in the glass door, you should have had more of descriptions. She's an Indian as we'll see later on and not once has she mentioned this thing yet. I'd love to see her Indian connections.

As I always say, it's the first chapter, I'll give you some time to make up things and move on, but you shouldn't delay it that much. Make your readers curious and make us want to know if we really want to read us or not, and don't let us struggle to decide. Our answer should be an instant 'yes' or 'no'. That would happen if we know if the story is of our kind of not.

Anyways, hope this helps,
Shrubs

Sorry I just felt like pointing this out 'cause it was so darn funny!

I didn’t have a subject for my psychology paper. Where did you get a subject anyway!? Why didn’t they sell them at general stores or at shopping malls or maybe I can get one on eBay. Fabulous idea! Get a subject on eBay.

HAHAH I absolutely love that part. And I love how she has this look:

The glass door reflected my angry-at-professor-but-still-happy-at-finding-food look,

I love your writing! hhahaha

-CookEmonster

Hiya,
I love Alia. She seems awesome xD. Anything wrong with it has already been pointed out ^^

I also noticed that sometimes it changes from past tense to present tense. Like here:

I didn’t have a subject for my psychology paper.

It's past tense, but then later on:

I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten in like twelve hours.

Present tense.

If you read over it again, you'll see it.

Hi again!! I'm sure you remember moi!! Haha
Okay, so, for me, when I review someone's novel or anything, I don't give any grammar correct (Cuz I'm not good at it )
I think the plot is quite good, but I haven't read Chapter 2, so I don't know how the story goes. But it's great~ (Mr. Angel~! Is there a Mrs. Angel? Haha! )
But I actually think it's quite short for chapter one...So anyway, great job! Thumbs up for yo!