Young Writers Society

This is a really, really old poem I found on my computer from one of the hardest times in my life.
Its a bit scrappy, but it meant a lot to me at that time.

Save me I’m falling
Falling so deep into chaos
Guided by the hands of your heavy lies
Will I be lost forever in this moment?
Screaming for help, with nobody but you to hear me
Let go of me I plead, but you’re not listening
You’re never listening
You’re standing here with me, but I’m all alone
I’ll run as far away as possible, but end up right back in your arms.
I can’t hide anymore, but I’m too weak to fight
Is there no way out for me, will this be my life?

Hi! This poem is really good. Trust me, I'm having to nitpick to find anythin wrong with it. You have a good sense of rhythm, but these lines:

itsjustemilie wrote:I’ll run as far away as possible, but end up right back in your arms.

itsjustemilie wrote:Screaming for help, with nobody but you to hear me

seemed a little too long for the ret of the poem. Maybe taking out the "with" on the second line would help?

Also, "back in your arms" makes it sound like you're being loved by your tormentor. Or was that the intention?

Overall, well done. Keep writing.

dude i love it.
its beautiful (: I love the emotion in it and the flow of the poem is really good

great job!

Save me I’m falling,
Falling so deep into chaos,
Guided by the hands of your heavy lies.
Will I be lost forever in this moment?
Screaming for help, with nobody but you to hear me?
Let go of me I plead, but you’re not listening.
You’re never listening.
You’re standing here with me, but I’m all alone.
I’ll run as far away as possible, but end up right back in your arms.
I can’t hide anymore, but I’m too weak to fight,
Is there no way out for me, will this be my life?

This is a very good poem. My only comment is to put punctuation marks to emphasize the pauses and full stops.
Happy writing!

Hi there.

Comments:

Save me I’m falling

- There should be a comma after 'me'.

Guided by the hands of your heavy lies

- I'm not sure if I like the irony here, but I personally think it's better without the irony.

Will I be lost forever in this moment?

- xD This sounded like the line from the song 'I Don't Want To Miss A Thing' which is: "I could stay lost in this moment forever."

Let go of me I plead, but you’re not listening

- Put a comma after 'me'.

You’re standing here with me, but I’m all alone

- I love the irony here.

Is there no way out for me, will this be my life?

- I think it's better (and more correct) if you separate these two questions.


Nice poem. I think it's simple enough to express what you really wanted to express. I like the creativity in it, but I think you can be more creative with this. My problem with this is I didn't actually get to understand the whole story, specifically the background story. o.o But I don't think that it's really necessarily necessary. XD

Nevertheless, nice job! Never stop writing!

Very emotional poem. There are a few grammatical nitpicks though. First of all, I think that you need a few commas and full stop at the end of each line as Yanni1995 has pointed out. I strongly advice you to have a look at that. Although I saw one line that's missed out.

One's here:

itsjustemilie wrote:"Let go of me," I plead, but you’re not listening

I think that putting the quotation mark might make it a bit better because you wrote "I plead" which means you're saying it. Right?

Alright, I'll stop boring you with grammatical errors now. I think that the poem was a very emotional one. I can feel the emotion behind the poem. It's simple enough and very deep. The flow's also very nice. I'd also love to hear more of a back story though. What caused you to be like this? Why won't 'you' help you?

I feel as though this poem's lacking power though. Can I suggest that you put imagery, similes, metaphors and etc. in there. Also, another big one that contributes to power I think is the phrase: "show, don't tell". At the moment you're telling a lot. Which is fine, but to make things more interesting, I think you could balance it out with a bit of showing.

Okay, so I think that this poem could be expanded on. But, if you choose not to do that, I'd say it's fine standing on it's own.