What is it?

Spoiler

Hello, I am not a poet. In fact, personally, I think I stink at poetry but... I was in a strange mood and this is what I got. Please, rip it to shreds! (It sounds funny...)

What is it?
What is it,
That calls out to us?

Can you here it?
The quiet call,
The quiet call of love.

Is it a feeling?
Is it a feeling,
Of desire?

Can you understand?
The sweet embrace,
The sweet embrace of truth.

Do your eyes see?
Do your eyes see,
The peace it brings?

Hi-ya! I'm here to rip apart and toss away review your poem!

First off, it's 'hear' not 'here'

Second, I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm not feeling it. To me, it's a bunch of repetitive questions. There's no emotion to it. Don't think you can't make it better, because it has great potential! To me it just feels like a skeleton to a poem. Instead of an interrogation (for lack of better words), show us, let us feel what you're talking about. Great Job!!Keep it up!

What is it?
What is it,
That calls out to us? Right off the get-go the repetition is hard to deal with. It's hurts rather than benefits the poem. I'd get rid of it so you can have more room to flesh out your ideas and still keep the reader's interest.

Can you here it? Hear* Don't worry too much about it, I didn't even catch it myself on the first read
The quiet call,
The quiet call of love.

Is it a feeling?
Is it a feeling,
Of desire?

Can you understand?
The sweet embrace,
The sweet embrace of truth. This line is very gentle, it comes off your tongue like a cloud (this is a compliment! haha).

Do your eyes see?
Do your eyes see,
The peace it brings? This is your ace. Superb ending, I just adore it!

The only thing I would suggest is that you flesh out the poem a bit and get rid of the repetition. Try reading your poem out loud to yourself to see how it 'flows'. You'll understand what I mean.

Good luck and keep writing!
-KatTrain

freewritersavvy wrote:
What is it?
What is it,
That calls out to us?

Can you here it?
The quiet call,
The quiet call of love.

Is it a feeling?
Is it a feeling,
Of desire?

Can you understand?
The sweet embrace,
The sweet embrace of truth.

Okay. The first three stanzas are fine, but here, I have an issue. I'm sure this is how you meant to write this stanza, but I would change it to this if I were you:
Can you understand
the sweet embrace,
The sweet embrace of truth?
I know that it is not in the same format as all the other stanzas, but a little variation is usually found in poems, anyway.

Do your eyes see?
Do your eyes see,
The peace it brings?

Alright! Cool poem. I like all the repetitive-ness. I am, however, still wondering 'what it is'. Is this poem about love? 'Cuz that's what I'm thinking.
-TSM

It is very interesting, but the rhythm needs some work and the patterns need a little, too. The third stanza doesn't fit because of the repitition of the last two lines. "Here" in the second stanza needs to be "hear." Axe the comma in the second stanza, you don't need it and too many commas are a nuisance. That should read "Is it a feeling/Of desire?" unless you meant to write "Is it a feeling,/Or desire?" Either way I think the comma needs axed. The poem has a nice potential, but it needs work. Don't stop trying.

Thanks for your reviews everyone! They are very much appreciated!
~FW~

I really liked this.

[quote
What is it?
What is it,
That calls out to us? This stanza doesn't really have a hook to it. It doesn't draw the reader in and make them want to read more.

Can you here it?
The quiet call,
The quiet call of love. I really like this stanza. Its wondering what love really is. Or at least, that's what I understood it to be.

Is it a feeling?
Is it a feeling,
Of desire? Good question: What is love? This makes the reader think and want to keep reading.

Can you understand?
The sweet embrace,
The sweet embrace of truth. The sweet embrace of truth... Hm. I'm not sure if I like it or not.

Do your eyes see?
Do your eyes see,
The peace it brings? The peace love brings. I love it.][/quote]

You wrote this fairly well altogether. I did enjoy it, though it lacked some kind of spark. By looking it over and adding little things, though, that could very well be changed. Well written.

Hey there savvy,

Poetry's like everything else--it takes a bit of practice before you get any good at it :P

Now, the main problem with this is that it's way too general/non-specific. Asking questions the way you did, with no proper answer at the end (in that there is no real dialogue here--it's completely one-sided, and doesn't really make the reader ask his/herself anything), dulls everything. Words like "truth" and "love" and "peace", in this sort of concept, are terribly bland. You're not giving them any impact, because it's all so uniform. What I really love with poetry is that it can make you feel when done properly--that's what you've got imagery, metaphors, flow for, and they're such great tools it's a shame not to take full advantage of them ;P

I think you should try to focus on being more assertive next time. Instead of asking, state. Say, this is how I feel those things. This is how it is. Try to make it resonate in the reader, in a way that we can say "I can picture this in my mind" easily. Try to make it concrete-it's a lot easier to relate to people, to a given scenario, than to connect to something as vague and general as you have right now.

Re: techniques, the reviewers above me have already touched on the abuse of repetition, the punctuation, etc. Watch out for those :P Personally I find it's a lot more efficient to go with just plain, everyday sentence structures and not bother with making it fancy, but that's something for you to experiment with and decide what you like best.

Keep at it, and hit me if you've got any questions.

Jag

This seems more like a song than a poem. It repeats a lot and in many poems it can work but this poem is to short for repeats . I don't know the subject of the poem. Is it love? Or is it loneliness? Keep trying! You have some potential