When the Darkness Comes

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>>Please keep in mind that I wrote this in 14 minutes for a writing prompt at school. Then read and review! Thanks!


When the Darkness Comes


When the darkness comes, there’s no escape.

It swallows you whole,

You try and fight,

But it’s just too much.

Your pain goes unnoticed by everyone around you,

They don’t hear your cries for help; they don’t want to.


When the dark comes for you, you might surrender.

You’ll embrace the brutal hate around you and succumb to it,

Quietly, slowly, the darkness will surround you,

But now it’s like a protective blanket,

It engulfs you, keeps you warm on the insides and cold on the outside.



When you embrace the darkness, people might notice.

They will see the coldness in your eyes, but they will torture you anyway.

They are afraid inside, but they won’t show it.

You’re still their victim, in their eyes.

You deserve it, though they don’t know why.



When the darkness starts controlling you, you’ll never notice.

You won’t fight back; the dark will protect you.

When the darkness comes, it will bring dark thoughts.

And one day you’ll stand up to your tormentors.

They’ll see the wild anger in your eyes,

They’ll see the evil and tremble with fear.



When the dark is with you, they have no chance.

You will hear their cries for help and pretend not to notice.

When the darkness comes, revenge is always a dish best served cold.

You smile, but it does not reach your eyes.



The darkness heard your cries for help,

When no one else noticed, and no one else cared.

Now you have the darkness,

And nothing and no one will ever hurt you again.

You’re cold inside, and cold outside,

But it doesn’t matter.

The darkness came.
Formerly TheScratchMan.




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Wow, I absolutely love this poem! I've had similar thoughts... relating to suicide...because the darkness came to corrupt and I was open to it at the time. Unlike the ending to your poem, I didn't let the darkness win, (obviously, since I'm typing now). Here's my comments:



When the darkness comes, there’s no escape.
It swallows you whole,
You try and fight,
But it’s just too much. I truly know the feeling




You’ll embrace the brutal hate around you and succumb to it,
Quietly, slowly, the darkness will surround you,
But now it’s like a protective blanket, It's a scary thought, but you almost start to thrive on the hatred
It engulfs you, keeps you warm on the insides and cold on the outside.


When you embrace the darkness, people might notice.
They will see the coldness in your eyes, but they will torture you anyway.
Ah the typical bully



When the darkness comes, it will bring dark thoughts.
Most certainly



When the darkness comes, revenge is always a dish best served cold. Love this saying!
You smile, but it does not reach your eyes.
The darkness heard your cries for help,
When no one else noticed, and no one else cared
.

Now you have the darkness,
And nothing and no one will ever hurt you again.
You’re cold inside, and cold outside,
But it doesn’t matter.
The darkness came
. Eerie last line! It came, nested, and doesn't seem to be leaving anytime soon.

Brilliantly written! Even in the time frame you wrote deep stuff. Keep writing!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.




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Its pretty good however I think your a bit to straight forward =/ be more descriptive and you'd be AWESOMER!! :D
Remember me for who I am, Not for who I was




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Hi!
So I am here to review again! I love this poem so very much because it is mysterious and scary, so here are some of my favorite parts:

When the darkness comes,
there’s no escape.
It swallows you whole, Ohhh scary!
You try and fight,
But it’s just too much.
Your pain goes unnoticed by everyone around you,
They don’t hear your cries for help; they don’t want to. Your first paragraph was very hooking witch is great!
When the dark comes for you, you might surrender.
You’ll embrace the brutal hate around you and succumb to it, Fancy words! Very nice.
Quietly, slowly, the darkness will surround you,
But now it’s like a protective blanket, Very good use of figurative language!
It engulfs you, keeps you warm on the insides and cold on the outside.Scary! Very good imagery.
When you embrace the darkness, people might notice.
They will see the coldness in your eyes, but they will torture you anyway. Amazing!
They are afraid inside, but they won’t show it.You’re still their victim, in their eyes. Very sad and frightening- in a good way
You deserve it, though they don’t know why.
When the darkness starts controlling you, you’ll never notice.
You won’t fight back; the dark will protect you. Every sentance is brilliant! Would you like me to continue? Everything is perfect! Your sentances are so proffesional and colorful. Okay, tell you what, I'll just color the sentences I like the best...
When the darkness comes, it will bring dark thoughts.
And one day you’ll stand up to your tormentors.
They’ll see the wild anger in your eyes,
They’ll see the evil and tremble with fear.
When the dark is with you, they have no chance.
You will hear their cries for help and pretend not to notice.
When the darkness comes, revenge is always a dish best served cold.
You smile, but it does not reach your eyes.
The darkness heard your cries for help,
When no one else noticed, and no one else cared.
Now you have the darkness,
And nothing and no one will ever hurt you again.
You’re cold inside, and cold outside,
But it doesn’t matter.The darkness came


Wow! The ending was amazing! Your writing is so great I cannot really tell anything to change! I love the length and I don't see any grammer or punctuation mistakes!
Good job, thanks for posting this, you did a great job.
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love




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Ooooh, chills! I really really really like this poem here. It could do withough the double-spacing, but I can get past that. This really exemplifies the torturous darkness that comes with being a bully victim, or just being ostracized. Okay, details now...

When the dark comes for you, you might surrender.

You’ll embrace the brutal hate around you and succumb to it,

Quietly, slowly, the darkness will surround you,

But now it’s like a protective blanket,

It engulfs you, keeps you warm on the insides and cold on the outside.

Ooooh, even more chills! I really love the poetic image of a blanket here. Warm on the inside and cold on the outside, genius! That's so very realistic. Bullies feel warm on the inside because of what they're doing, but cold on the outside because of whatever their tragic flaw is. I feel sorry for them often; if only they could see it. :/

When you embrace the darkness, people might notice.

They will see the coldness in your eyes, but they will torture you anyway.

They are afraid inside, but they won’t show it.

You’re still their victim, in their eyes.

You deserve it, though they don’t know why.

I think this is my favorite erse in the whole poem! I can just see it now, the tortured child being persecuted and tortured, even though they can see the pain. The cold glassing of their eyes, and nobody caring. I absolutely adore the last two lines of this stanza. The evil of people just deciding that you're a victim, for no reason other than they need someone to victimize. Agh, I can't stand it!

When the darkness starts controlling you, you’ll never notice.

You won’t fight back; the dark will protect you.

When the darkness comes, it will bring dark thoughts.

And one day you’ll stand up to your tormentors.

They’ll see the wild anger in your eyes,

They’ll see the evil and tremble with fear.



When the dark is with you, they have no chance.

You will hear their cries for help and pretend not to notice.

When the darkness comes, revenge is always a dish best served cold.

You smile, but it does not reach your eyes.

Ooh, powerful! The conversion has happened, when you've gone from victim to victimizer. That's one of the most tragic transformations ever, and you've portrayed it so poetically here! Well done!

I like this poem a lot, and it's very well done. Keep up the good work! And if you ever want another review, advice, kind words, yada yada, you're more than welcome to drop me a line! :D
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?




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Hey cuz! Great poem; I liked it a lot. The double spacing was a little annoying, but I can get over that. I thought this whole thing was really chilling and the end was very dramatic (HENCE the dramatic poetry categorizing!) and totally awesome. I didn't find any grammatical errors, but I'll go ahead and comment...

TheScratchMan wrote:

When the darkness comes, there’s no escape.
It swallows you whole,
You try and fight,
But it’s just too much.
Your pain goes unnoticed by everyone around you,
They don’t hear your cries for help; they don’t want to. That's a good line right there -the bystanders just turn a deaf ear in your direction when you are hurting, huh?

When the dark comes for you, you might surrender.
You’ll embrace the brutal hate around you and succumb to it,
Quietly, slowly, the darkness will surround you,
But now it’s like a protective blanket,
It engulfs you, keeps you warm on the insides and cold on the outside. These last two lines made a very clever metaphor!


When you embrace the darkness, people might notice.
They will see the coldness in your eyes, but they will torture you anyway.
They are afraid inside, but they won’t show it.
You’re still their victim, in their eyes.
You deserve it, though they don’t know why. Very insightful and true! Bullies don't usually have reasons behind their bullying! They just pick on the weak!


When the darkness starts controlling you, you’ll never notice. What a scary thought!
You won’t fight back; the dark will protect you.
When the darkness comes, it will bring dark thoughts.
And one day you’ll stand up to your tormentors.
They’ll see the wild anger in your eyes,
They’ll see the evil and tremble with fear. So the 'darkness' is some sort of evil being unleashed inside the victim!


When the dark is with you, they have no chance.
You will hear their cries for help and pretend not to notice.
When the darkness comes, revenge is always a dish best served cold.
You smile, but it does not reach your eyes. It's frightening how the victim turns into the bully in this!


The darkness heard your cries for help,
When no one else noticed, and no one else cared.
Now you have the darkness,
And nothing and no one will ever hurt you again.
You’re cold inside, and cold outside,
But it doesn’t matter.
The darkness came.


So over all, WOW CUZ! This was amazing! And you wrote it in 14 minutes too! Great job!
-TSlM




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I thought this poem was okay. I can definitely relate to it, but the language and they way it is set up seems a bit choppy and weird throughout the poem. The language used also seems a bit base, but the overall theme and delivery are exceptional. Overall this poem was above average for one of its theme and length, but there are many things that should be changed to create a somewhat better atmosphere. I have said this many times before to people, but read it aloud, and you'll be amazed at what you will see is flawed in the flow.
-Dante93



You cannot understand and disagree.
— P. D. Ouspensky